There are moments when you feel securely tethered to the truth. These are the times when you are more confident in your knowledge about how the world works and how to best move through it. Within this mental comfort zone, your stress response is diminished, and your social engagement system becomes more active. This felt sense of internal security thus motivates calculated risk. However, as you begin moving toward your desired goal, subjective and objective realms begin to collide in new and unfamiliar ways, challenging perception and generating different choice points along the way. In these moments, when certainty becomes less certain, what is your habitual response pattern?

According to cognitive psychology, every brain is pre-wired to engage in logical fallacies, heuristics, and mental biases. These are ubiquitous thinking patterns that, in certain circumstances, enhance your ability to cope effectively with the complex and dynamic world around you. Under less ideal circumstances, these same patterns lead to cognitive errors with wide-ranging consequences. To illustrate this point, let’s consider the confirmation bias as one example.

The neuroscience of belief teaches that, “Once beliefs are formed, the brain begins to look for and find confirmatory evidence in support of those beliefs [while simultaneously ignoring evidence against those beliefs], which adds an emotional boost of further confidence in the beliefs and thereby accelerates the process of reinforcing them, and round and round the process goes in a positive feedback loop of belief confirmation” (Shermer, 2011, p. 5). This dizzying definition explains why, when we are thinking about buying a particular make of a new vehicle, we suddenly notice that vehicle everywhere. It helps to explain why stereotypes persist and why placebos and algorithms work. It’s why we tend to think a referee made a good call if it’s in favor of our team, and a bad call, if it’s in favor of the opposition. Simply stated, the confirmation bias is perception through a filter (McRaney, 2011).

The trouble with the confirmation bias is that it hinders an ontological exploration of facts and blinds us to possibility. In the following excerpt, Terry Pratchett (2000), through the character Lord Vetinari from his fantasy novel, The Truth, makes this point more artistically:  

Be careful. People like to be told what they already know. Remember that. They get uncomfortable when you tell them new things. New things … well, new things aren’t what they expect. They like to know that, say, a dog will bite a man. That is what dogs do. They don’t want to know that man bites a dog, because the world is not supposed to happen like that. In short, what people think they want is news, but what they really crave is olds … Not news but olds, telling people that what they think they already know is true. (p. 99)

It’s perplexing and humbling to think that within the neurological mush inside our skull lies a vast network of circuitry for self-deception, but it’s true. Our worldview is, in part, a product of erroneous cognitive procedures designed to maximize individual survival, not veracity. To make matters worse, humans enter this world as babies, with a long developmental road ahead.

Babies and children, by nature, are egocentric and concrete thinkers (Wadsworth, 2003). Consequently, the mental maps they form about themselves, and the world they live in, are also self-regarding and literal. As you know, you were once a child, indicating that you historically made meaning out of your own experiences, in similar ways. Fortunately, you eventually made it to adulthood, where your cognitive abilities became more sophisticated and abstract due to neural maturation. Nevertheless, much of what you concluded as a child, has remained preserved in your nervous system as implicit knowledge. This knowledge is stored in the form of generalized beliefs, along with the emotional and sensory components of memory. 

These early beliefs, combined with logical fallacies, heuristics, and mental biases, can result in an interesting array of behavioral trajectories. In the absence of metacognition, these behavioral trajectories gain momentum and become repetitive patterns bound by inertia. For this reason, feeling stuck, as if walking up a downward moving escalator, is a common human experience. So, in those moments when certainty becomes less certain, practice the pause and get curious about the thoughts priming your trajectory. Try using the sentence stem, “The story I tell myself…” to gain more objectivity. From there, begin to question your assumptions, identify the beliefs that shape the premise of your conclusion, fact check your data, and recognize how perspective informs individual opinion. Try pivoting to something new, novel, and unautomated. And don’t stop at your intellect. Invite emotion and body-based sensation into the change equation. “To capitalize on the body in therapy calls for a shift in emphasis from conversation to mindful exploration; from a sole focus on emotions and thoughts to the inclusion of body sensation, posture, and movement; from discussing new possibilities to experimenting with new actions” (Ogden, 2015, p. 53).

