Self-regulation is not a tool we are born with. According to the self-regulation theory when it comes to what we think, feel, say, and do, it is pertinent in that specific context to make a suitable decision when we have a strong desire to do the exact opposite. (Baumeister & Vohs, 2017) Self-regulation is a skill that needs to be learned like; language, riding a bike and problem solving. Raising a child to regulate emotions is a significant aspect of parenting. This skill contributes to the emotional intelligence that is needed in everyday life. In adulthood, there are crucial abilities needed that are acquired during child development.
Self-regulation is one of the four branches that make up emotional intelligence which consists of skills like understanding emotions, using emotions, perceiving emotions and regulation. Emotional regulation can be defined as one’s ability to express and experience emotions in an appropriate manner. For an example, a proper response to receiving negative feedback on a college paper would not be yelling at the professor and storming out of the classroom. Yes, the individual is expected to be upset however, should be able to internally process intense emotions and assess ways to apply themselves for future success. Doing so would be a sign of problem solving and being able to engage in healthy compensatory strategies to manage uncomfortable emotions when necessary. Problem solving, understanding and accepting an emotional experience are skills that are a result of emotional regulation. It is also important to note that the understanding one has of their own emotional processes allows them the capability to practice empathy in interpersonal relationships. Self-regulation is a tool that teaches children social awareness which allows them to take on other’s perspective which is needed to build meaningful relationships. There are several benefits that stem from emotional regulation therefore teaching these particular skills to children is such an essential responsibility.
Furthermore, there are specific aspects in life in which children need to be able to self-regulate. Maintaining socially acceptable behavior requires children from preschool age (four to five years old) to school age (five to twelve years old) to have emotional regulation skills. This ability will assure that they control inappropriate impulses. Some impulses can be disruptive in school which can disrupt the learning environment. Impulses such as; blurting things out randomly without waiting for the proper opportunity, not taking turns during play time, not sharing toys and expressing emotions in inappropriate ways. Impulses like these will also make it hard for kids to socialize and adapt to their environment. Children who have strong social skills typically have a more positive outlook on attending school because they have a healthy social environment to look forward to. During these early stages in life children need to build on their social skills for success in their adolescent and adult years.
Additional factors that make teaching self-regulation such a priority is the natural motivation of good behavior and acquiring coping skills without much assistance from the guardian. The outcome that we strive for as parents is to raise a child that can positively function in society. This includes giving your child the tools to make good decisions about their behavior and learn how to behave in new situations with less guidance from their guardians. As parents, we should allow our children to be open about their emotions and model the behavior that is socially acceptable. The positive outcome is giving children the potential to properly manage stress, learn to cope with strong feelings and having the ability to calm themselves after getting angry. Over time parents who are actively teaching positive emotional modeling and discussing emotions, it is most likely that the child will gain coping skills that will benefit their social behavior for the rest of their lives.
Identifying Emotional Dysregulation in Children
There are various signs to pay attention to when identifying dysregulation in children. In that respect is typical behavior that is noticed in children when it comes to social behavior and cognitive functioning. From infancy to age six it is expected to see children throw tantrums due to them not being capable of controlling emotions in response to being upset, frustrated and disappointed. It is expected for that type of emotional response to dissipate by age six on. However, children who are emotionally dysregulated tend to continue throwing tantrums in reaction to being dissatisfied. So as opposed to experiencing something that maybe upsetting and being able to properly manage those emotions with learned coping skills. You will notice that the self-dysregulated child exhibits disruptive behavior such as yelling, crying uncontrollably, falling onto the ground, etc. Without the competence to self-regulate, in response to anger a child may act out aggressively by inflicting pain on to themselves or others. With this considered the probability of the child being deemed as deviant for expressing abnormal behaviors and emotions increases due to dysfunctional patterns halting them from functioning suitably in society. As well as, dangerous because of the way they are handling their distress.
If emotional dysregulation is not corrected, a chain reaction of other unfortunate outcomes can potentially follow. Such as difficult, out of control behavior becoming more frequent and intense as the child gets older. If the misbehavior and unacceptable emotional responses are not acknowledged and corrected by the child’s caretakers, it is likely to continue. It is important to tackle these problems early on before negative reactions become behavioral patterns, thus, making it difficult for parents to properly discipline their children. “Dysregulated emotion is characterized by excessive and rapidly shifting emotions, often associated with irritable and aggressive behavior, and high rates of comorbid oppositional defiant disorder.” (Stralen, 2016) Nonetheless, affective discipline such as, consistent punishments along with dialogue regarding the issue, is one of the most effective ways of teaching emotional regulation in children.
Emotional dysregulation identifiers in children is also noticeable when paying attention to their social conduct including; withdrawal and problems socializing. When a child’s behavioral patterns do not align with what is developmentally appropriate, they have a tough time fitting in with their peers. The child dealing with this problem can begin to have a negative outlook on participating with others. If they cannot socially relate to their peers due to their underdeveloped emotional process, the child could have a hard time making friends and building social skills that are needed for their future. This issue will affect the child’s development of communications skills as well, which goes hand in hand with socializing. Problems communicating is potentially the worst outcome when it comes to children having emotional dysfunction. Due to them having strong negative emotions and not being able to express them properly which in turn could be expressed with aggression as discussed previously. It is normal for everyone to go through frustration, however when lack of coping skills and knowledge to properly express that those emotions are present, it starts to build up which can lead to a negative outcome. Guardians should avoid these problems with children’s emotions because in the real world it becomes an issue for society to deal with.
How Self-Regulation Improves Resilience and Mental Health
Self-regulation helps improve resilience and mental health in children. Resilience is a method attained by individuals that allows them to adapt well when confronted by stress, trauma and adversity. Children gain resilience with using effective coping skills, having a support system, competence, having a sense of control and confidence. The support system needed primarily comes from the immediate family of the child, as well as peers, teachers and mentors who have a huge influence on their lives. Competence comes from lessons learned in life from others and past experiences. Confidence is acquired when the youth is able to use their competence in real-life situations and see positive outcomes that result from their actions. This then leads to their sense of control in life, because their actions are being predetermined based on the reaction they are desiring. In order to accomplish any of these levels of resilience, the child needs to have emotional regulation skills and vice versa. A study referring to the role resilience and self-esteem plays when it comes to behavioral and emotional problems, found that resilience plays a protective role when considering emotional and behavioral problems in children. (Arslan, 2015) Children are much more capable of designating through their lives independently with self-regulation and by being resilient. These skills make it possible for children to function in society in the face of hardships. Using effective emotional-regulation skills allow children to have a higher tolerance dealing with distress and are expected to gain more resilience as they are confronted with issues over time.
How Parents Can Promote Emotional Regulation
Parents and guardians are the strongest influence in their children’s lives. Albert Bandura, Ph.D. created the social learning theory explaining how behaviors are influenced to an extent by reward and punishment. However, in most cases like teaching language, driving and of course acceptable behavior modeling is the best teacher. Since children learn mostly through modeling, parents should value the way they express behavior around their children. Therefore, their own ability to regulate emotions is one of the first emotion-related modeling children witness. Kids learn about how to properly respond in different situations by watching parent’s emotional interactions and display. Using emotional expression as an opportunity to connect with your child and teach them it is ok to express your emotions properly. This way they are not only shown that it is good to express yourself, but also know they can discuss emotions with their family. Children should always know they have a strong support system and how they can use them in a time of need. When using this technique to build emotional skills, it is also quintessential to label emotions that they maybe feeling. For an example, if the family dog runs away and a child is saddened and upset, it is a significant time for the guardian to address what those feelings are and how to accept the turn of events. This is a way of teaching children to accept their emotions in effort to normalize emotional expression. A mistake made by many parents is minimizing or denying emotions their child is expressing; even at low intensity. All emotions should be identified and addressed by parents when teaching emotional regulation.
Raising children to have strong social-emotional skills requires thoughtful work from the child’s family and environment. Emotional skills begin in the home with healthy and consistent parent–child interactions. The relationship that children have with their parents is a part of what builds the foundation of knowledge that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Children’s emotional regulation is heavily influenced by parenting styles and family’s emotional climate. So, it is important for parents to practice authoritative parenting by being responsive to the child’s emotional needs while having high standards and proper discipline. Being attentive to a child’s needs is what will motivate them to be open about their emotions. With practice of openness of emotions, that will help build emotional regulation skills. A healthy home environment with family is a substantial aspect when it comes to assisting the emotional development of a child. There should not be any at home stressors like yelling and fighting that can cause anxiety. Plus, that type of behavior can teach children to do the same when they are expressing themselves. Children should be raised in a home that is viewed as a sanctuary. With such support coming from the family, quality emotional development is expected to be the outcome. It is important to teach children to self-regulate to become emotionally mature and build healthy social connections. Guardians who are raising children are to be educated on the importance of emotional regulation, how to identify emotional dysregulation, regulation improvement and ways in which they can teach these skills to their children. With all things considered, emotional regulation is a necessary skill for children to have in order to prosper in society.
Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2017). Handbook of Self-Regulation: Research, Theory, and Applications. (3rd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press.
Stralen, J. V. (2016). Emotional dysregulation in children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders, 8(4), 175–187. doi: 10.1007/s12402-016-0199-0
Grief can feel heavy daily for those who have experienced loss in their life. Grief can often feel EVEN heavier during the holiday season for many.
There is something about the holidays that can bring forth big and overwhelming emotions. The memories or traditions tied to this specific time could ignite a number of feelings for someone who may be missing a loved one. Having a way to keep loved ones who have passed feeling present and involved during the holiday time can sometimes feel crucial and reassuring.
The question here is: How do people commemorate their loves ones who are no longer physically with them during the holiday season? What does that look like for each person or family?
Some ideas to commemorate your loved one during the holiday season can include:
• Set a plate at the dinner table for your loved one • Prepare your loved one’s favorite meal/food dish • Visit them at their grave site or where their ashes lay • Share stories about your loved one • Write letters or journal entries to your loved one • Have a designated decoration honoring your loved one (i.e., candle, ornament, stocking, etc.) • Attend religious services to feel connected to that individual • Play music that reminds you of them
While there are many things someone can do to show tribute during this season, it is important to do what feels right for you and your family during the holiday time. Feel your feelings and celebrate in ways you can feel the most comfort and love. May this holiday season bring much strength and peace to those who are going through their grief and deeply missing someone special in their life.
Series Two; Blog Sixty-Six
A “frenemy” is an oxymoron that refers to a person who is a friend but at the same time can be an enemy. Sigmund Freud once said that “an intimate friend and a hated enemy have always been indispensable to my emotional life…not infrequently, friend and enemy have coincided in the same person.” A frenemy can be one-sided, jealous, passive-aggressive, undermining and a host of other traits. The most devastating trait is betrayal. This trait is experienced like a dagger to the heart. In the Bible, King David referenced his agony of being betrayed by a friend. He wrote “For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; Then I could bear it. Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me; Then I could hide from him. But it was you, a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance.” (Psalm 55:12-14)
Betrayal from a friend is like the rug being pulled from under you. This happens in recovery community. You thought it would never happen after experiencing dishonesty and deception before getting into recovery. Now you feel double-crossed by a dear friend in your 12-step community. It cuts to the bone. How do you move forward and not just give up on recovery?
Here are some steps to consider:
Embrace your feelings. Write them out in a journal (abandoned, tricked, despondent, fear, anger, hate, resentment, etc.) Emphasize I hate it when… I feel tricked, when… etc. If you don’t like to write, speak it into your phone and play it back to you so you can hear your feelings. It will help you embrace them.
Share your raw feelings and reactions in the presence of someone you choose to trust. It won’t be helpful to commiserate and require that your friend have the same feeling you have about this person. Having another pile on to what you already feel only makes matters worse. Yet, someone who is willing to listen and support you expressing your raw feelings is a powerful healing experience.
Identify ways in which you have hurt others in like principle (not like kind) that you were hurt by your friend. This is a difficult step. When you have been devastated by another’s betrayal, it is difficult to embrace the idea that you have hurt someone else in principle like you have been hurt by your friend. This step requires a certain degree of maturity on your part. Most likely at the root of your friend’s betrayal is the mentality of “I want what I want when I want it”. This hurtful reasoning created much pain for you. Setting your pain aside and looking at ways in which you have done the same in principle to others is difficult and not automatic. Yet, this is an important step toward managing the betrayal behavior of your frenemy.
Forgive yourself for your hurtful behavior toward others. It will pave the way toward forgiveness of your frenemy. To forgive yourself you must put yourself in the shoes of the one you offended. Sitting with the reality of the hurt they felt because of your behavior is an important step for you to take in order to forgive yourself. This circuitous path will lead you to being able to forgive others who have hurt you.
Forgive your frenemy for the betrayal behavior. Forgiveness is about doing the work of not holding the hurtful behavior against your frenemy who hurt you. Likely, it will not be a “one and done” experience. You will need to let go of the need to blame and walk in the opposite direction. You will need to practice sending positive energy to the one who hurt you. You will need to rely upon your Higher Power to do this. You will need to forgive regularly until the pain and sorrow reduces to a point of no longer dominating your experience of the offender. This forgiveness is empowered by the work you have done when you forgave yourself for committing a like behavior in principle to another. The act of forgiving your frenemy will come with the benefit of unlocking the emotional prison that the act of betrayal created for you.
Forgiving your frenemy does not mean you must continue a close relationship and be good friends. It does mean that you can let go and not be dominated by the betrayal experience from someone who you thought would never hurt you in the way they did.
I went looking for a word that describes a part of who I am. This aspect is so integrated into my being that not having a word to describe it felt like I had to have a script in place at all times in order to explain it to others.
How many children do you have? Well, there is this thing I need to tell you. Sentence upon sentence had to be spoken while I watched people’s faces fall and felt their energy stiffen. This would be followed by my ingrained coping mechanism of caretaking people, telling them it was okay and that I was okay when in fact it wasn’t and I wasn’t and I really just wanted to howl.
This special word needed to encapsulate how I fit into the fabric of a community. It had to allude to my experience of having more than a broken heart and more than a fear of living with it. It had to suggest the idea of straddling two worlds – the gut wrenching “here” and the veiled and mysterious “there.”
The word had to evoke a sense of a shattered ego and a complete distrust of the world. Its definition would include words like alienation and loneliness and the feeling of walking through fire every day. Apathy for life would also be listed. The definition had to include the daily climb through the rubble of anxiety that chewed at my body, countered by the unexpected slide into valleys of muddy despair. There would be terminology to address the fervent hope of reconstituting the self and discovering a new meaning and mission in life. It also had to hint at grief morphing into gratitude.
That’s a lot to ask of one word, but I found it. VILOMAH. VEE-LO-MAH. Vilomah.
I am a vilomah. I am a parent whose child has died. The epitome of an archetype for grief. The worst loss in the human experience. Vilomah means “against the natural order of things.” It comes from Sanskrit, the same language that gave us the word widow which means “empty.” I have lived, “against the natural order of things,” for almost 11 years now. My son’s name is Kieren. I use the present tense because he is not gone. I feel if I could just turn my head fast enough he would be standing right next to me. He’s always been a little evasive.
Vilomah. When I found this word, I experienced a peaceful resignation. At last, a word that I could use that could bring a label to my experience and illuminate a part of myself that is often not discussed. It meant the possible communion with other vilomahs. I was part of a group, defined by a simple utterance, “vilomah.” It is the password to an exclusive club to which no one would want membership. The word helps us to identify each other beyond looking into the eyes of a stranger and having a weird sense that “they know what this is.”
Vilomah. I am not a fan of labels but this one fits. Grieving in community can move the process of healing in ways that are difficult to describe. Learning that other people experience crowds to be overwhelming and that skin can literally ache. Understanding that having a friend with a shop vac is invaluable after the plates I used to love somehow ended up smashed against a garage door. Discovering that it is normal to make sounds not found in nature when grieving on the kitchen floor. Normalizing how our family took turns sleeping in his bed for weeks. Confirming that Mother’s Day is a day to survive. Thanking the universe that my other child announced they were gay shortly after Kieren’s death because my therapist told me, “They are looking forward instead of back.” And realizing closure is a fever dream that comforts our dear ones with the belief there is a finish line in sight.
Vilomah. The trailhead where the journey and communion begins. Spread the word.
“Welcome to the Best Worst Group!” Quite the oxymoron, right?
This is often the greeting that is offered to new members of our Betrayed Partner Support Group. The group includes women who have all experienced some form of sexual betrayal by their partner. There are wives whose husbands have been identified with sex addiction or porn addiction, and partners whose significant other has had an affair. Who would EVER want to be in a group like this? The pain that these women have experienced is immense, intense, and at times overwhelming…and yet the women in the group “get it,” validate it, and desire nothing more than to heal from it. This is why they call it the BEST worst group.
The support group meets via Zoom, starting promptly at 5:15 pm AZ time. We begin with a brief mindfulness breathing exercise to allow each of us to let go of the busyness of the day and to allow ourselves to get “present” to being with each other. The facilitator (Dr. Gilbert) then opens with a short educational piece related to partner betrayal. The topics vary, but may include, for example, common reactions that partners may experience, the PTSD-like symptoms that persist, the shame that is thrust upon these women that is not theirs to carry but they do, how to cope with the rollercoaster ride of emotions, what are appropriate boundaries, etc. Each participant is then invited to share about the following: 1) anything from Dr. Gilbert’s educational piece that resonated with them, 2) something from the past week for which they could express gratitude, and 3) anything that they are struggling with related to their relationship/betrayal trauma. We then end by 6:30 pm with a closing mindfulness practice.
