Giving gifts is a language of love and kindness. It is a vulnerable offering that requires the equal prioritization of intention and impact. When done with skill, giving and receiving co-occur for both parties, strengthening our sense of being valued and connected. Gifts, broadly defined, come in many different forms, and loosely conform, to an unstated rubric. The various types of gifts, along with the dos and don’ts of giving, get easier to identify as a relationship becomes more familiar. Even in our most intimate circles, however, it can be easy to miss the mark without some helpful guidelines.

Sleight of Hand:
It is a natural and normal tendency to use oneself as a frame of reference when attempting to understand and relate to other people in the absence of direct feedback. Albeit, when selecting a gift, this strategy is risky, and if relied on too heavily, may end up feeling to your recipient like a sleight of hand; one in which you are giving to get. This type of mistake was sardonically portrayed in a Simpson’s episode where Marge receives a bowling ball from her husband, Homer, as a birthday gift. Having waited until the last minute, Homer rushed out to find something, only to be distracted by his own interests. Consequently, Marge opened her gift to find a bowling ball that was not selected, nor designed, with her in mind. Instead, it had Homer’s name engraved on it and was manufactured for his body type. Don’t be a Homer.

Ignoring the Obvious:
When someone states honestly, clearly and directly, what they like and want, and conversely, what they don’t like and want, it’s masterful to take some thorough mental notes. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Just walk down easy street and provide the thing that they have requested. You can go a little further by putting a proverbial bow on it but realize that these kinds of gifts are not just about the thing. They are also about giving the intangible and invaluable gift of being seen, heard, and respected.

Failing to Plan…
…Is planning to fail. This isn’t always true but it’s still a good adage, and regarding our topic, has applicable merit. Typically, last minute gifts are easy to spot, and worse, they are usually wrapped in awkwardness for both the giver and the receiver. No matter how hard one tries to cover up or compensate for failing to plan, the lack of time, effort, and consideration becomes an anti-gift.

The don’ts of gift giving outlined above are clues to the dos. Do use an other-centric perspective. Do be attentive to the preferences of your recipient. And do engage in pre-planning.

In addition, I offer the following three tips for gifting with awareness.

Tip #1: Remember that some of the best gifts, don’t cost a dime.

A warm smile, a caring hug, and an attentive massage are all priceless ways to provide the gift of touch. Quality time, which is time plus undivided attention, is one of the most generous equations for making someone feel how much they matter. Acts of service are also highly valued, especially by those overwhelmed by life’s demands. Last, in this cost-effective category, are the things we say and the ways we say them, which can be verbal packages of care, that uplift and strengthen, when sent and delivered with heartfelt generosity.

Tip #2: Don’t underestimate the gift of yum.

In most cultures, food is love. Buying someone much needed groceries, making them a home-cooked meal, ordering in, taking them out, or presenting their favorite treat, all provide nourishment for body, mind, and soul. So, going this route is often a sure bet.

Tip #3: Have the courage to be creative.

Within the category of things purchased lies the element of consumerism. As such, we can fall into the trap of buying flowers and jewelry, gift cards, or beer socks, which may, or may not, be stuff that lands as powerfully as something crafted from a place within your heart. Creative giving engages both the giver and receiver in something unique and personalized, thus challenging our tendencies to assume prescribed roles in favor of being more deeply relational.

Gift giving improves mental health by activating areas in the brain associated with pleasure and by strengthening social connections. While science backs this up with hard evidence, most of us do not need to read the research. The felt experience of giving a gift that is well received, or receiving a gift that is given well, is proof enough. So, if you’ve been feeling disconnected or simply want to enhance the quality of your relationship with another, try the practice of gifting with awareness as an effective way to improve personal and relational wellness.

