“Not Throwing Away my Shot”
In the musical “Hamilton” the phrase “I am not throwing away my shot” references the concept of wasting an opportunity. I think all of us can relate with the idea, particularly when we go into ‘coulda woulda shoulda’ thinking as we rehash historical content with the means to shame, blame, and/or revalidate negative cognitions. We “should” on ourselves a great deal, unfortunately.
As humans, we have a tendency to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. Fearing rejection so I do not put my application in for a promotion because I will not get it anyway. Wearing a “Funny Guy” mask to gain attention because if I make them laugh then they will like me. Utilizing work as a means to distance myself from home because there is too much chaos there. Intentionally withdrawing my affection because they angered me, rather than resolving the conflict and speaking my truth. We all wear masks and have protective parts that attempt to keep us safe and comfortable. So when it comes to wasting an opportunity we also get to ask ourselves, “Is this my personal expectation or an expectation that was put on me” and also “Why am I afraid of throwing away my shot?”
Identifying our protective parts and following the line to what wound/negative thought/emotion they are attempting to keep us away from can provide us with a better understanding of Self as well as identify when various parts are driving our bus. Determining the motivation behind the drive of not wasting our shot can also help to decide how much emphasis, time, and energy we are putting forth to ensure we grasp that opportunity. I challenge each of us to identify those “wasted” opportunities and move towards giving our self grace and healing. The drive to “not give up my shot” became an obsession with Hamilton, which not only negatively impacted him but also caused a ripple effect with everyone and everything in the general vicinity. Finding the healthy balance while grasping hold of opportunities is important. Moving away from thoughts about never being good enough and towards the concept of picking up healthy opportunities of my choice. It is very possible to take hold of opportunities without allowing it to totally consume you.
On a side note: Hamilton is an amazing musical (and movie) that I highly recommend, not only to observe the previously discussed concepts but to also provide historical content. Plus the music in and of itself is utterly genius.
I am unaware of anyone, personally or professionally, who does life well in isolation. We are social beings. We need connection. It is built into our survival. Of course there is room for introverts, extroverts, and ambiverts, but those expressions of who we are focus on how we get those emotional needs met, and how we are energized, not the need itself. Underlying your preference, whether it be curling up and reading a book, or going to a club for a night of dancing, we need close connection – emotional connection. We need people who know our journey – ups, downs, best, and worst of who we are.
So, what should you look for in close, healthy relationships? There are six qualities that help identify healthy relationships – people we can trust with who we are.
- The first quality of a healthy relationship is the person can keep a confidence. This is not about secret keeping. This is about honoring privacy. When you are struggling, you do not need to worry if everyone at work will find out by tomorrow, or that it will be shared as a “prayer concern” in your faith community.
- The second quality – the relationship is caring. You want to know the person cares for you, and wants what is best for you.
- The third quality is sharing similar values, and even when they are different, your values are respected.
- The fourth quality is the relationship is mutual. You need to be sharing the same qualities you want (you keep a confidence, you care about the other person and you respect values), and in addition, there is not a power differential. A parents close friend should not be their 16 year old son, nor the person in charge of your performance review at work.
The next two qualities are more difficult because a healthy relationship is not the same as a conflict free relationship.
- The fifth quality of a close relationship – the person needs to have the courage to confront and identify your blind spots, and you need to respect them enough to listen. This does not always mean you need to agree, but you need to be willing to listen and reflect on what is being said. As the relationship is mutual, you will also need to be able to confront concerns that you see in the other person.
- Finally, the sixth quality of a close relationship is the ability to apologize and forgive. There is no perfect relationship out there. There are no perfect people. We make mistakes, say things we regret, step on each others toes accidentally, and sometimes intentionally. If we do not allow for healing, these relationship wounds, writing people off when they make mistakes, we will soon find ourselves alone. Apology and forgiveness are how we repair and bring healing to a relationship and it makes us stronger.
