Giving gifts is a language of love and kindness. It is a vulnerable offering that requires the equal prioritization of intention and impact. When done with skill, giving and receiving co-occur for both parties, strengthening our sense of being valued and connected. Gifts, broadly defined, come in many different forms, and loosely conform, to an unstated rubric. The various types of gifts, along with the dos and don’ts of giving, get easier to identify as a relationship becomes more familiar. Even in our most intimate circles, however, it can be easy to miss the mark without some helpful guidelines.
Sleight of Hand:
It is a natural and normal tendency to use oneself as a frame of reference when attempting to understand and relate to other people in the absence of direct feedback. Albeit, when selecting a gift, this strategy is risky, and if relied on too heavily, may end up feeling to your recipient like a sleight of hand; one in which you are giving to get. This type of mistake was sardonically portrayed in a Simpson’s episode where Marge receives a bowling ball from her husband, Homer, as a birthday gift. Having waited until the last minute, Homer rushed out to find something, only to be distracted by his own interests. Consequently, Marge opened her gift to find a bowling ball that was not selected, nor designed, with her in mind. Instead, it had Homer’s name engraved on it and was manufactured for his body type. Don’t be a Homer.
Ignoring the Obvious:
When someone states honestly, clearly and directly, what they like and want, and conversely, what they don’t like and want, it’s masterful to take some thorough mental notes. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Just walk down easy street and provide the thing that they have requested. You can go a little further by putting a proverbial bow on it but realize that these kinds of gifts are not just about the thing. They are also about giving the intangible and invaluable gift of being seen, heard, and respected.
Failing to Plan…
…Is planning to fail. This isn’t always true but it’s still a good adage, and regarding our topic, has applicable merit. Typically, last minute gifts are easy to spot, and worse, they are usually wrapped in awkwardness for both the giver and the receiver. No matter how hard one tries to cover up or compensate for failing to plan, the lack of time, effort, and consideration becomes an anti-gift.
The don’ts of gift giving outlined above are clues to the dos. Do use an other-centric perspective. Do be attentive to the preferences of your recipient. And do engage in pre-planning.
In addition, I offer the following three tips for gifting with awareness.
Tip #1: Remember that some of the best gifts, don’t cost a dime.
A warm smile, a caring hug, and an attentive massage are all priceless ways to provide the gift of touch. Quality time, which is time plus undivided attention, is one of the most generous equations for making someone feel how much they matter. Acts of service are also highly valued, especially by those overwhelmed by life’s demands. Last, in this cost-effective category, are the things we say and the ways we say them, which can be verbal packages of care, that uplift and strengthen, when sent and delivered with heartfelt generosity.
Tip #2: Don’t underestimate the gift of yum.
In most cultures, food is love. Buying someone much needed groceries, making them a home-cooked meal, ordering in, taking them out, or presenting their favorite treat, all provide nourishment for body, mind, and soul. So, going this route is often a sure bet.
Tip #3: Have the courage to be creative.
Within the category of things purchased lies the element of consumerism. As such, we can fall into the trap of buying flowers and jewelry, gift cards, or beer socks, which may, or may not, be stuff that lands as powerfully as something crafted from a place within your heart. Creative giving engages both the giver and receiver in something unique and personalized, thus challenging our tendencies to assume prescribed roles in favor of being more deeply relational.
Gift giving improves mental health by activating areas in the brain associated with pleasure and by strengthening social connections. While science backs this up with hard evidence, most of us do not need to read the research. The felt experience of giving a gift that is well received, or receiving a gift that is given well, is proof enough. So, if you’ve been feeling disconnected or simply want to enhance the quality of your relationship with another, try the practice of gifting with awareness as an effective way to improve personal and relational wellness.