Juneteenth’s history began on June 19, 1865. The executive order known as the emancipation proclamation was issued approximately two years prior. However, it was not implemented in places still under Confederate control. Texas was the final holdout. Not until nearly two years later on June 19, 1865 when Union troops arrived and announced that the state’s 250,000 plus slaves were finally free was it fully realized. Juneteenth has long since been celebrated in the African American community and serves as our country’s second Independence Day. Juneteenth finally became a federal holiday in 2021. Sadly, what should be an uncontroversial day of pause, reflection, and celebration has instead become entangled in controversy and political tension.

I grew up in a diverse pocket of Southern California which mimicked the diversity in my own family of origin. My family was riddled with racial tensions and at times outright racism. My earliest recognition of this was as a very young child. I was playing at the park with my African American grandfather and he was chasing me. Someone confronted him for chasing a seemingly white child and was ultimately dumbfounded to discover he was my grandfather. My grandfather did not bother to explain he was not my biological grandfather which from my perspective today was wise. Better to let them wrestle with why diversity was so difficult to grasp. It was also comforting to me as a child to know that he saw me as his own given the chaos of my childhood. He was and still is the only positive male role model in my life. In fact, I did not just want to be like him I wanted to look like him. Partly because of who he was to me and partly because I wondered if then the stares and comments would stop.

He passed away when I was young, but the tensions did not end in my family nor in the world. In fact, of late things feel particularly tense. It is difficult to find the right words and in today’s climate it may feel best to not say anything at all. It is too important, however, to stay silent. We must process the pain and anger collectively to pave the way for healing and forgiveness. 

Here at PCS we are constantly encouraging clients to sit in their pool of pain, fall apart, and get messy. The anger is always an important part we constantly encourage clients to not pass by or blow through too quickly. Many of us received very pointed and damaging messages about how bad anger is and maybe painful demonstrations of unchecked anger. Some well-meaning people would even say it’s not a primary emotion which just diminishes its value and importance. It is important to slow down and really sit with anger. Wielded properly our anger can serve to protect us individually and as a society going forward. So, while it is not an easy prescription and might feel overly simplistic to such a huge wound it is the beginning path to of healing and forgiveness.  

I hope wherever you are, whatever your background, whatever your story is you take an active role in this healing process. I hope you bravely step into this difficult space of processing generations of abuse and hold space for yours and others anger toward this atrocity in our nation’s history. 

Introduction to Emotional Transformation Therapy

Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT), founded by Dr. Steven Vazquez, is a treatment modality designed to provide emotional healing using color and light. Various psychological and neuroscientific principles are combined to address unresolved emotional pain by accessing our subconscious, changing neuropathways/neural impulses, and increasing the movement towards clarity, empowerment, and decreased distress. There are multiple modalities within ETT that can be incorporated into treatment. 

Understanding the Foundations

The Role of Emotions

Emotions are those lovely things that we tend to compartmentalize, minimize, have difficulty navigating, and sometimes create a sense of overwhelm. We are taught different kinds of expectations from a young age about how emotions should/should not be expressed, felt, and managed.  Sometimes we are taught that certain emotions provide us with the opportunity to get our needs met, whether that be positive or not so much. ETT targets emotions, moves towards resolution of emotional blockage, and improves healthy emotional expression through the reparenting of our brain. 

How ETT Works

ETT utilizes specialized tools involving light and color exposure (spectral chart, goggles, wands, light device), to stimulate neural pathways that are connected to our experiences. Combining those tools with guided therapeutic exploration, ETT works to move stuck emotions from the Amygdala into our emotional processing/regulating center, the Hippocampus. This improves one’s window of tolerance and emotional congruence. 

Applications of Emotional Transformation Therapy

ETT has been shown to be effective with various conditions and issues that include, but are not limited to, the following:

*Trauma

*Anxiety

*Depression

*Obsessions

*Compulsions

*Addictions

*Physical aliments

*ADHD/ADD

*Mood fluctuations

*Sleep disturbances

*Phobias

*Relationships

*Decision making

*Etc.