For many of these women, this support group is the ONLY place for them to truly feel free to talk with others (besides their therapist) about what they have experienced and with what they continue to struggle. So often, friends or family don’t understand (“Why don’t you just leave him?!”), or there is judgment by others, or the partner feels too much shame to disclose to those in her life. It can feel relieving to be a part of a group where there is no judgment, where there is empathy for what you are struggling with, and where you are not “the only one” to have been betrayed sexually.
If you are interested in finding out more about our “Best Worst Group,” please first talk with your therapist about whether a support group would complement your treatment plan. If so, please email Dr. Gilbert at pcs@pcsearle.com to schedule a brief chat to make sure the group would be a good fit for you!
Dr. Gilbert can include participants from AZ and from the following states only:
Alabama
Arizona
Colorado
Delaware
District of Columbia – DC
Georgia
Illinois
Kentucky
Maryland
Minnesota
Missouri
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
North Carolina
Ohio
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Virginia
West Virginia
Kansas (Effective January 1, 2022)
Maine (Effective October 18, 2021)
Arkansas (Effective March 1, 2022)
Series Two; Blog Sixty
Recovery from addiction requires detachment. The word means to separate, dis-engage, or disunite. Step 3 of the 12-step program admonishes that “we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Sounds serene and beautiful. Yet, I dare say, more blood and anguish has been shed over this step than any other step of the 12. If detaching could only be about letting go, it would be easier. It’s not that letting go is easy but often detachment is like peeling away control over people, issues, and circumstances as if they were superglued to your body. It is a momentous emotional struggle. It often is anguishing and for many must be done on a daily basis.
Many years ago when I was in early stages of recovery, it was necessary to detach from two people who had been the best friends of my life. The reasons were complicated. The enmeshment to them was extreme. They were family to me. We moved from one state to another to live and be close to each other. Yet, the cathexis between the two families became toxic and threatened the health of both families. On a January morning in 1990, we decided to go our separate ways and we have never connected again from that day to this.
The decision required detachment. I remember spending time in the forest screaming with sadness that I lost the two best friends of my life at that time. It was essential to healing and was one of the worst emotional hurts I have ever suffered. Detaching from these good people felt like ripping the skin from my body. I must say it did propel deeper growth to my recovery and deeper intimacy to my family and self. Looking back, detachment was the only way to free myself from the codependency that dominated my existence at that time.
Cathexis is a word that isn’t used all that often. It refers to the charge of psychic energy so invested between people in relationship. The psychic energy between an alcoholic and a partner and family can be palpable. It contributes to why people don’t know where they stop and another person starts. Some addictive families can appear to be one continuous blob of reactivity to an addict’s behavior. There are no boundaries and everyone is devastated when the addict acts out on h/her cravings.
The answer to healing in relationships of this nature is found in process of detachment. Nothing is more difficult to do than to separate from the addict and disengage a toxic family system. It’s what makes Step 3 so difficult. Addicts must also practice detachment from a dysfunctional relational system if they are to ever establish and maintain long term sobriety. Hard-won sobriety is infectious. It feels good, creates clear-headed thinking, and empowers a new way of living. Yet, it is not sustainable without detachment.
Letting go of what you cannot control is a key building block in the foundation of recovery to establish serenity. You won’t know peace without surrender, letting go and turning it over to your Higher Power. “It” can be your substance or process addiction. It might be your relationship to your non-addicted spouse, your family, your work, and everything else that exists outside of you that you have depended upon for your identity. You must detach without reservation. It will require boundaries with consequences to maintain detachment.
Corrie ten Boom was a holocaust survivor who used to talk about turning life over to God and letting go with fingers spread apart so that you cannot hold onto anything between your fingers. It is a total commitment to detachment that is necessary in order to create priceless serenity.
As you practice detachment and letting go of your need to control people, it enhances all of your relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It will help you set boundaries with others. It will help you to make the best possible decisions. It helps you to embrace your feelings and to stop reacting. It will help you create a positive course of action in your life. It makes room for others to do the same.
Many addicts relapse and stay stuck in their addictions because they do not know how to detach their identity from their spouse, their work, and other important relationships.
It is possible to detach with love. Yet, whether it is with love or not, detachment is a life raft to addicts stuck in a whirlpool of dysfunctional behaviors from family and loved ones.
Consider the following questions:
Who or what do you need to detach from?
Identify the fear that you have about what you know it will mean to detach, and share it with a support person.
Describe the kind of life you would live if you could detach from your entangled relationship.
Series Two; Blog Fifty
“The distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn persistent illusion. Time is an illusion”. Albert Einstein
My bed was next to the upstairs window on the south side of our house facing our neighbor’s home. While lying in bed I could also see the traffic passing by on 18th street which was U.S. Highway 45. In the summertime I would watch the 18-wheelers pass by, wondering where they were headed. I would fantasize what it would be like driving one of those big rigs. I learned that some had sleepers and I wondered what it would be like to drive and pull over to a rest stop and crawl into the sleep compartment. I thought about packing all the tasty goodies I would want to take with me. In my young, naive mind it sounded like an adventure. This fantasy was particularly persistent when I knew that the next morning I was going to get up and go hoe beans or detassel corn for some farmer.
Many years have passed since those days of childhood fantasy. Long ago the interstate replaced U.S. Highway 45 as a main transportation artery for truckers. The highway now is a lonely lane of travel that is no longer used for cross-country trucking of goods and services. I haven’t lived in the house I grew up in for 50 years. The romance and adventure of being a trucker has long since lost its appeal.
Einstein was helpful in pointing out the illusory aspect of time. Some people live life by fantasizing and wishing they were always somewhere other than where they are presently. The past is romanticized.
I recall in high school days there was a Friday and Saturday night ritual in my hometown to cruise down Broadway east to 12th street and north to Gill’s Drive In at 12th and DeWitt. The idea was to circle through the parking lot and then retrace the same path, doing it over and over, honking at your friends and listening to Led Zeppelin or whatever hard rock was playing on WLS radio from Chicago. Of course, you were cool when you had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your tee shirt sleeve. I never owned a car and could only ride with someone else. It was something to look forward to in an Illinois Midwest town.
Well, I was recently visiting my hometown and took the journey in my own car that I could never take when I was in high school. It wasn’t the same to say the least! First, half of downtown had been razed and was hardly recognizable. As I made my way towards Gill’s Drive In, the streets seemed so narrow and inconspicuous. Then, Gill’s Drive In was gone too! Where once there was a hub of activity there was now an empty lot! I felt disappointment and emptiness. I could only think of the good-old days! I wanted to reminisce. The truth was those days were not any better, and clearly not nearly as good as the here and now. Certainly the streets were not any wider! It’s just that it is tempting to look back and think that yesterday was better than today. Yet, to go back and live out the economy of yesterday would be absurd. There would be no internet, no cell phone, no audio subwoofer systems booming base that rattles your bones, and no Tesla quietly smoking every other car off the line when the stoplight turned green! We are just tempted to want to live out yesterday once more.
“The distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn persistent illusion”, Einstein said. It is a common tendency to want to think that the best part of the party is always somewhere other than where you are. Einstein is right, it is an illusion. No matter how much you hurt, how bored you may be, or how much you wish the current crisis of your situation would disappear, the best part of the party is right where you are.
No kidding! Yet, how could this be? Too often addicts want to be anywhere other than struggling with emotional pain, craving, or boredom. How could this be the best part of the party for me? How do I transform this moment of misery into one of meaningfulness? Consider the following suggestions:
Recognize that everyone struggles just like you:
This is not to say that everyone has your struggle. It’s just that when you listen and experience the realities of those you envy, most likely you would choose to be satisfied with your own burdens and adversity. The old adage “life isn’t greener on the other side of the fence” is most often true. It helps to ground reality, to know that your struggles are not unique, and that trials are common to us all.
2. Find meaningful wisdom in your current crucible of suffering: There is divine insight for all who search for it in adversity. It requires that you hold your feet to the fire when you experience discomfort and emotional pain. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Share what comes up with others who are doing the same as you. Recovery meetings are a place to do this. What will emerge is wisdom that will transform your misery into meaningfulness. This requires disciplined training and conditioning. It will add richness to every moment of your existence.
3. Slow things down and be present in the moment: Much has been said and written about this. Yet, it cannot be overstated. Many addicts are like myself and struggle to be still in order to experience their own presence. To suggest that you practice presence doesn’t mean you should be a master in this art. Most addicts like me can obsess about doing more to keep from being less. The disease of “more” prevents presence, which destroys meaningfulness in the moment. Trying to do more to keep from being less is a trap and illusion that robs you and me from the sacred present moment.