Change is, by and large, antithetical to our survival instincts. It takes a willingness to get uncomfortable. To slow time, engage in a process of introspection, and to risk the unknown. So be patient with yourself, and with one another, whenever you feel trapped on that proverbial escalator. As Shakespeare so wisely stated, “How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees? Thou know’st we work by wit and not by witchcraft, And wit depends on dilatory time.”

References

McRaney, D. (2011). You are not so smart. Penguin Group, Inc.

Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

Pratchett, T. (2000). The truth: A novel of Discworld. HarperCollins.

Shermer, M. (2011). The believing brain. Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

Wadsworth, B. J., (2003). Piaget’s theory of cognitive and affective development: Foundations of Constructivism (5^th ed.). Pearson College Div.

In the musical “Hamilton” the phrase “I am not throwing away my shot” references the concept of wasting an opportunity.  I think all of us can relate with the idea, particularly when we go into ‘coulda woulda shoulda’ thinking as we rehash historical content with the means to shame, blame, and/or revalidate negative cognitions.  We “should” on ourselves a great deal, unfortunately. 

As humans, we have a tendency to avoid things that make us uncomfortable.  Fearing rejection so I do not put my application in for a promotion because I will not get it anyway.  Wearing a “Funny Guy” mask to gain attention because if I make them laugh then they will like me. Utilizing work as a means to distance myself from home because there is too much chaos there. Intentionally withdrawing my affection because they angered me, rather than resolving the conflict and speaking my truth.  We all wear masks and have protective parts that attempt to keep us safe and comfortable.  So when it comes to wasting an opportunity we also get to ask ourselves, “Is this my personal expectation or an expectation that was put on me” and also “Why am I afraid of throwing away my shot?”

Identifying our protective parts and following the line to what wound/negative thought/emotion they are attempting to keep us away from can provide us with a better understanding of Self as well as identify when various parts are driving our bus.  Determining the motivation behind the drive of not wasting our shot can also help to decide how much emphasis, time, and energy we are putting forth to ensure we grasp that opportunity.  I challenge each of us to identify those “wasted” opportunities and move towards giving our self grace and healing. The drive to “not give up my shot” became an obsession with Hamilton, which not only negatively impacted him but also caused a ripple effect with everyone and everything in the general vicinity. Finding the healthy balance while grasping hold of opportunities is important.  Moving away from thoughts about never being good enough and towards the concept of picking up healthy opportunities of my choice.  It is very possible to take hold of opportunities without allowing it to totally consume you.

On a side note:  Hamilton is an amazing musical (and movie) that I highly recommend, not only to observe the previously discussed concepts but to also provide historical content. Plus the music in and of itself is utterly genius.   

Mirror neurons biologically help explain the idea that “individuals attune to one another and represent themselves in and through each other” (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018, p. 25). The idea we are mirrors of one another and can deeply know and understand ourselves through connection is not a new idea but one that psychological science is slowly catching up to.

Attachment theorists and neuroscientists recognize that interactions with our nurturing person or people are responsible for establishing the physiological structure of our limbic and cortical regions early on in life (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018). Through these early relationships we gain templates about how to anticipate the world, how to perceive it and of our own value within it. Early on we encode these memories implicitly through “bodily sensations, behavioral impulses, and emotional surges.” (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018, p. 4).

The limbic system, our emotional brain, slowly strengthens connections through socialization with our middle prefrontal cortex most significantly until age 25 (Majeski, 2007, p. 432). The middle prefrontal cortex helps make up “our sense of self, attachment to others, our emotional regulation and overall brain integration” (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018, p. 4).  These early pathways can understandably develop in unhelpful ways given stressful, traumatic, and painful environments growing up. We inevitably learn unhelpful ideas about ourselves and the world as we go through life.