Benefits of Emotional Transformation Therapy

Holistic Healing

ETT addresses the entire person and is not invasive. As our physical, emotional, and mental ailments tend to be intermingled ETT not only targets what is known but also what is unknown. 

Empowerment and Self-Awareness

Emotional transformation allows for a greater sense of Self and Self-awareness.  With knowledge increases empowerment and confidence. 

Accessibility and Adaptability

ETT is not only adaptable to various settings but is also accessible to individuals and couples.  If you experience color blindness, ETT can still be effective. 

Challenges and Considerations

ETT is not without limitations. Some individuals may need additional support to improve navigation and maintenance. Unfortunately, the availability of trained ETT practitioners may be limited in some regions.  Thankfully, PCS has multiple ETT certified practitioners on staff. Although ETT is an amazing tool, personal preference may be a deciding factor to change into another modality.  Unfortunately, there is no magic wand that will “fix” everything, therefore approaching ETT as a layer to your journey is important. 

Resources

If self-education is your jam, below are some resources to further explore the topic of ETT. 

ETT Training – Emotional Transformation Therapy

Emotional Transformation Therapy: An Interactive Ecological Psychotherapy 

by Steven R. Vazquez

Okay, I know I am going to sound old and cranky here, but I can’t help but notice how loud most restaurants are these days. I love going out to eat with friends and family. I love trying new foods and breaking bread with those I love. I love slowing down over a meal and having a chance to visit for an extended time with people as a break from our busy lives. Eating out has gotten more expensive, but I still like the idea of trying new places and as much as I like cooking, it’s nice to have the option of focusing on the food and the togetherness more than the preparation and clean up.

However, in the past year at least, I have been having a harder and harder time coming up with ideas for places I can go with others and actually be able to HEAR them while we are together. If I am out with a small group, I generally resign myself to knowing that I will really only be able to exchange words with those immediately next to me. Sometimes, the experience leaves me feeling like I miss those I saw but couldn’t talk with even more than if I hadn’t seen them at all.

I looked up some articles online and saw that restauranteurs want a certain level of excitement and ambience in their spaces so that it feels like their establishment is a fun place to gather. I can appreciate that, and I love the cozy feel of background music and warm chatter. But the music has gotten louder and there is less emphasis on sound dampening in dining rooms, in favor of enhancing the party vibe. Could it be that this is part of the societal shift to create places for hip social media posts with vibrant selfies and exotic food photos, and a movement away from deeper connection with those around us?
I don’t think there is a restaurant conspiracy afoot, but I do think we need to be mindful of the way our recent culture has encouraged us to be together without really BEING together. There are times for loud parties and times for quieter gatherings, and I would love to still be able to have these quieter gatherings in public dining spaces. Humans are social animals and connection nourishes and heals us. The ability to co-regulate with each other over relaxed meals and calm exchanges is scientifically proven to be good for our bodies. So let’s be sure to be intentional about making time for these opportunities and find, ask for, or even create spaces to make this happen. Thanks for considering this and allowing me space for my middle-aged rant!

When I was on my mindful walk last week in the 102° weather, I became acutely aware of how sad I will be to stop going on these walks. Summers in Arizona are tough. The intense heat drains the energy out of many of life’s usual rhythms—even something as simple and cherished as going for a walk. I noticed myself grieving something I’ve come to deeply love: my mindful walks.

These walks aren’t about getting steps in or checking something off a to-do list. Once a week, I walk the same route with no music, no podcast, no dog, no AirPods—just me. It’s a 30-minute journey that becomes a moving journal entry, a quiet conversation with myself. Instead of moving through my neighborhood on autopilot, I slow down. I notice the small things: the soft pink of a new flower, the subtle shift in the shape of the clouds, the buzz of restaurant patios filled with laughter and clinking glasses. But the awareness doesn’t stop at what’s outside. It turns inward. Without distractions, I become aware of what’s moving through me—anxiety, gratitude, grief, fatigue. I meet those parts of myself gently, without needing to fix or rush past them.