As human beings, we are always tempted to nostalgically want to live in the past. It’s true that past days seem so much better than the present when we view them through the rose-colored glasses of sentimentality. Yet, Einstein reminds us that through a 20/20 hindsight view, “the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn persistent illusion. Time is an illusion”.
Meaningfulness in life can only be right where you are, in the moment you are experiencing in the here and now.
Series Two; Blog Forty-Eight
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” – Joseph Campbell
Recovery from relapse is about finding the secrets of every-day brilliance in the experience of stumbling and personal failure. Listed are further insights to deepen this understanding.
6. Developing the skill set to bring yourself back to center: Bringing yourself back to center in recovery is as important as embracing sobriety in the first place. Most addicts relapse in some form or another. Some participate in lapse behavior, which is a way of re-engaging high-risk patterns that if left neglected will lead to full-blown relapse. If you were to go for a long hike and needed to pick someone to go with who either was a veteran hiker who boasted that she had never been lost or someone who knew how to read a compass and was experienced with orienteering, who would you pick? I would choose the one who knew how to read the compass and could orienteer just in case the other hiker lost his way for the first time.
Recovery is about orienteering your way back to center. Many life experiences trigger someone to lose their way in recovery. Daily frustrations, losses, disappointments, resentments, failures, etc can all spark lapses or relapses. Knowing how to find your way back to living in the center of your values is crucial.
Shame triggers lapse and relapse more than any other feeling dynamic. Learning to not beat yourself up when you go against values but to bring yourself back to your values when you engage lapse or relapse behavior is to practice a great secret in long term recovery. This skill set requires great discipline and daily conditioning and training.
7. Keeping your feet to the fire. This simple reality is so necessary to much of life experience. It certainly is true in recovery. It is a mindset. When you attend a recovery meeting you do this by openly sharing the last thing you want people to know about you. Why? It is because this is the way we grow and develop healthy intimacy. It is important to put yourself on the hot seat in group and other relational experiences. Most people will attempt to avoid the discomfort of the hot seat. Yet, those who do keep their feet to the fire will be rewarded with continued growth. Life expresses growth and development. Sometimes you will endure misperceptions by other people who will judge you or give you feedback as if you don’t know what you know. Yet, you will experience continued growth by putting yourself on the hot seat and keeping your feet to the fire in recovery.
8. Practice velvet steel. This daily practice is an essential and staple tool for recovery. Addicts tend to be velvet (gentle) where they need to be tough, and steel (tough) where they need to be velvet. Embracing this important life skill accesses the wisdom of consideration. This skill is an art form that is learned through training and practice. Knowing when to apply the strict letter of the law and when to be gentle requires ongoing application and conscious discipline. The rewards are balanced living and long-term sobriety.
9. Overcome partial truths with rigorous honesty. Addicts are great at compartmentalizing truth about behaviors. It is amazing the high-risk behaviors that addicts are able to rationalize as essential. One sex addict relates that his quandary is that on his way home after work he travels down an avenue where there is a strip club that lures him into the parking lot. He presented himself as helpless, not knowing how to resolve his high-risk problem. When it was suggested that he simply drive down a different street that would avoid temptation, he responded in surprise saying “it’s just out of my way” so I never thought about it.
Compartmentalizing behavior must be overcome with rigorous honesty. Many times addicts put themselves in harm’s way because they do not want to face the penetrating responsibility of rigorous honesty about the thoughts that are going on inside their head. As a result, addicts get stuck in living out partial truths with vague awareness of the danger that propels them toward relapse behavior. Partial truths create vague awareness about high-risk behaviors. As a result, addicts will hover around temptations that eventually will be rationalized into reality. This is where the old saying “if you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a haircut.” Rigorous honesty removes the fog of uncertainty and eliminates the breeding ground for relapse. It promotes long-term sobriety.
10. Believe that you are the leader that you have been looking for. Steps in recovery are scary propositions to consider. They are radical and require profound paradigm shifts in thought and behavior. As a result, most addicts initially approach recovery in fear and trepidation. It is understandable that in beginning recovery you look to a sponsor and others to be the guru in recovery. Certainly, in the early stages it is necessary to lean heavily upon others to show you the way. The problem is that addicts can get stuck in looking outside and not inside for guidance while navigating the difficult pathways for recovery. Most addicts are needy and tend to look to others to tell them what to do about recovery and almost anything. Yet, the truth is there is no guru: you are it. You can cultivate and maintain respect toward those who are authors, speakers, or mentors. This is the way of mutual respect. Yet, when you put those same people on a pedestal, you will become dependent and your own capacity to grow and develop becomes stunted. Believing means that what is needed in your life and in the world for you to successfully remain sober and become an influence for healing is inside your heart. Looking outside will only stifle your capacity to resource yourself. Asking for help is necessary for all in life. Relying upon others to be your wisdom and your strength will sap your own energy and creative insight to be all that your destiny calls you to be. The truth is that you are the leader that you are looking for. When you truly believe this, you will connect to your own brilliance with awareness to resource without dependence on others. This is the way toward long-term sobriety.
11. Develop a spiritual lifestyle of affirming yourself. Daily affirmations are one of the most neglected skills in the world of recovery. Addicts have learned and practiced mistaken beliefs about themselves since they were young impressionable children. These beliefs that sabotage and undermine destiny became entrenched during young impressionable stages of life. They become so embedded that if you ask an addict where or who taught you that you don’t matter or that you are not good enough, they will say it is my voice and my belief. While this is true, the origin which needs to be addressed came from primary caregivers. Addicts marry themselves to their mistaken beliefs in such a way that they become synonymous with the distorted thought. Long-term sobriety requires that these mistaken beliefs be unlearned and replaced by positive affirmative beliefs that support the transformation that yields sobriety and serenity. This can only happen through training and conditioning. It is an unheralded practice that many addicts gloss over. But, just as the athlete performing under pressure must focus on a positive belief about results with disciplined practice, so too must the recovering addict discipline thoughts that influence behavior with disciplined conditioning and training. This comes through immersing your spirit and soul with positive inspiring affirmations. You must practice bathing yourself in positive affirmations in the same way you practice hygiene. Daily or regular washing your awareness with positive affirmation is an absolute must for establishing long term sobriety. As you deepen this skill set you will discover what Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” The secret to long-term sobriety is found in the discovery of brilliance posited deep within your own heart. It is the only place you will ever find it and the only place it will ever be.
Elijah Bedrosian, LPC, SEP introduces his new Series Within A Series: After The Session – where he will be interviewing others in the Mental Health field. Coming soon!
Ancient Greek philosophers were onto something when they coined the term “the golden mean,” which posits that at one extreme lies excess, at the other deficiency, and in the middle—the only desirable option—the golden mean.
Think about it. If we regularly eat too little or too much, our health suffers. If we never exercise, or do so excessively, our bodies become burdened. If we work too hard, at the expense of play, our joy may slip away. Yet if we play too hard, at the expense of work, our resources may disappear. In the middle—where we eat, exercise, work, and play in a balanced way—we strike gold.
This concept applies to interpersonal interactions, as well. On the deficient extreme lies non-assertive behavior, which is self-denying, leads to feelings of hurt and anxiety, and allows others to get their needs met at the expense of our own.
At the excessive extreme lies aggressive behavior, which also produces poor outcomes, as it demands respect for one’s own self at the expense of respect for others, is often experienced as controlling, hurtful, and humiliating, and can be expressed either overtly—as in threatening, oppositional communication—or indirectly—such as becoming sneaky, sly, or retaliatory.
Because both extremes produce a winner (the respected party) and a loser (the disrespected party), neither approach is capable of generating sustainable, balanced, healthy relational dynamics. Ultimately, then, even the winner loses.
If we really want to win, we need to go for the gold…. assertiveness!
Assertive behavior is:
• “Self-expressive • Respectful of the rights of others • Honest • Direct and firm • Equalizing, benefitting both parties in a relationship • Both verbal (including the content of the message) and nonverbal (including the style of the message) • Positive (expressing affection, praise, appreciation) at times and negative (expressing limits, anger, criticism) at times • Appropriate for the person and situation, not universal • Socially responsible • Both inborn (elements of temperament) and learned (styles of behavior) • As persistent as is necessary to achieves one’s goals without violating the above points” (Alberti & Emmons, 2017)
We strike relational gold when we communicate with others in a way that is respectful to both sender and receiver. We strike gold when we honor our own wants, needs, rights, and values not at the expense of another, but in tandem with those of another. We hit even more gold when we express our feelings—whatever they may be—authentically and comfortably.