Group therapy offers a fertile space to helpfully rewire these connections in a healthier more adaptive way through feelings of safety, validation, and being seen and heard by others. The goal of group therapy is to create a space where these early templates can rewire, co-regulate, and form new healthier pathways of connection. Treating an individual is great and adding a sense of community and attunement with others multiplies the healing of being seen and heard. It speaks to our innate human desire for a sense of belonging and connection. Many collectivistic cultures have already intuitively known of this mirroring and strengthening of self through connection. An indigenous epistemology beautifully demonstrates this concept stating “Lak’ech In Lak’ech.” In other words “you are my other me.” This is something we must feel, experience and live as a value in order to know, something we sometimes miss out on in our own Western individualistic way of being. 

References:

Gantt, S. P., & Badenoch, B. (Eds.). (2018). The interpersonal neurobiology of group psychotherapy and group process. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429482120

Majeski, R. A. (2007). The Life Span: Human Development for Helping Professionals (2nd Ed.): A Review of: “By Patricia Broderick and Pamela Blewitt Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall ©2006 608 pages. ISBN: 0-1317-0684-5” Taylor & Francis Group. https://doi.org/10.1080/03601270701411098

CU Boulder school of Education (2018, November 30^th). In Lak’ech: You Are My Other Me — Magnolia Landa-Posas. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUzhbJKLfuE

It seems obvious, right? Of course, we always get consent from others before we are sexual with them. It just comes naturally, right? Sadly, all too often the answer is no. From college campuses to our own private bedrooms, consent before sex is too often overlooked, ignored, or exploited. We can’t talk about healthy sexuality without broadly considering the concept of sexual consent. This is critical for all of us.

That’s because sexual contact without consent amounts to sexual assault, sexual violence, or rape.  Today, there is a worldwide epidemic of sexual assault. We live in a true Rape Culture where sexual violence and abuse is normalized, played down, accepted, excused, laughed off, and not challenged enough by our communities. Rape culture exists and persists especially because our society, with its entrenched patriarchy, regards women as less important than men– essentially less deserving of respect and power—and encourages men to objectify and hyper-sexualize women. We can see the normalization of sexual violence and abuse against women in popular music, TV shows, and films that glamorize the disregard of women’s boundaries and the need for sexual consent, and in the prevalence of violent pornography.

Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Consent involves letting your partner(s) know what you want and don’t want. Consent is about respecting your partner, creating safety, and allowing for pleasure and romance. We must all do our part to obtain consent with every sexual encounter and, importantly, to teach these principles to our children.

What is Sexual Consent?

Consent is about communication. Sexual consent is a clear, freely given, reversible, enthusiastic, and specific agreement between people to have sexual contact with each other. Consent should happen every time and for every type of sexual activity.  Consent is never implied or assumed; it is unambiguous and overt. Agreeing to kiss someone does not give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past does not give that person permission to have sex with you again. Consent should be clear, overt, and unequivocal. A verbal expression of consent helps both partners understand and respect each other’s boundaries and expectations.  Fundamentally, sexual consent involves a clearly stated “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.” Today, the principles of consent apply to online sexual activity as well as to in-person activity. Consent should precede any sexual contact—there should be no question or mystery.

What is Sexual Contact?

Sexual Contact includes (but is not limited to) any of these behaviors:

• Touching, kissing, fondling (whether over or under clothing) of a person for the purpose of sexual gratification.
• Vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, oral sex, manual sex.
• Any contact, however slight, between the mouth, genitals, or anus of one individual with that of another.
• Sexual contact includes touch and penetration using toys or objects.

You can change your mind at any time

Sexual consent can be withdrawn any time a person feels uncomfortable. “Stop” means stop immediately, even if you’ve done it before together, and even if you are both naked in bed. The best way to ensure that all parties are still in agreement with what is going on is to talk about it, check in with each other periodically, and make sure everyone consents before sexual activity is escalated or changed. You have final say over what happens to your body.

What does consent look like?

• Confirming that there is mutual interest before initiating any touch.
• Asking permission before changing the type of sexual activity with questions like “Is this OK?”
• Letting your partner know that they can stop at any time.
• Periodically checking in with your partner, “Is this still okay?”
• Providing positive feedback when you are comfortable with an activity.
• Providing explicit agreement to certain activities by saying “yes” or “I’m okay with that.”