Having a close relationship is not for the faint of heart. Relationships take courage and intention. They are rewarding and powerful when you know and are known by the closest people in your life. Close relationships improve our ability to handle pain and stress, as well as increasing our immune systems, making us physically healthy. Connection is part of being human. They bring us joy and peace. They are worth the effort. Now, if you have fear about forming these relationships, or you have been wounded again and again, or you have shame about showing people your worst parts of yourself, then find a trusted profession who can help you unpack your pain, loneliness, or shame. Begin the healing journey because you deserve the healing that can be found in trusted relationships
Maybe you have lived with someone with ADHD growing up. Maybe you are currently in a relationship with someone with ADHD. Maybe someone you love just received an ADHD diagnosis. No matter what, if someone you care about has ADHD and you don’t, you have some work to do.
Here are six ways to start the journey of supporting a loved one with ADHD:
1. – Don’t expect their brain to work the same way as yours
Let me say that one more time. Don’t expect their brain to work the same way as yours. When your brain may sound like a relatively focused stream of thoughts, theirs may feel like six radio stations are all on at the same time all the time. When your brain can focus on a task for an hour, their brain may focus on a task for eight hours. When your brain reminds you of daily self-care of hygiene tasks, theirs may not. When we can stop expecting their brain to function the same as ours, we create space for curiosity.
2.- Be curious about their experience
Living with or being with someone with ADHD can be challenging. And it becomes easy to see their behaviors that affect you negatively. While this is understandable, its not helpful. Instead, do your best to be curious about their experience. What must it be like for them to struggle to be consistent? What must it be like for them to feel bombarded with different thoughts all day long? What is it like for them to get lost or completely obsessive with an activity only for it to fall off a few weeks later? What must it be like for them to struggle with time management? Begin leading your thought cycle with questions like these to help point you in a more compassionate and productive direction.
3. – Validate their experience
Let me start by getting one quick misconception out of the way, and that is that validation does not equal agreement. To validate someone does not mean we agree with them. I’m not asking you to agree with them, I’m asking you to connect with them. When we can validate our loved one, we create a bridge of connection. Without that validation, we stay rooted on two different sides of a river. Validation builds a bridge of connection that allows forward movement together possible.
4. – Be mindful that our culture largely does not support the ways in which their brain works
This is a big one. By and large, our culture does not support the ways in which any neurodivergent brain works. As awareness continues to increase, shifts and adaptations are occurring, but often not in a significant enough way that a person with ADHD can feel affirmed or supported by our culture. Rugged individualism characterizes the expectations of our society. This black and white thinking results in serious consequences for someone with ADHD, often leaving them with intense feelings of shame, inadequacy, and defectiveness. Talk with your loved one about this. Get curious. Validate. And…
5. – Do your research!
Fortunately, there is tons of information about ADHD and adult ADHD to be found online now days. If someone you love or care about has ADHD, take the time to do some research. Read articles online, order books on Amazon, listen to podcasts, talk with others you know who have ADHD. And then go back and talk to your loved one about what you learn. See what they resonate with. This is also often a great way for your loved one to feel seen by you.
6. – It’s okay to say this is hard.
Last but not least, give yourself a break and give yourself permission, as the non-ADHDer, to admit that this is hard – because it is! This is a huge learning curve! And one that takes time, patience, and humility to undertake. If you’re reading this, remind yourself that you care, and you’re doing your best. Just as your loved one is. Keep in mind the suggestions above, but overall, take care of your emotional state so you can show up for your loved one as the person you want to be.
Mirror neurons biologically help explain the idea that “individuals attune to one another and represent themselves in and through each other” (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018, p. 25). The idea we are mirrors of one another and can deeply know and understand ourselves through connection is not a new idea but one that psychological science is slowly catching up to.
Attachment theorists and neuroscientists recognize that interactions with our nurturing person or people are responsible for establishing the physiological structure of our limbic and cortical regions early on in life (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018). Through these early relationships we gain templates about how to anticipate the world, how to perceive it and of our own value within it. Early on we encode these memories implicitly through “bodily sensations, behavioral impulses, and emotional surges.” (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018, p. 4).