Whether focusing on the dimensions of health, relationships, or otherwise, avoiding the extremes of “too much” and “not enough,” in favor of the middle path, is more likely to produce sustainable, win-win outcomes. So, if you want to strike it rich in life, think like the Greeks of old and make the golden mean your goal.
Article By: Erin J. Buggy
Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th Ed.). Impact Publishers.
Self-regulation is not a tool we are born with. According to the self-regulation theory when it comes to what we think, feel, say, and do, it is pertinent in that specific context to make a suitable decision when we have a strong desire to do the exact opposite. (Baumeister & Vohs, 2017) Self-regulation is a skill that needs to be learned like; language, riding a bike and problem solving. Raising a child to regulate emotions is a significant aspect of parenting. This skill contributes to the emotional intelligence that is needed in everyday life. In adulthood, there are crucial abilities needed that are acquired during child development.
Self-regulation is one of the four branches that make up emotional intelligence which consists of skills like understanding emotions, using emotions, perceiving emotions and regulation. Emotional regulation can be defined as one’s ability to express and experience emotions in an appropriate manner. For an example, a proper response to receiving negative feedback on a college paper would not be yelling at the professor and storming out of the classroom. Yes, the individual is expected to be upset however, should be able to internally process intense emotions and assess ways to apply themselves for future success. Doing so would be a sign of problem solving and being able to engage in healthy compensatory strategies to manage uncomfortable emotions when necessary. Problem solving, understanding and accepting an emotional experience are skills that are a result of emotional regulation. It is also important to note that the understanding one has of their own emotional processes allows them the capability to practice empathy in interpersonal relationships. Self-regulation is a tool that teaches children social awareness which allows them to take on other’s perspective which is needed to build meaningful relationships. There are several benefits that stem from emotional regulation therefore teaching these particular skills to children is such an essential responsibility.
Furthermore, there are specific aspects in life in which children need to be able to self-regulate. Maintaining socially acceptable behavior requires children from preschool age (four to five years old) to school age (five to twelve years old) to have emotional regulation skills. This ability will assure that they control inappropriate impulses. Some impulses can be disruptive in school which can disrupt the learning environment. Impulses such as; blurting things out randomly without waiting for the proper opportunity, not taking turns during play time, not sharing toys and expressing emotions in inappropriate ways. Impulses like these will also make it hard for kids to socialize and adapt to their environment. Children who have strong social skills typically have a more positive outlook on attending school because they have a healthy social environment to look forward to. During these early stages in life children need to build on their social skills for success in their adolescent and adult years.
Additional factors that make teaching self-regulation such a priority is the natural motivation of good behavior and acquiring coping skills without much assistance from the guardian. The outcome that we strive for as parents is to raise a child that can positively function in society. This includes giving your child the tools to make good decisions about their behavior and learn how to behave in new situations with less guidance from their guardians. As parents, we should allow our children to be open about their emotions and model the behavior that is socially acceptable. The positive outcome is giving children the potential to properly manage stress, learn to cope with strong feelings and having the ability to calm themselves after getting angry. Over time parents who are actively teaching positive emotional modeling and discussing emotions, it is most likely that the child will gain coping skills that will benefit their social behavior for the rest of their lives.
Identifying Emotional Dysregulation in Children
There are various signs to pay attention to when identifying dysregulation in children. In that respect is typical behavior that is noticed in children when it comes to social behavior and cognitive functioning. From infancy to age six it is expected to see children throw tantrums due to them not being capable of controlling emotions in response to being upset, frustrated and disappointed. It is expected for that type of emotional response to dissipate by age six on. However, children who are emotionally dysregulated tend to continue throwing tantrums in reaction to being dissatisfied. So as opposed to experiencing something that maybe upsetting and being able to properly manage those emotions with learned coping skills. You will notice that the self-dysregulated child exhibits disruptive behavior such as yelling, crying uncontrollably, falling onto the ground, etc. Without the competence to self-regulate, in response to anger a child may act out aggressively by inflicting pain on to themselves or others. With this considered the probability of the child being deemed as deviant for expressing abnormal behaviors and emotions increases due to dysfunctional patterns halting them from functioning suitably in society. As well as, dangerous because of the way they are handling their distress.
If emotional dysregulation is not corrected, a chain reaction of other unfortunate outcomes can potentially follow. Such as difficult, out of control behavior becoming more frequent and intense as the child gets older. If the misbehavior and unacceptable emotional responses are not acknowledged and corrected by the child’s caretakers, it is likely to continue. It is important to tackle these problems early on before negative reactions become behavioral patterns, thus, making it difficult for parents to properly discipline their children. “Dysregulated emotion is characterized by excessive and rapidly shifting emotions, often associated with irritable and aggressive behavior, and high rates of comorbid oppositional defiant disorder.” (Stralen, 2016) Nonetheless, affective discipline such as, consistent punishments along with dialogue regarding the issue, is one of the most effective ways of teaching emotional regulation in children.
Emotional dysregulation identifiers in children is also noticeable when paying attention to their social conduct including; withdrawal and problems socializing. When a child’s behavioral patterns do not align with what is developmentally appropriate, they have a tough time fitting in with their peers. The child dealing with this problem can begin to have a negative outlook on participating with others. If they cannot socially relate to their peers due to their underdeveloped emotional process, the child could have a hard time making friends and building social skills that are needed for their future. This issue will affect the child’s development of communications skills as well, which goes hand in hand with socializing. Problems communicating is potentially the worst outcome when it comes to children having emotional dysfunction. Due to them having strong negative emotions and not being able to express them properly which in turn could be expressed with aggression as discussed previously. It is normal for everyone to go through frustration, however when lack of coping skills and knowledge to properly express that those emotions are present, it starts to build up which can lead to a negative outcome. Guardians should avoid these problems with children’s emotions because in the real world it becomes an issue for society to deal with.
How Self-Regulation Improves Resilience and Mental Health
Self-regulation helps improve resilience and mental health in children. Resilience is a method attained by individuals that allows them to adapt well when confronted by stress, trauma and adversity. Children gain resilience with using effective coping skills, having a support system, competence, having a sense of control and confidence. The support system needed primarily comes from the immediate family of the child, as well as peers, teachers and mentors who have a huge influence on their lives. Competence comes from lessons learned in life from others and past experiences. Confidence is acquired when the youth is able to use their competence in real-life situations and see positive outcomes that result from their actions. This then leads to their sense of control in life, because their actions are being predetermined based on the reaction they are desiring. In order to accomplish any of these levels of resilience, the child needs to have emotional regulation skills and vice versa. A study referring to the role resilience and self-esteem plays when it comes to behavioral and emotional problems, found that resilience plays a protective role when considering emotional and behavioral problems in children. (Arslan, 2015) Children are much more capable of designating through their lives independently with self-regulation and by being resilient. These skills make it possible for children to function in society in the face of hardships. Using effective emotional-regulation skills allow children to have a higher tolerance dealing with distress and are expected to gain more resilience as they are confronted with issues over time.
How Parents Can Promote Emotional Regulation
Parents and guardians are the strongest influence in their children’s lives. Albert Bandura, Ph.D. created the social learning theory explaining how behaviors are influenced to an extent by reward and punishment. However, in most cases like teaching language, driving and of course acceptable behavior modeling is the best teacher. Since children learn mostly through modeling, parents should value the way they express behavior around their children. Therefore, their own ability to regulate emotions is one of the first emotion-related modeling children witness. Kids learn about how to properly respond in different situations by watching parent’s emotional interactions and display. Using emotional expression as an opportunity to connect with your child and teach them it is ok to express your emotions properly. This way they are not only shown that it is good to express yourself, but also know they can discuss emotions with their family. Children should always know they have a strong support system and how they can use them in a time of need. When using this technique to build emotional skills, it is also quintessential to label emotions that they maybe feeling. For an example, if the family dog runs away and a child is saddened and upset, it is a significant time for the guardian to address what those feelings are and how to accept the turn of events. This is a way of teaching children to accept their emotions in effort to normalize emotional expression. A mistake made by many parents is minimizing or denying emotions their child is expressing; even at low intensity. All emotions should be identified and addressed by parents when teaching emotional regulation.
Raising children to have strong social-emotional skills requires thoughtful work from the child’s family and environment. Emotional skills begin in the home with healthy and consistent parent–child interactions. The relationship that children have with their parents is a part of what builds the foundation of knowledge that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Children’s emotional regulation is heavily influenced by parenting styles and family’s emotional climate. So, it is important for parents to practice authoritative parenting by being responsive to the child’s emotional needs while having high standards and proper discipline. Being attentive to a child’s needs is what will motivate them to be open about their emotions. With practice of openness of emotions, that will help build emotional regulation skills. A healthy home environment with family is a substantial aspect when it comes to assisting the emotional development of a child. There should not be any at home stressors like yelling and fighting that can cause anxiety. Plus, that type of behavior can teach children to do the same when they are expressing themselves. Children should be raised in a home that is viewed as a sanctuary. With such support coming from the family, quality emotional development is expected to be the outcome. It is important to teach children to self-regulate to become emotionally mature and build healthy social connections. Guardians who are raising children are to be educated on the importance of emotional regulation, how to identify emotional dysregulation, regulation improvement and ways in which they can teach these skills to their children. With all things considered, emotional regulation is a necessary skill for children to have in order to prosper in society.
Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2017). Handbook of Self-Regulation: Research, Theory, and Applications. (3rd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press.
Stralen, J. V. (2016). Emotional dysregulation in children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders, 8(4), 175–187. doi: 10.1007/s12402-016-0199-0
Grief can feel heavy daily for those who have experienced loss in their life. Grief can often feel EVEN heavier during the holiday season for many.
There is something about the holidays that can bring forth big and overwhelming emotions. The memories or traditions tied to this specific time could ignite a number of feelings for someone who may be missing a loved one. Having a way to keep loved ones who have passed feeling present and involved during the holiday time can sometimes feel crucial and reassuring.
The question here is: How do people commemorate their loves ones who are no longer physically with them during the holiday season? What does that look like for each person or family?
Some ideas to commemorate your loved one during the holiday season can include:
• Set a plate at the dinner table for your loved one • Prepare your loved one’s favorite meal/food dish • Visit them at their grave site or where their ashes lay • Share stories about your loved one • Write letters or journal entries to your loved one • Have a designated decoration honoring your loved one (i.e., candle, ornament, stocking, etc.) • Attend religious services to feel connected to that individual • Play music that reminds you of them
While there are many things someone can do to show tribute during this season, it is important to do what feels right for you and your family during the holiday time. Feel your feelings and celebrate in ways you can feel the most comfort and love. May this holiday season bring much strength and peace to those who are going through their grief and deeply missing someone special in their life.
A “frenemy” is an oxymoron that refers to a person who is a friend but at the same time can be an enemy. Sigmund Freud once said that “an intimate friend and a hated enemy have always been indispensable to my emotional life…not infrequently, friend and enemy have coincided in the same person.” A frenemy can be one-sided, jealous, passive-aggressive, undermining and a host of other traits. The most devastating trait is betrayal. This trait is experienced like a dagger to the heart. In the Bible, King David referenced his agony of being betrayed by a friend. He wrote “For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; Then I could bear it. Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me; Then I could hide from him. But it was you, a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance.” (Psalm 55:12-14)
Betrayal from a friend is like the rug being pulled from under you. This happens in recovery community. You thought it would never happen after experiencing dishonesty and deception before getting into recovery. Now you feel double-crossed by a dear friend in your 12-step community. It cuts to the bone. How do you move forward and not just give up on recovery?
Here are some steps to consider:
Embrace your feelings. Write them out in a journal (abandoned, tricked, despondent, fear, anger, hate, resentment, etc.) Emphasize I hate it when… I feel tricked, when… etc. If you don’t like to write, speak it into your phone and play it back to you so you can hear your feelings. It will help you embrace them.
Share your raw feelings and reactions in the presence of someone you choose to trust. It won’t be helpful to commiserate and require that your friend have the same feeling you have about this person. Having another pile on to what you already feel only makes matters worse. Yet, someone who is willing to listen and support you expressing your raw feelings is a powerful healing experience.
Identify ways in which you have hurt others in like principle (not like kind) that you were hurt by your friend. This is a difficult step. When you have been devastated by another’s betrayal, it is difficult to embrace the idea that you have hurt someone else in principle like you have been hurt by your friend. This step requires a certain degree of maturity on your part. Most likely at the root of your friend’s betrayal is the mentality of “I want what I want when I want it”. This hurtful reasoning created much pain for you. Setting your pain aside and looking at ways in which you have done the same in principle to others is difficult and not automatic. Yet, this is an important step toward managing the betrayal behavior of your frenemy.
Forgive yourself for your hurtful behavior toward others. It will pave the way toward forgiveness of your frenemy. To forgive yourself you must put yourself in the shoes of the one you offended. Sitting with the reality of the hurt they felt because of your behavior is an important step for you to take in order to forgive yourself. This circuitous path will lead you to being able to forgive others who have hurt you.
Forgive your frenemy for the betrayal behavior. Forgiveness is about doing the work of not holding the hurtful behavior against your frenemy who hurt you. Likely, it will not be a “one and done” experience. You will need to let go of the need to blame and walk in the opposite direction. You will need to practice sending positive energy to the one who hurt you. You will need to rely upon your Higher Power to do this. You will need to forgive regularly until the pain and sorrow reduces to a point of no longer dominating your experience of the offender. This forgiveness is empowered by the work you have done when you forgave yourself for committing a like behavior in principle to another. The act of forgiving your frenemy will come with the benefit of unlocking the emotional prison that the act of betrayal created for you.
Forgiving your frenemy does not mean you must continue a close relationship and be good friends. It does mean that you can let go and not be dominated by the betrayal experience from someone who you thought would never hurt you in the way they did.
I went looking for a word that describes a part of who I am. This aspect is so integrated into my being that not having a word to describe it felt like I had to have a script in place at all times in order to explain it to others.
How many children do you have? Well, there is this thing I need to tell you. Sentence upon sentence had to be spoken while I watched people’s faces fall and felt their energy stiffen. This would be followed by my ingrained coping mechanism of caretaking people, telling them it was okay and that I was okay when in fact it wasn’t and I wasn’t and I really just wanted to howl.
This special word needed to encapsulate how I fit into the fabric of a community. It had to allude to my experience of having more than a broken heart and more than a fear of living with it. It had to suggest the idea of straddling two worlds – the gut wrenching “here” and the veiled and mysterious “there.”
The word had to evoke a sense of a shattered ego and a complete distrust of the world. Its definition would include words like alienation and loneliness and the feeling of walking through fire every day. Apathy for life would also be listed. The definition had to include the daily climb through the rubble of anxiety that chewed at my body, countered by the unexpected slide into valleys of muddy despair. There would be terminology to address the fervent hope of reconstituting the self and discovering a new meaning and mission in life. It also had to hint at grief morphing into gratitude.
That’s a lot to ask of one word, but I found it. VILOMAH. VEE-LO-MAH. Vilomah.
I am a vilomah. I am a parent whose child has died. The epitome of an archetype for grief. The worst loss in the human experience. Vilomah means “against the natural order of things.” It comes from Sanskrit, the same language that gave us the word widow which means “empty.” I have lived, “against the natural order of things,” for almost 11 years now. My son’s name is Kieren. I use the present tense because he is not gone. I feel if I could just turn my head fast enough he would be standing right next to me. He’s always been a little evasive.
Vilomah. When I found this word, I experienced a peaceful resignation. At last, a word that I could use that could bring a label to my experience and illuminate a part of myself that is often not discussed. It meant the possible communion with other vilomahs. I was part of a group, defined by a simple utterance, “vilomah.” It is the password to an exclusive club to which no one would want membership. The word helps us to identify each other beyond looking into the eyes of a stranger and having a weird sense that “they know what this is.”
Vilomah. I am not a fan of labels but this one fits. Grieving in community can move the process of healing in ways that are difficult to describe. Learning that other people experience crowds to be overwhelming and that skin can literally ache. Understanding that having a friend with a shop vac is invaluable after the plates I used to love somehow ended up smashed against a garage door. Discovering that it is normal to make sounds not found in nature when grieving on the kitchen floor. Normalizing how our family took turns sleeping in his bed for weeks. Confirming that Mother’s Day is a day to survive. Thanking the universe that my other child announced they were gay shortly after Kieren’s death because my therapist told me, “They are looking forward instead of back.” And realizing closure is a fever dream that comforts our dear ones with the belief there is a finish line in sight.
Vilomah. The trailhead where the journey and communion begins. Spread the word.
“Welcome to the Best Worst Group!” Quite the oxymoron, right?
This is often the greeting that is offered to new members of our Betrayed Partner Support Group. The group includes women who have all experienced some form of sexual betrayal by their partner. There are wives whose husbands have been identified with sex addiction or porn addiction, and partners whose significant other has had an affair. Who would EVER want to be in a group like this? The pain that these women have experienced is immense, intense, and at times overwhelming…and yet the women in the group “get it,” validate it, and desire nothing more than to heal from it. This is why they call it the BEST worst group.