What sexual consent is NOT

While the concept of freely given consent is fairly straight forward, it is worth being very specific about what does not constitute consent. Remember, sexuality without consent is sexual assault. Despite what may be portrayed in the media and elsewhere, sexual consent is NOT:

• Ignoring or refusing to accept “no.”
• Assuming that wearing provocative clothing, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more.
• The use of force, physical violence, intimidation, or threats to gain sexual access to another individual.
• The use of coercion (unreasonable pressure) for sexual activity. Coercion is more than efforts to persuade, entice, or attract another person to have sex; coercion wrongfully impairs an individual’s freedom to choose whether or not to be sexual. Hearing a ‘yes” from a person who is being bullied, forced, or exploited does not mean that they actually consent.
• Being sexual with a person who is incapacitated – unable to make rational, reasonable decisions because they have mental or physical disability, are asleep, unconscious, intoxicated, drugged, or unaware of what is happening to them. A person may be incapacitated due to consumption of alcohol or other drugs.
• Lack of a “no” or “stop” or protest in any form does NOT constitute consent. Silence or passivity do NOT constitute consent. Lack of resistance does NOT constitute consent.
• Consent for one form of sexual activity does NOT constitute consent for other forms of sexual activity. Consent during a prior sexual episode does NOT constitute consent to future sexual activity.
• Oneself being impaired by alcohol or other drugs is NOT a defense against any violation of the principle of consent. The only person to blame for sexual assault is the perpetrator.
• Physiological arousal (erection, lubrication, orgasm) are involuntary and do NOT imply consent. The body may get visibly aroused even when a person clearly does not want to be sexual.
• Sexual contact by an adult with underage individuals is inherently non-consensual, illegal, and may lead to prison and being registered as a sex offender. The age of consent varies in different parts of the US and across the world.
• Consent to intercourse does NOT give permission to remove a condom during sex (a practice known as “stealthing.”)
• Sending explicit images or messages to another person online without first asking permission is a violation of “digital consent.”

Sex without consent is invasive, intrusive, and a violation of our intrinsic right to freely choose what we do with our bodies. Without consent, any kind of sexual activity is sexual violence. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect, clear boundaries, and freely offered consent. It’s time to get everyone on the same page about consent. Talk about it to your partners. And, please, talk about it with your children. Let’s make this a sexually safer world.

If you’ve experienced sexual assault, you’re not alone. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

When I had my son, my first instinct was to protect him from everything so he would never have to feel loss or pain or worry.  I think a lot of us feel this way, and it is certainly our responsibility to fiercely and attentively protect very young children.  But faster than we can imagine, they grow and take on increasing independence in the world.  We can either facilitate this or impede it, and finding the balance between our responsibility to protect and our responsibility to grow our children is one of the hardest paths of parenthood. 

Many of you will have heard the term “helicopter parent,” referring to the type of parent who hovers closely, with good intentions, but often limiting opportunities for our children to make mistakes and learn from them as day to day challenges emerge.  What happens when I don’t turn in my homework?  What happens when I forget to set my alarm?  What happens if I choose to spend all my allowance rather than save it for more expensive things?  There is also a lesser-known term that I encountered a few years back called “lawnmower parent.”  This is the type of parent who wants to remove all obstacles in their child’s path, so that they don’t have to stumble or fall as they move through life. 

I can certainly relate to being both a helicopter and a lawnmower parent at times, but I came across a powerful fact a while back that helped me to rethink my actions. There is a place in southern Arizona called Biosphere 2.  You may have heard of it.  It’s an incredible project created by a team at the University of Arizona to research the impact of climate change.  It’s like a world in a bubble, and it was not a big stretch for me to think of my own desire to keep my son in a bubble, and to want to ensure that he have the optimal world around him.  However, funny things happen when your life is lived in a bubble.  Some of the trees in Biosphere 2 did not develop the deep and strong roots that they would have if they were exposed to wind and storms that are part of the “real” world.  These trees could be easily knocked over and damaged because they did not have to endure any significant resistance.  It turns out that we need some degree of rough weather to develop a strong foundation that keeps us grounded and safe when the inevitable challenges come our way.