The limbic system, our emotional brain, slowly strengthens connections through socialization with our middle prefrontal cortex most significantly until age 25 (Majeski, 2007, p. 432). The middle prefrontal cortex helps make up “our sense of self, attachment to others, our emotional regulation and overall brain integration” (Gantt & Badenoch, 2018, p. 4). These early pathways can understandably develop in unhelpful ways given stressful, traumatic, and painful environments growing up. We inevitably learn unhelpful ideas about ourselves and the world as we go through life.
Group therapy offers a fertile space to helpfully rewire these connections in a healthier more adaptive way through feelings of safety, validation, and being seen and heard by others. The goal of group therapy is to create a space where these early templates can rewire, co-regulate, and form new healthier pathways of connection. Treating an individual is great and adding a sense of community and attunement with others multiplies the healing of being seen and heard. It speaks to our innate human desire for a sense of belonging and connection. Many collectivistic cultures have already intuitively known of this mirroring and strengthening of self through connection. An indigenous epistemology beautifully demonstrates this concept stating “Lak’ech In Lak’ech.” In other words “you are my other me.” This is something we must feel, experience and live as a value in order to know, something we sometimes miss out on in our own Western individualistic way of being.
References:
Gantt, S. P., & Badenoch, B. (Eds.). (2018). The interpersonal neurobiology of group psychotherapy and group process. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429482120
Majeski, R. A. (2007). The Life Span: Human Development for Helping Professionals (2nd Ed.): A Review of: “By Patricia Broderick and Pamela Blewitt Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall ©2006 608 pages. ISBN: 0-1317-0684-5” Taylor & Francis Group. https://doi.org/10.1080/03601270701411098
CU Boulder school of Education (2018, November 30th). In Lak’ech: You Are My Other Me — Magnolia Landa-Posas. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUzhbJKLfuE
It seems obvious, right? Of course, we always get consent from others before we are sexual with them. It just comes naturally, right? Sadly, all too often the answer is no. From college campuses to our own private bedrooms, consent before sex is too often overlooked, ignored, or exploited. We can’t talk about healthy sexuality without broadly considering the concept of sexual consent. This is critical for all of us.
That’s because sexual contact without consent amounts to sexual assault, sexual violence, or rape. Today, there is a worldwide epidemic of sexual assault. We live in a true Rape Culture where sexual violence and abuse is normalized, played down, accepted, excused, laughed off, and not challenged enough by our communities. Rape culture exists and persists especially because our society, with its entrenched patriarchy, regards women as less important than men– essentially less deserving of respect and power—and encourages men to objectify and hyper-sexualize women. We can see the normalization of sexual violence and abuse against women in popular music, TV shows, and films that glamorize the disregard of women’s boundaries and the need for sexual consent, and in the prevalence of violent pornography.
Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Consent involves letting your partner(s) know what you want and don’t want. Consent is about respecting your partner, creating safety, and allowing for pleasure and romance. We must all do our part to obtain consent with every sexual encounter and, importantly, to teach these principles to our children.
What is Sexual Consent?
Consent is about communication. Sexual consent is a clear, freely given, reversible, enthusiastic, and specific agreement between people to have sexual contact with each other. Consent should happen every time and for every type of sexual activity. Consent is never implied or assumed; it is unambiguous and overt. Agreeing to kiss someone does not give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past does not give that person permission to have sex with you again. Consent should be clear, overt, and unequivocal. A verbal expression of consent helps both partners understand and respect each other’s boundaries and expectations. Fundamentally, sexual consent involves a clearly stated “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.” Today, the principles of consent apply to online sexual activity as well as to in-person activity. Consent should precede any sexual contact—there should be no question or mystery.
What is Sexual Contact?
Sexual Contact includes (but is not limited to) any of these behaviors:
- Touching, kissing, fondling (whether over or under clothing) of a person for the purpose of sexual gratification.
- Vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, oral sex, manual sex.
- Any contact, however slight, between the mouth, genitals, or anus of one individual with that of another.
- Sexual contact includes touch and penetration using toys or objects.
You can change your mind at any time
Sexual consent can be withdrawn any time a person feels uncomfortable. “Stop” means stop immediately, even if you’ve done it before together, and even if you are both naked in bed. The best way to ensure that all parties are still in agreement with what is going on is to talk about it, check in with each other periodically, and make sure everyone consents before sexual activity is escalated or changed. You have final say over what happens to your body.
What does consent look like?
- Confirming that there is mutual interest before initiating any touch.
- Asking permission before changing the type of sexual activity with questions like “Is this OK?”
- Letting your partner know that they can stop at any time.
- Periodically checking in with your partner, “Is this still okay?”
- Providing positive feedback when you are comfortable with an activity.
- Providing explicit agreement to certain activities by saying “yes” or “I’m okay with that.”
What sexual consent is NOT
While the concept of freely given consent is fairly straight forward, it is worth being very specific about what does not constitute consent. Remember, sexuality without consent is sexual assault. Despite what may be portrayed in the media and elsewhere, sexual consent is NOT:
- Ignoring or refusing to accept “no.”
- Assuming that wearing provocative clothing, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more.
- The use of force, physical violence, intimidation, or threats to gain sexual access to another individual.
- The use of coercion (unreasonable pressure) for sexual activity. Coercion is more than efforts to persuade, entice, or attract another person to have sex; coercion wrongfully impairs an individual’s freedom to choose whether or not to be sexual. Hearing a ‘yes” from a person who is being bullied, forced, or exploited does not mean that they actually consent.
- Being sexual with a person who is incapacitated – unable to make rational, reasonable decisions because they have mental or physical disability, are asleep, unconscious, intoxicated, drugged, or unaware of what is happening to them. A person may be incapacitated due to consumption of alcohol or other drugs.
- Lack of a “no” or “stop” or protest in any form does NOT constitute consent. Silence or passivity do NOT constitute consent. Lack of resistance does NOT constitute consent.
- Consent for one form of sexual activity does NOT constitute consent for other forms of sexual activity. Consent during a prior sexual episode does NOT constitute consent to future sexual activity.
- Oneself being impaired by alcohol or other drugs is NOT a defense against any violation of the principle of consent. The only person to blame for sexual assault is the perpetrator.
- Physiological arousal (erection, lubrication, orgasm) are involuntary and do NOT imply consent. The body may get visibly aroused even when a person clearly does not want to be sexual.
- Sexual contact by an adult with underage individuals is inherently non-consensual, illegal, and may lead to prison and being registered as a sex offender. The age of consent varies in different parts of the US and across the world.
- Consent to intercourse does NOT give permission to remove a condom during sex (a practice known as “stealthing.”)
- Sending explicit images or messages to another person online without first asking permission is a violation of “digital consent.”
Sex without consent is invasive, intrusive, and a violation of our intrinsic right to freely choose what we do with our bodies. Without consent, any kind of sexual activity is sexual violence. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect, clear boundaries, and freely offered consent. It’s time to get everyone on the same page about consent. Talk about it to your partners. And, please, talk about it with your children. Let’s make this a sexually safer world.
If you’ve experienced sexual assault, you’re not alone. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.
When I had my son, my first instinct was to protect him from everything so he would never have to feel loss or pain or worry. I think a lot of us feel this way, and it is certainly our responsibility to fiercely and attentively protect very young children. But faster than we can imagine, they grow and take on increasing independence in the world. We can either facilitate this or impede it, and finding the balance between our responsibility to protect and our responsibility to grow our children is one of the hardest paths of parenthood.