Here’s the thing that struck me on that hot day: This presence is always available to me. That perspective shift is at the heart of mindfulness. As Jon Kabat-Zinn describes, mindfulness is “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Mindfulness helps lower anxiety, improves focus, supports emotional regulation, and can even reduce symptoms of depression. It’s not a quick fix, but rather a practice that gently strengthens our ability to return to ourselves. That means I don’t need a perfect setting—or ideal weather—to be present. I just need to notice. Yes, it’s natural to feel resistance or even grief when something meaningful changes. I still feel a longing for the simple joy of those walks.

But now I ask myself: Can I notice the heat with the same curiosity I offer a blooming flower? Can I tune in to what this season—literal and emotional—is inviting me to pay attention to? Even indoors, I can find moments to return to the present. The sound of water as I wash dishes, the warmth of a coffee mug in my hands, the pit in my stomach before seeing a long-lost friend, the steady rhythm of my breath. Mindfulness doesn’t erase discomfort. It invites us to sit with it. To breathe with it. To listen to what it’s trying to tell us. Even if I can’t walk outside this summer, I can walk inward. I can return to the present moment, wherever I am.

This morning, as I drove to work, I found myself deeply moved by an audiobook recommended by a friend: “The Amen Effect” by Sharon Brous. In the opening chapters, she reflects on her grandmother’s powerful rule about the importance of showing up—not just during moments of joy, but also in times of sorrow. Her words resonated with me, reminding me of a lesson I learned from my mom.
I vividly recall the weeks leading up to my wedding when my mom reached out to friends who had expressed their regrets about attending, citing the challenges of traveling from Boston to Arizona during a busy work season. She was direct and clear about her feelings: “If you would show up for my funeral, then you should show up for my celebration; don’t just show up when I’m dead.” Her words must have resonated, as her friends quickly changed their RSVPs and booked their flights.

Listening to Sharon recount her own experience, I felt a wave of emotion, I makeup at least in part because my mom is no longer alive. She passed away only five years after my wedding, far too early, and her funeral was one of the largest gatherings I have ever attended. On that day, there was no doubt that people showed up—including those wedding guests I mentioned.

In my work as a therapist, the concept of showing up—especially during challenging times of grief, sadness, and hurt—is fundamental to fostering empathy. I often share a metaphor with those I work with: when your partner, friend, or family member is in pain, imagine they are adrift in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean. While you may have done the hard work to make it to dry land, or maybe you’ve been there all along, it can feel like you’re standing on the shore, looking out at them and saying, “Come on! It’s so much better over here! Join me! I’m even happy to help you do the hard work of getting ashore. What I can’t do, however, is get into that boat with you—especially if I was the one who put you there in the first place. Why? Well, your hurt, your pain, your discomfort, is just too much for me to handle.” While undoubtedly challenging, it is important to understand that ultimately, what we need as human beings in times of hardship, as much as in times of happiness, is someone to show up, and not by fixing the problem or making it go away. Showing up means swimming out to that boat and being willing to stay there for as long as it takes for our loved ones to be ready to come out themselves. It’s about laughing, crying, and screaming together, ensuring they don’t have to shoulder their burdens alone.

As I sat in my car this morning, tears streaming down my face, I was tempted to turn off the audiobook—a literal attempt to turn down the volume of my own grief. But as I reached for the pause button, I considered the importance of not just showing up for others, but also for myself. Slowly, I lowered my hand and made my choice. Instead of abandoning myself in that moment of sadness, I chose to consider my need for someone to show up and decided to come alongside of myself.