The support group meets via Zoom, starting promptly at 5:15 pm AZ time. We begin with a brief mindfulness breathing exercise to allow each of us to let go of the busyness of the day and to allow ourselves to get “present” to being with each other. The facilitator (Dr. Gilbert) then opens with a short educational piece related to partner betrayal. The topics vary, but may include, for example, common reactions that partners may experience, the PTSD-like symptoms that persist, the shame that is thrust upon these women that is not theirs to carry but they do, how to cope with the rollercoaster ride of emotions, what are appropriate boundaries, etc. Each participant is then invited to share about the following: 1) anything from Dr. Gilbert’s educational piece that resonated with them, 2) something from the past week for which they could express gratitude, and 3) anything that they are struggling with related to their relationship/betrayal trauma. We then end by 6:30 pm with a closing mindfulness practice.
For many of these women, this support group is the ONLY place for them to truly feel free to talk with others (besides their therapist) about what they have experienced and with what they continue to struggle. So often, friends or family don’t understand (“Why don’t you just leave him?!”), or there is judgment by others, or the partner feels too much shame to disclose to those in her life. It can feel relieving to be a part of a group where there is no judgment, where there is empathy for what you are struggling with, and where you are not “the only one” to have been betrayed sexually.
If you are interested in finding out more about our “Best Worst Group,” please first talk with your therapist about whether a support group would complement your treatment plan. If so, please email Dr. Gilbert at pcs@pcsearle.com to schedule a brief chat to make sure the group would be a good fit for you!
Dr. Gilbert can include participants from AZ and from the following states only:
Recovery from addiction requires detachment. The word means to separate, dis-engage, or disunite. Step 3 of the 12-step program admonishes that “we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Sounds serene and beautiful. Yet, I dare say, more blood and anguish has been shed over this step than any other step of the 12. If detaching could only be about letting go, it would be easier. It’s not that letting go is easy but often detachment is like peeling away control over people, issues, and circumstances as if they were superglued to your body. It is a momentous emotional struggle. It often is anguishing and for many must be done on a daily basis.
Many years ago when I was in early stages of recovery, it was necessary to detach from two people who had been the best friends of my life. The reasons were complicated. The enmeshment to them was extreme. They were family to me. We moved from one state to another to live and be close to each other. Yet, the cathexis between the two families became toxic and threatened the health of both families. On a January morning in 1990, we decided to go our separate ways and we have never connected again from that day to this.
The decision required detachment. I remember spending time in the forest screaming with sadness that I lost the two best friends of my life at that time. It was essential to healing and was one of the worst emotional hurts I have ever suffered. Detaching from these good people felt like ripping the skin from my body. I must say it did propel deeper growth to my recovery and deeper intimacy to my family and self. Looking back, detachment was the only way to free myself from the codependency that dominated my existence at that time.
Cathexis is a word that isn’t used all that often. It refers to the charge of psychic energy so invested between people in relationship. The psychic energy between an alcoholic and a partner and family can be palpable. It contributes to why people don’t know where they stop and another person starts. Some addictive families can appear to be one continuous blob of reactivity to an addict’s behavior. There are no boundaries and everyone is devastated when the addict acts out on h/her cravings.
The answer to healing in relationships of this nature is found in process of detachment. Nothing is more difficult to do than to separate from the addict and disengage a toxic family system. It’s what makes Step 3 so difficult. Addicts must also practice detachment from a dysfunctional relational system if they are to ever establish and maintain long term sobriety. Hard-won sobriety is infectious. It feels good, creates clear-headed thinking, and empowers a new way of living. Yet, it is not sustainable without detachment.
Letting go of what you cannot control is a key building block in the foundation of recovery to establish serenity. You won’t know peace without surrender, letting go and turning it over to your Higher Power. “It” can be your substance or process addiction. It might be your relationship to your non-addicted spouse, your family, your work, and everything else that exists outside of you that you have depended upon for your identity. You must detach without reservation. It will require boundaries with consequences to maintain detachment.
Corrie ten Boom was a holocaust survivor who used to talk about turning life over to God and letting go with fingers spread apart so that you cannot hold onto anything between your fingers. It is a total commitment to detachment that is necessary in order to create priceless serenity.
As you practice detachment and letting go of your need to control people, it enhances all of your relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It will help you set boundaries with others. It will help you to make the best possible decisions. It helps you to embrace your feelings and to stop reacting. It will help you create a positive course of action in your life. It makes room for others to do the same.
Many addicts relapse and stay stuck in their addictions because they do not know how to detach their identity from their spouse, their work, and other important relationships.
It is possible to detach with love. Yet, whether it is with love or not, detachment is a life raft to addicts stuck in a whirlpool of dysfunctional behaviors from family and loved ones.
Consider the following questions:
Who or what do you need to detach from?
Identify the fear that you have about what you know it will mean to detach, and share it with a support person.
Describe the kind of life you would live if you could detach from your entangled relationship.
“The distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn persistent illusion. Time is an illusion”. Albert Einstein
My bed was next to the upstairs window on the south side of our house facing our neighbor’s home. While lying in bed I could also see the traffic passing by on 18th street which was U.S. Highway 45. In the summertime I would watch the 18-wheelers pass by, wondering where they were headed. I would fantasize what it would be like driving one of those big rigs. I learned that some had sleepers and I wondered what it would be like to drive and pull over to a rest stop and crawl into the sleep compartment. I thought about packing all the tasty goodies I would want to take with me. In my young, naive mind it sounded like an adventure. This fantasy was particularly persistent when I knew that the next morning I was going to get up and go hoe beans or detassel corn for some farmer.
Many years have passed since those days of childhood fantasy. Long ago the interstate replaced U.S. Highway 45 as a main transportation artery for truckers. The highway now is a lonely lane of travel that is no longer used for cross-country trucking of goods and services. I haven’t lived in the house I grew up in for 50 years. The romance and adventure of being a trucker has long since lost its appeal.
Einstein was helpful in pointing out the illusory aspect of time. Some people live life by fantasizing and wishing they were always somewhere other than where they are presently. The past is romanticized.
I recall in high school days there was a Friday and Saturday night ritual in my hometown to cruise down Broadway east to 12th street and north to Gill’s Drive In at 12th and DeWitt. The idea was to circle through the parking lot and then retrace the same path, doing it over and over, honking at your friends and listening to Led Zeppelin or whatever hard rock was playing on WLS radio from Chicago. Of course, you were cool when you had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your tee shirt sleeve. I never owned a car and could only ride with someone else. It was something to look forward to in an Illinois Midwest town.
Well, I was recently visiting my hometown and took the journey in my own car that I could never take when I was in high school. It wasn’t the same to say the least! First, half of downtown had been razed and was hardly recognizable. As I made my way towards Gill’s Drive In, the streets seemed so narrow and inconspicuous. Then, Gill’s Drive In was gone too! Where once there was a hub of activity there was now an empty lot! I felt disappointment and emptiness. I could only think of the good-old days! I wanted to reminisce. The truth was those days were not any better, and clearly not nearly as good as the here and now. Certainly the streets were not any wider! It’s just that it is tempting to look back and think that yesterday was better than today. Yet, to go back and live out the economy of yesterday would be absurd. There would be no internet, no cell phone, no audio subwoofer systems booming base that rattles your bones, and no Tesla quietly smoking every other car off the line when the stoplight turned green! We are just tempted to want to live out yesterday once more.
“The distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn persistent illusion”, Einstein said. It is a common tendency to want to think that the best part of the party is always somewhere other than where you are. Einstein is right, it is an illusion. No matter how much you hurt, how bored you may be, or how much you wish the current crisis of your situation would disappear, the best part of the party is right where you are.
No kidding! Yet, how could this be? Too often addicts want to be anywhere other than struggling with emotional pain, craving, or boredom. How could this be the best part of the party for me? How do I transform this moment of misery into one of meaningfulness? Consider the following suggestions:
Recognize that everyone struggles just like you:
This is not to say that everyone has your struggle. It’s just that when you listen and experience the realities of those you envy, most likely you would choose to be satisfied with your own burdens and adversity. The old adage “life isn’t greener on the other side of the fence” is most often true. It helps to ground reality, to know that your struggles are not unique, and that trials are common to us all.
2. Find meaningful wisdom in your current crucible of suffering: There is divine insight for all who search for it in adversity. It requires that you hold your feet to the fire when you experience discomfort and emotional pain. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Share what comes up with others who are doing the same as you. Recovery meetings are a place to do this. What will emerge is wisdom that will transform your misery into meaningfulness. This requires disciplined training and conditioning. It will add richness to every moment of your existence.
3. Slow things down and be present in the moment: Much has been said and written about this. Yet, it cannot be overstated. Many addicts are like myself and struggle to be still in order to experience their own presence. To suggest that you practice presence doesn’t mean you should be a master in this art. Most addicts like me can obsess about doing more to keep from being less. The disease of “more” prevents presence, which destroys meaningfulness in the moment. Trying to do more to keep from being less is a trap and illusion that robs you and me from the sacred present moment.