Many of you will have heard the term “helicopter parent,” referring to the type of parent who hovers closely, with good intentions, but often limiting opportunities for our children to make mistakes and learn from them as day to day challenges emerge. What happens when I don’t turn in my homework? What happens when I forget to set my alarm? What happens if I choose to spend all my allowance rather than save it for more expensive things? There is also a lesser-known term that I encountered a few years back called “lawnmower parent.” This is the type of parent who wants to remove all obstacles in their child’s path, so that they don’t have to stumble or fall as they move through life.
I can certainly relate to being both a helicopter and a lawnmower parent at times, but I came across a powerful fact a while back that helped me to rethink my actions. There is a place in southern Arizona called Biosphere 2. You may have heard of it. It’s an incredible project created by a team at the University of Arizona to research the impact of climate change. It’s like a world in a bubble, and it was not a big stretch for me to think of my own desire to keep my son in a bubble, and to want to ensure that he have the optimal world around him. However, funny things happen when your life is lived in a bubble. Some of the trees in Biosphere 2 did not develop the deep and strong roots that they would have if they were exposed to wind and storms that are part of the “real” world. These trees could be easily knocked over and damaged because they did not have to endure any significant resistance. It turns out that we need some degree of rough weather to develop a strong foundation that keeps us grounded and safe when the inevitable challenges come our way.
I have had to weather my own storms, and when I brought my son into the world, I wanted him to see only blue skies and gentle breezes. But I have learned (better late than never!) that the healthiest kind of parenting is the one that offers a safe place to make mistakes and learn from them. It’s cultivating an environment that allows for wind as well as calm. I am grateful for all that parenting has taught me and to be able to watch my son develop strong roots at the same time that his limbs reach toward the sky.
What I have found throughout my time in the mental health field is that many people in the world equate or have learned to equate their productivity to their worth. It is common that these individuals will take on many tasks and activities that fill their time and mind so they are able to feel valuable in the world or to certain people. These activities can be emotionally, mentally, or physically taxing for each person and yet they continue to participate with little to no time for themselves to recuperate; just constantly going and doing.
Rest has not been modeled or considered positive for many. In fact, slowing down has often been described as “lazy” or unnecessary by many clients who have come through my office. With this perception, these people are consistently depleting themselves—leaving them left to give and do none of the activities and tasks they hope to.
It seems that we can’t really give what we don’t have. So, if we hope to give our greatest effort/energy in all that we do, it is likely that we will need to rest to show up in the ways we want. This can be achieved by taking time to check in with our needs, be present to our emotions, and truly find times/ways to REST. Rest can look different for each person—it can be emotional, physical, spiritual, social, mental, sensory, or creative rest. This can look like lying in bed/taking a nap, participating in meditation, being in nature, taking time away from social activity, pausing use of television or social media, and more.
It is my hope that the skewed perception that someone is not productive if they choose to take time for themselves or engage in restful behaviors can be debunked and the concept of rest can continue to be reframed as a helpful tool and positive activity for those that need it most.
Reading was instilled in me at a young age. As a child I used to think, “how cool is this, I get to travel to a faraway land” and escape into the world the author created. As I grew older my reading selections evolved into learning something new, seeing through the eyes of someone else, and trying to figure out “who did it” so I can prove my detective skills right. I learned the importance of keeping my mind occupied and growing. Looking back, there are so many hidden skills that I was subjected to as I dissected each character and joined them on their journey.
Reading allows us to learn how to cultivate friendships and how to disengage when the friendship has ran its course. We can learn about various personality traits including how manipulation always back fires in the end and lies always come to the surface. Books give us the opportunity to learn the importance of being kind to oneself and that everyone experiences hurt. We learn how to communicate effectively and have hard conversations, as well as what probably should be left unsaid or spoken in a nicer tone. Reading teaches us the importance of having a support system and what can happen when someone betrays our trust. Some books teach us that we cannot go back in time to change things and even if we could, the outcome would not be what we expect. We can learn the importance of using all our senses and brain to help navigate tough situations. We are exposed to the importance of always packing a safety bag in our car, because we never know what can happen or when. We also learn that people are not always nice or have our best interest at heart. We learn there are different kinds of love as well as different kinds of anger. Books teach us that life can be hard, bittersweet, joyous, and dull. We also get to have an imagination, regulate our emotions, determine why a character is liked or disliked, and even find similarities of ourselves within the pages. I had no idea how much wealth was right before my eyes.