I was always drawn to kaleidoscopes growing up…being able to look through and see colorful patterns shifting and changing could mesmerize me at a moment’s notice. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m drawn to symbols and metaphors in my own life. I use them to ground myself and articulate meaning. In fact, within arm’s reach on my desk at home sits a small wooden bowl that holds various treasures I’ve collected over the years…there’s a marble doorknob from my immigrant ancestor’s home, a ginkgo leaf from a recent trip, stones from a well in Ireland…a variety of valued items that speak to me in a way words just can’t.  

As my own path started shifting back in 2018 when I began my coaching work in a corporate setting, I often used the symbol of a prism to think about my work. As a person who innately appreciates the uniqueness of people, I was interested in the different sides and perspectives clients offered. I thought about our work exploring like a prism, using multiple facets to refract light and produce an array of beautiful colors. Uncovering potential was such a highlight of this work together. 

My time here at PCS has offered me a new perspective on my work. I have grown to appreciate the symbol of a mirror in our work here. At its most basic, a mirror reflects back a single image. And we say a lot in how we think about and describe that reflection when we look at ourselves in a mirror, don’t we? I’ve seen the power of mirror work here and learned how those reflections can deepen our own sense of identity. And yet the symbol of the mirror is useful too as a tool. Our role as therapists, in effect, is to offer a second mirror for our clients in the questions we ask and things we notice. As we work together, we can use that mirror to offer different angles, unlocking perspectives and reflections kept hidden or previously unexplored. And I’m drawn to how these new reflections of self change the stories we tell ourselves about our past, our present, and our future. So next time you stop at a mirror to check for a hair out of place, smile and take a moment to honor the beauty and uniqueness of you, appreciating the depth of the image you see reflected back.

At any given moment in time, your senses are bombarded with a vast amount of data. To effectively filter and prioritize what you pay attention to – or orient toward – you must, therefore, select some environmental cues to the exclusion of others. This process is correlated with your internal state, and thus, an important aspect of self-regulation and the maintenance of mental health. 

All mammals, including humans, have a reflexive instinct to orient toward novel stimuli so that safety can be quickly determined: a loud noise, the sudden presence of a stranger, odd smells, physical pain, or an unexpected touch can all but demand instantaneous and focused attention. Once safety has been assessed and confirmed, this involuntary orienting reflex yields more readily to conscious choice, potentiating greater agency. Over the course of your life experiences, the polarity between the orienting instinct versus the orienting response intersect to create a range of habitual patterns that subconsciously drive how you pay attention. 

To better understand the relationship between your internal state and your orientation, try the following experiential exercise: 

1. Figuratively step into your observing mind and begin looking at your immediate surroundings through that mindful lens. 
2. Now, pick something in your environment that elicits a pleasant internal state. Perhaps a sunset, your beloved pet, a soft blanket, or the smell of a good meal. Linger there for as long as you reasonably can. 
3. When you are ready, shift your focus. This time, orient toward something that is mildly unpleasant. Perhaps your to-do list, traffic, a stain on the carpet, or a smelly trash can. Linger there for as long as you reasonably can. 
4. Lastly, return your focus back to something pleasant and note the impact on your internal state. 
5. Come back to your thinking/analyzing mind and reflect on your experience. 
6. For the remainder of the day, take note of the relationship between your internal state and what you are oriented to, jotting down any personally meaningful insights along the way. 

Studying your own habitual orienting patterns is a valuable skill for improving your overall well-being and fostering a more enjoyable existence. This is because your orienting habits, like most other conditioned patterns of behavior, are often directly related to past trauma or attachment deficits. Habits do not easily update by their own accord, especially if they are connected to our survival instincts. It is not uncommon, for example, to predominantly orient to potential threats while driving in the wake of an automotive accident. If, however, sufficient time has passed and these orienting patterns remain, hypervigilance, stress, and fear may also become coupled with the act of driving, making the experience aversive, even when conditions are favorable for safe and comfortable travel. In essence, learned coping strategies that originated from past trauma, or relationship wounds, can keep you oriented to reminders of the past even when circumstances have changed. 