I have had to weather my own storms, and when I brought my son into the world, I wanted him to see only blue skies and gentle breezes.  But I have learned (better late than never!) that the healthiest kind of parenting is the one that offers a safe place to make mistakes and learn from them.  It’s cultivating an environment that allows for wind as well as calm.  I am grateful for all that parenting has taught me and to be able to watch my son develop strong roots at the same time that his limbs reach toward the sky.

What I have found throughout my time in the mental health field is that many people in the world equate or have learned to equate their productivity to their worth. It is common that these individuals will take on many tasks and activities that fill their time and mind so they are able to feel valuable in the world or to certain people. These activities can be emotionally, mentally, or physically taxing for each person and yet they continue to participate with little to no time for themselves to recuperate; just constantly going and doing. 

Rest has not been modeled or considered positive for many. In fact, slowing down has often been described as “lazy” or unnecessary by many clients who have come through my office. With this perception, these people are consistently depleting themselves—leaving them left to give and do none of the activities and tasks they hope to.

It seems that we can’t really give what we don’t have. So, if we hope to give our greatest effort/energy in all that we do, it is likely that we will need to rest to show up in the ways we want. This can be achieved by taking time to check in with our needs, be present to our emotions, and truly find times/ways to REST. Rest can look different for each person—it can be emotional, physical, spiritual, social, mental, sensory, or creative rest. This can look like lying in bed/taking a nap, participating in meditation, being in nature, taking time away from social activity, pausing use of television or social media, and more.

It is my hope that the skewed perception that someone is not productive if they choose to take time for themselves or engage in restful behaviors can be debunked and the concept of rest can continue to be reframed as a helpful tool and positive activity for those that need it most.

Reading was instilled in me at a young age. As a child I used to think, “how cool is this, I get to travel to a faraway land” and escape into the world the author created. As I grew older my reading selections evolved into learning something new, seeing through the eyes of someone else, and trying to figure out “who did it” so I can prove my detective skills right. I learned the importance of keeping my mind occupied and growing. Looking back, there are so many hidden skills that I was subjected to as I dissected each character and joined them on their journey. 

Reading allows us to learn how to cultivate friendships and how to disengage when the friendship has ran its course. We can learn about various personality traits including how manipulation always back fires in the end and lies always come to the surface. Books give us the opportunity to learn the importance of being kind to oneself and that everyone experiences hurt. We learn how to communicate effectively and have hard conversations, as well as what probably should be left unsaid or spoken in a nicer tone. Reading teaches us the importance of having a support system and what can happen when someone betrays our trust. Some books teach us that we cannot go back in time to change things and even if we could, the outcome would not be what we expect. We can learn the importance of using all our senses and brain to help navigate tough situations. We are exposed to the importance of always packing a safety bag in our car, because we never know what can happen or when. We also learn that people are not always nice or have our best interest at heart. We learn there are different kinds of love as well as different kinds of anger. Books teach us that life can be hard, bittersweet, joyous, and dull. We also get to have an imagination, regulate our emotions, determine why a character is liked or disliked, and even find similarities of ourselves within the pages. I had no idea how much wealth was right before my eyes. 

As our society is battling whether or not to ban books, sensor material for pre-adults, publish material that is not scientifically proven, and even make horrible movies (as the book is always better); I think it is a great opportunity for all of us to get back to the reason as to why books were created. Simply to educate, document history, and later on as entertainment.  Without reading, I would not be who I am today. I recommended various books to clients on a regular bases and encourage them to bring in their own suggestions so we can process it together. Books can help us recognize that we are not alone, that we matter, and it’s okay to not be okay. 

I strongly encourage all readers of this blog to pick up a book. If you are needing recommendations – reach out, I have tons of suggestions. Get yourself on a reading app to track your progress and find new authors, personally I enjoy Goodreads and Bookmory. Get involved in a book club. Reward yourself with pizza hut individual pan pizza when you complete your challenge (totally worked for me as a child!). Go cruise a library or book store. Decide if you are a physical book, Kindle, or audiobook person. Give books as gifts. Share your great read finds with others. Reading does not have to be dull or dry, find a genre that resonates with you. Reading is powerful, assert that power!