As our society is battling whether or not to ban books, sensor material for pre-adults, publish material that is not scientifically proven, and even make horrible movies (as the book is always better); I think it is a great opportunity for all of us to get back to the reason as to why books were created. Simply to educate, document history, and later on as entertainment. Without reading, I would not be who I am today. I recommended various books to clients on a regular bases and encourage them to bring in their own suggestions so we can process it together. Books can help us recognize that we are not alone, that we matter, and it’s okay to not be okay.
I strongly encourage all readers of this blog to pick up a book. If you are needing recommendations – reach out, I have tons of suggestions. Get yourself on a reading app to track your progress and find new authors, personally I enjoy Goodreads and Bookmory. Get involved in a book club. Reward yourself with pizza hut individual pan pizza when you complete your challenge (totally worked for me as a child!). Go cruise a library or book store. Decide if you are a physical book, Kindle, or audiobook person. Give books as gifts. Share your great read finds with others. Reading does not have to be dull or dry, find a genre that resonates with you. Reading is powerful, assert that power!
Series Three: Blog
Alex had been cheating on Alice from day one. Secretly, he hired strippers at his bachelor party and never made it through his honeymoon without cheating with someone he met at the pool of the resort where he and Alice stayed during the week after the wedding. It didn’t stop. He slept with Alice’s best friend, hired hookers when on the road for his work, and was hooked on porn. Alice caught him looking at porn on his phone late one night and suspicioned there was more but was afraid to confront him. Then, one evening Alex’s phone rang and Alice picked it up thinking it was their daughter needing to be picked up from volleyball. But it wasn’t. It was a strange female voice who asked for Alex. When the person recognized that it was not Alex she hung up. Triggered with suspicion, Alice checked his texts and phone messages. She discovered a ton of graphic sexting texts between Alex and a woman named Lisa. She checked the phone number and figured there were over 75 phone calls to this one woman’s number. She called the number on Alex’s phone and the same voice of woman answered the call and Alice hung up without saying a word. She burst into tears because she knew what she had been dreading for quite some time. She confronted Alex about the call, but he denied and lied about anything inappropriate. She stayed with it and laid out the enormity of detail that she uncovered and finally after hours of adamantly denying and gaslighting Alice, Alex broke down and admitted that he had been having an affair with a woman named Lisa who worked at his company. He piecemealed his history of sexual misbehavior. It wasn’t till a month and a half later when through intensive therapy and an extensive sexual history polygraph that Alice learned that Alex was never faithful to her throughout their ten years of marriage.
She determined that the only way she would remain in the marriage is if he moved out, go to inpatient treatment recommended by his therapist and do whatever they suggested he do.
This is a common story for therapists who work with compulsive sexual betrayal. The stories vary and some relationships are able to heal betrayal brokenness while many are not. Addictive behavior is often concealed in deceit and secrets. In time, compulsive infidelity is discovered by partners and other family members. It is always traumatic for everybody.
Healing around betrayal is difficult and dicey. The trauma that is incurred impacts both the betrayer and the betrayed. The hurt is multifaceted.
Therapists treating broken trust have a number of considerations to assess when administering treatment. There are established guidelines for counselor support. However, while there are similarities that are common to all partner betrayal, no two betrayal responses are the same. Couples whose relationships have been riddled with compulsive infidelity with long term dishonesty have a number of consideration to assess.
- The compulsive betrayer must prioritize the following in order for healing to be effective: Cut off all contact with the affair partner. This includes text, email, phone calls and face to face visits. If the affair partner is in a working relationship with the compulsive betrayer, contact must be only about business with a commitment to gate all nonverbal energy communication. Preferred accountability about this dynamic would be with a recovering person who also is working a program. The betrayer must prioritize stopping the runaway train going down the track, their entrenched compulsive sexual behavior that has been in existence for a long period of time. Individual treatment is an absolute must. Promises to stop fade away all too frequently for the one who refuses treatment intervention.