As human beings, we are always tempted to nostalgically want to live in the past. It’s true that past days seem so much better than the present when we view them through the rose-colored glasses of sentimentality. Yet, Einstein reminds us that through a 20/20 hindsight view, “the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubborn persistent illusion. Time is an illusion”.
Meaningfulness in life can only be right where you are, in the moment you are experiencing in the here and now.
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” – Joseph Campbell
Recovery from relapse is about finding the secrets of every-day brilliance in the experience of stumbling and personal failure. Listed are further insights to deepen this understanding.
6. Developing the skill set to bring yourself back to center: Bringing yourself back to center in recovery is as important as embracing sobriety in the first place. Most addicts relapse in some form or another. Some participate in lapse behavior, which is a way of re-engaging high-risk patterns that if left neglected will lead to full-blown relapse. If you were to go for a long hike and needed to pick someone to go with who either was a veteran hiker who boasted that she had never been lost or someone who knew how to read a compass and was experienced with orienteering, who would you pick? I would choose the one who knew how to read the compass and could orienteer just in case the other hiker lost his way for the first time.
Recovery is about orienteering your way back to center. Many life experiences trigger someone to lose their way in recovery. Daily frustrations, losses, disappointments, resentments, failures, etc can all spark lapses or relapses. Knowing how to find your way back to living in the center of your values is crucial.
Shame triggers lapse and relapse more than any other feeling dynamic. Learning to not beat yourself up when you go against values but to bring yourself back to your values when you engage lapse or relapse behavior is to practice a great secret in long term recovery. This skill set requires great discipline and daily conditioning and training.
7. Keeping your feet to the fire. This simple reality is so necessary to much of life experience. It certainly is true in recovery. It is a mindset. When you attend a recovery meeting you do this by openly sharing the last thing you want people to know about you. Why? It is because this is the way we grow and develop healthy intimacy. It is important to put yourself on the hot seat in group and other relational experiences. Most people will attempt to avoid the discomfort of the hot seat. Yet, those who do keep their feet to the fire will be rewarded with continued growth. Life expresses growth and development. Sometimes you will endure misperceptions by other people who will judge you or give you feedback as if you don’t know what you know. Yet, you will experience continued growth by putting yourself on the hot seat and keeping your feet to the fire in recovery.
8. Practice velvet steel. This daily practice is an essential and staple tool for recovery. Addicts tend to be velvet (gentle) where they need to be tough, and steel (tough) where they need to be velvet. Embracing this important life skill accesses the wisdom of consideration. This skill is an art form that is learned through training and practice. Knowing when to apply the strict letter of the law and when to be gentle requires ongoing application and conscious discipline. The rewards are balanced living and long-term sobriety.
9. Overcome partial truths with rigorous honesty. Addicts are great at compartmentalizing truth about behaviors. It is amazing the high-risk behaviors that addicts are able to rationalize as essential. One sex addict relates that his quandary is that on his way home after work he travels down an avenue where there is a strip club that lures him into the parking lot. He presented himself as helpless, not knowing how to resolve his high-risk problem. When it was suggested that he simply drive down a different street that would avoid temptation, he responded in surprise saying “it’s just out of my way” so I never thought about it.
Compartmentalizing behavior must be overcome with rigorous honesty. Many times addicts put themselves in harm’s way because they do not want to face the penetrating responsibility of rigorous honesty about the thoughts that are going on inside their head. As a result, addicts get stuck in living out partial truths with vague awareness of the danger that propels them toward relapse behavior. Partial truths create vague awareness about high-risk behaviors. As a result, addicts will hover around temptations that eventually will be rationalized into reality. This is where the old saying “if you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a haircut.” Rigorous honesty removes the fog of uncertainty and eliminates the breeding ground for relapse. It promotes long-term sobriety.
10. Believe that you are the leader that you have been looking for. Steps in recovery are scary propositions to consider. They are radical and require profound paradigm shifts in thought and behavior. As a result, most addicts initially approach recovery in fear and trepidation. It is understandable that in beginning recovery you look to a sponsor and others to be the guru in recovery. Certainly, in the early stages it is necessary to lean heavily upon others to show you the way. The problem is that addicts can get stuck in looking outside and not inside for guidance while navigating the difficult pathways for recovery. Most addicts are needy and tend to look to others to tell them what to do about recovery and almost anything. Yet, the truth is there is no guru: you are it. You can cultivate and maintain respect toward those who are authors, speakers, or mentors. This is the way of mutual respect. Yet, when you put those same people on a pedestal, you will become dependent and your own capacity to grow and develop becomes stunted. Believing means that what is needed in your life and in the world for you to successfully remain sober and become an influence for healing is inside your heart. Looking outside will only stifle your capacity to resource yourself. Asking for help is necessary for all in life. Relying upon others to be your wisdom and your strength will sap your own energy and creative insight to be all that your destiny calls you to be. The truth is that you are the leader that you are looking for. When you truly believe this, you will connect to your own brilliance with awareness to resource without dependence on others. This is the way toward long-term sobriety.
11. Develop a spiritual lifestyle of affirming yourself. Daily affirmations are one of the most neglected skills in the world of recovery. Addicts have learned and practiced mistaken beliefs about themselves since they were young impressionable children. These beliefs that sabotage and undermine destiny became entrenched during young impressionable stages of life. They become so embedded that if you ask an addict where or who taught you that you don’t matter or that you are not good enough, they will say it is my voice and my belief. While this is true, the origin which needs to be addressed came from primary caregivers. Addicts marry themselves to their mistaken beliefs in such a way that they become synonymous with the distorted thought. Long-term sobriety requires that these mistaken beliefs be unlearned and replaced by positive affirmative beliefs that support the transformation that yields sobriety and serenity. This can only happen through training and conditioning. It is an unheralded practice that many addicts gloss over. But, just as the athlete performing under pressure must focus on a positive belief about results with disciplined practice, so too must the recovering addict discipline thoughts that influence behavior with disciplined conditioning and training. This comes through immersing your spirit and soul with positive inspiring affirmations. You must practice bathing yourself in positive affirmations in the same way you practice hygiene. Daily or regular washing your awareness with positive affirmation is an absolute must for establishing long term sobriety. As you deepen this skill set you will discover what Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” The secret to long-term sobriety is found in the discovery of brilliance posited deep within your own heart. It is the only place you will ever find it and the only place it will ever be.
Elijah Bedrosian, LPC, SEP introduces his new Series Within A Series: After The Session – where he will be interviewing others in the Mental Health field. Coming soon!
Ancient Greek philosophers were onto something when they coined the term “the golden mean,” which posits that at one extreme lies excess, at the other deficiency, and in the middle—the only desirable option—the golden mean.
Think about it. If we regularly eat too little or too much, our health suffers. If we never exercise, or do so excessively, our bodies become burdened. If we work too hard, at the expense of play, our joy may slip away. Yet if we play too hard, at the expense of work, our resources may disappear. In the middle—where we eat, exercise, work, and play in a balanced way—we strike gold.
This concept applies to interpersonal interactions, as well. On the deficient extreme lies non-assertive behavior, which is self-denying, leads to feelings of hurt and anxiety, and allows others to get their needs met at the expense of our own.
At the excessive extreme lies aggressive behavior, which also produces poor outcomes, as it demands respect for one’s own self at the expense of respect for others, is often experienced as controlling, hurtful, and humiliating, and can be expressed either overtly—as in threatening, oppositional communication—or indirectly—such as becoming sneaky, sly, or retaliatory.
Because both extremes produce a winner (the respected party) and a loser (the disrespected party), neither approach is capable of generating sustainable, balanced, healthy relational dynamics. Ultimately, then, even the winner loses.
If we really want to win, we need to go for the gold…. assertiveness!
Assertive behavior is:
• “Self-expressive • Respectful of the rights of others • Honest • Direct and firm • Equalizing, benefitting both parties in a relationship • Both verbal (including the content of the message) and nonverbal (including the style of the message) • Positive (expressing affection, praise, appreciation) at times and negative (expressing limits, anger, criticism) at times • Appropriate for the person and situation, not universal • Socially responsible • Both inborn (elements of temperament) and learned (styles of behavior) • As persistent as is necessary to achieves one’s goals without violating the above points” (Alberti & Emmons, 2017)
We strike relational gold when we communicate with others in a way that is respectful to both sender and receiver. We strike gold when we honor our own wants, needs, rights, and values not at the expense of another, but in tandem with those of another. We hit even more gold when we express our feelings—whatever they may be—authentically and comfortably.
Whether focusing on the dimensions of health, relationships, or otherwise, avoiding the extremes of “too much” and “not enough,” in favor of the middle path, is more likely to produce sustainable, win-win outcomes. So, if you want to strike it rich in life, think like the Greeks of old and make the golden mean your goal.
Article By: Erin J. Buggy
Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th Ed.). Impact Publishers.
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