An important part of healing, therefore, involves becoming curious about, and mindfully aware of, how you pay attention. It is one of the first steps you can take toward gaining a greater sense of competence, empowerment, and life satisfaction after adversity. Then you can choose, with intention and purpose, to change your orienting habits toward what feels “good” or “safe,” instead of what feels “bad” or “unsafe.” This will allow for different responses and meanings to emerge, while cultivating new and updated patterns, thus paving the way for a shift in how you experience the world around you.

References:

Ogden, P., Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

I have typically not embraced the New Year as a significant transition point. I enjoy the year in review summaries to reminisce on the prior year events but not found the motivation or purpose in setting goals for the year. Goal setting has always been an ongoing process for me, an ongoing evolution of direction. While friends who create vision boards or thoughtfully create goals for the year have always been impressive to me, it has never inspired me to do so, it just never fit.

While this past year has not generated the motivation to set goals for 2025, it did gain my attention. There have been significant losses, medical issues, and no small amount of anxiety producing situations. As a result, 2024 is one I am looking forward to putting behind me. Yet, here I sit into the first few weeks of January feeling some of the same feelings of last year – overwhelm and discouragement. Perhaps my dismissal of punctuating the New Year is not serving me well, or this is a reminder the idea of simply leaving the past behind is not reasonable.

Although I would dearly love to leave the year behind and move into a glorious new year, the one we call 2025, the first two weeks are not promising indicators. I decided to try something different this year, the art of reflection. For some of you who already practice this skill, congratulations. Reflecting on my losses, I realize I have made new friends and deepened existing friendships. Medical crises have led me to slow and focus on the needs of those I most love. The inability to resolve the anxiety provided an invitation to greater embrace the concept of powerlessness. For someone who is accustomed to accomplishing what he sets his mind to, the latter has proven most helpful in calming my soul.

You may ask how reflection impacts my overwhelm and discouragement? Well, on one hand it certainly has not absolved me of those feelings. On the other hand, I notice the learning over this past year helps me engage life with more patience and understanding, greater self-compassion and compassion for others, and equally important a sense of hope in acknowledging even the most difficult circumstances offer profound opportunity for personal growth and connecting with those around us.

A new year is something that begins with creating resolutions, goals for the future, and brings a renewed sense of energy and motivation. One consistency through each new year that I have observed, is the idea on everyone’s mind: “What can change look like for me this year?”. Desired change is something that feels exciting and hopeful. These goals are often set with the best intentions and the aspirations to be even greater than you were last year. Unexpected change often creates a different outcome, mentally, behaviorally, and emotionally. When change is unexpected it tends to create stress, overwhelm, pressure, and hardship. The ways in which we handle that unexpected change is essential to developing a stronger sense of well-being.

At the start of 2024, I had expectations and a set plan for what my year would have looked like. As I moved through the year, there were many unexpected changes that brought adversity, grief, challenge, and created a different outcome than what I had expected. The more shifts that occurred throughout my year, the more I found myself judging where I was versus where I had wanted to be. I became caught up with how my reality was so different from my expectations. I found myself focusing on my “shortcomings”, instead of on all of the great things that I had learned about myself, and appreciating the resilience it took to get through the pain that this past year brought me.

When a person has focused so much on the expectations they’ve set for them self, there is unnecessary pressure put on the goal or outcome they had in mind. There is a tendency, as humans, to focus on what wasn’t achieved, instead of acknowledging the strength that it took to overcome the barriers that got in the way of achieving the set goal.

The biggest lesson I learned in 2024 is: what will be, will be. Change is not always expected or hoped for, but it is something that happens in life. The most important reminder that we can give ourselves is that change can bring incredible knowledge about how resilient we are, what our capabilities can be, and allows us to develop a deeper understanding of Self. I now know, I am able to embrace all of the unexpected change that the New Year may bring, and can understand the ways in which to acknowledge my strength, instead of focusing on what may not have been achieved.