- The partner must engage treatment for damage created by the betrayal. All too frequently the partner refuses treatment favoring that their betraying partner be the “identified patient”. It is familiar to hear “I am not the one who struggles with lying and infidelity. Focus on the betrayer. They are the culprit. This is like getting run over by a big Mack truck and laying on the side of the road with tire tracks across your back. The paramedics are called and when they arrive they tend to the driver put them in the ambulance and whisk them to the emergency room for treatment, leaving the victim who was run over lying on the side of the road. It makes no sense. Betrayal breaks the heart and the spirit of every victimized partner. Induced trauma requires long term partner treatment for recovery. Codependent responses are always triggered by underlying trauma. It must be treated and will not heal without it.
- The 3-legged stool approach. I prefer the 3-legged therapeutic approach. Every stool must have solid legs in order for the stool to be solid enough to safely sit. I find it most helpful that when treating betrayal trauma that each party in the relationship do individual therapy and that the couple also engage therapy, ideally with three different therapist involved. I have experienced good success when it is done concomitantly. There are exclusion when situations are exempt to this approach. That said a three pronged approach has proven most helpful in healing.
- Triage priorities in treatment. Betrayal is chaotic and crisis is not uniform and predictable. Careful consideration and guidance is needed in treating the betrayer, the betrayed partner, family, friends and extended community depending upon the roles people have in those communities. Both partners will need to embrace their wise-minded adult and if this is absent carefully accept the guidance from an experienced counselor to triage treatment base on your specific and unique needs.
Destructive behavior, broken hearts and tire tracks across the back caused by betrayal can heal. However, it is a long journey the insists that both partners embrace the healing journey. One or the other being the “identified patient” will impact prognosis for healing and stymy healing. Addict betrayal is not only about relational infidelity. Addicts betray their own values and the trust of those who are counting on them to work a program for healing. It is crucial that the entire family treat the addictive behavior from a family systems perspective. Each family member will need to address the impact of trauma that warps perspective and undermines trust.
Series Three: Blog Ninety-Six
Mothers are a powerful influence in the emotional development of every child. The emotional stress and strain that a mother engages while the child is in utero impacts emotional development significantly. Environmentally, children absorb the emotional experiences of their parents. A child depends upon mother for self-validation, mirroring acceptance and value, predictability, security, understanding, physical, emotional safety and to know that they matter. There is a myriad of other needs that a mother is responsible to fulfill for a child. Obviously, motherhood requires immense partner, familial and social support in order to provide these childhood needs.
When childhood necessities go unmet, metaphorically, the lack of developmental provisions resemble a chunk of Swiss cheese with the holes representing scrambled unmet needs. As a child physically develops into adulthood, they attempt to reach outside themselves to meet those needs through a cocktail of experience including achievement in career, performance in relationship, excessive pleasing behaviors, addiction, etc. However, you cannot fulfill a developmental need within by reaching outside through life experience. You become like a little kid who can’t get enough sugar. There is created a hole in your soul that can never be filled from the outside in.
Frequently, people subconsciously look to a romantic relationship to fill the emptiness created by unmet childhood developmental needs. They depend upon the romantic partner to fulfill those unmet needs. The rationalization is that my one half + your one half equals a whole. However, 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4! You have less, not more. This is because the attempt to meet core developmental emotional needs through another is impossible. Another person cannot fulfill those core needs no matter how hard they try. Those needs can only be addressed within you.
In relationship, when two people recognize this and work toward developing healthy self-parenting skills, they learn to enhance each other’s sense of wholeness. Through healthy individuation one learns to look within to recognize and address core developmental needs and then engage relational fulfillment by sharing emotional and life experience.
The attempt to look to someone else to fulfill core developmental emotional needs is a common dilemma for addicts in recovery. It is subtle and often is pursued subconsciously.
In the course of conversation with a partner, a misunderstanding occurs. For the addict, it is important for the partner to understand motive and intent as well in the words they used to express themselves. However, the partner has their own lens and interpretation of what they heard and experienced.
When an addict feels misunderstood and judged, subconsciously the partner becomes the parent or mother that could never be pleased. Without awareness the wise mind adult empowers the child within to navigate the adult misunderstanding. The child within is not capable of working through adult misunderstanding. So the addict gets stuck trying to address an adult relational issue from the viewpoint of a child. It’s no wonder it never works! It is prevalent that the empowered child from one partner triggers the engagement of the child within the other. So, you have two little kids trying to address an adult problem, looking to the other to be the mother to care for their emotional needs. Is it a surprise that the results are abysmal? It is all too common for addict relationships to get stuck right here!
Here are some suggestions to unravel this destructive relational dance.
- Spend time identifying unmet developmental emotional needs: This requires introspection. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) groups can be very helpful with this pursuit. The “laundry list” can help you identify unmet emotional needs from childhood. Further exploration is often needed with the help of a therapist.
- Identify mistaken beliefs that block intimacy: Get clear about what you tell yourself when you make a mistake or experience a misunderstanding. You will be triggered by messages you received when you were a child either by what your mother or father verbally told you or by what you made up when a developmental need was left unmet. A child only knows they matter when mother/father spends sufficient amounts of time with them on the child’s terms and not the parents. When this does not happen a child makes up that it is about something flawed regarding them and not parental deficiency. Those mistaken beliefs are triggered in a misunderstanding with someone significant because your wounded child will be activated.
- Address unresolved childhood trauma. Therapists talk about draining the pool of pain that exists from your childhood. It is most helpful to have a trained therapist help you. If you cannot afford a therapist then a group and sponsor from Codependency Anonymous, Al-Anon, ACA and other addict support groups can be helpful. You will need to scrub the wound. Ultimately, it depends upon your desire to address the trauma that sabotages your relationships.
- Create new empowering beliefs to replace the old mistaken beliefs. Scrubbing the wound of childhood trauma will lower your reactivity to the mistaken beliefs that were manifested early in life. However, you will need to create new empowering beliefs to replace the old hurtful beliefs. Those old beliefs seldom are erased. Rather you must commit to practice employing the new empowered belief in your day to day life. This will take great daily effort and practice. Perfection will spoil your practice. Commitment to belief is much deeper than perfect knowledge. It encompasses not if but when I re-engage old destructive beliefs, I stop to intervene with the new empowered belief. This takes ongoing training and conditioning. Over time your new belief system will emerge to guide you to empower your wise mind rather than hand the reins to the little boy or little girl who is incapable of managing the issues of adult living.
- When you get stuck in reactivity, ask yourself is my “wise mind adult or my little child empowered or in charge? When the “little boy” or “little girl” is in charge, don’t be ruthless with h/her. Simply express that your wise mind will address the issue, simply take the reins from the child and care for him or her with an adult decision. You may need to take a time out to create a position of poise and perspective. Just remember taking more time to do so will be in the long run a short cut.
- Brainstorm and cultivate a plethora of self-parenting skills. You may recognize that there were many fundamental emotional needs that were left unmet when you were a child. Take heart! You are resilient. Utilize a beginner’s mindset. Be hungry to learn and to apply new self-parenting skills. You can read about them or hear about them in recovery groups. Pick and choose skills that are role-modeled by healthy adults around you. The resources for learning are endless. The key is that you not be inactive. Take charge! Learn to be the adult your destiny calls you to be. It will not only enhance your intimacy skills but will offer a healing legacy to the next generation that follow you.
In the end, the answer to the question of who’s your mother, comes back to you. You are! You will need to fire your biological mother as your emotional mom and not look to your relational partner to give you what you did not get from mom. You must hire yourself to be your own emotional mom. It’s the only way enriched emotional intimacy will be realized in your life.
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