Giving gifts is a language of love and kindness. It is a vulnerable offering that requires the equal prioritization of intention and impact. When done with skill, giving and receiving co-occur for both parties, strengthening our sense of being valued and connected. Gifts, broadly defined, come in many different forms, and loosely conform, to an unstated rubric. The various types of gifts, along with the dos and don’ts of giving, get easier to identify as a relationship becomes more familiar. Even in our most intimate circles, however, it can be easy to miss the mark without some helpful guidelines.

Sleight of Hand:
It is a natural and normal tendency to use oneself as a frame of reference when attempting to understand and relate to other people in the absence of direct feedback. Albeit, when selecting a gift, this strategy is risky, and if relied on too heavily, may end up feeling to your recipient like a sleight of hand; one in which you are giving to get. This type of mistake was sardonically portrayed in a Simpson’s episode where Marge receives a bowling ball from her husband, Homer, as a birthday gift. Having waited until the last minute, Homer rushed out to find something, only to be distracted by his own interests. Consequently, Marge opened her gift to find a bowling ball that was not selected, nor designed, with her in mind. Instead, it had Homer’s name engraved on it and was manufactured for his body type. Don’t be a Homer.

Ignoring the Obvious:
When someone states honestly, clearly and directly, what they like and want, and conversely, what they don’t like and want, it’s masterful to take some thorough mental notes. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Just walk down easy street and provide the thing that they have requested. You can go a little further by putting a proverbial bow on it but realize that these kinds of gifts are not just about the thing. They are also about giving the intangible and invaluable gift of being seen, heard, and respected.

Failing to Plan…
…Is planning to fail. This isn’t always true but it’s still a good adage, and regarding our topic, has applicable merit. Typically, last minute gifts are easy to spot, and worse, they are usually wrapped in awkwardness for both the giver and the receiver. No matter how hard one tries to cover up or compensate for failing to plan, the lack of time, effort, and consideration becomes an anti-gift.

The don’ts of gift giving outlined above are clues to the dos. Do use an other-centric perspective. Do be attentive to the preferences of your recipient. And do engage in pre-planning.

In addition, I offer the following three tips for gifting with awareness.

Tip #1: Remember that some of the best gifts, don’t cost a dime.

A warm smile, a caring hug, and an attentive massage are all priceless ways to provide the gift of touch. Quality time, which is time plus undivided attention, is one of the most generous equations for making someone feel how much they matter. Acts of service are also highly valued, especially by those overwhelmed by life’s demands. Last, in this cost-effective category, are the things we say and the ways we say them, which can be verbal packages of care, that uplift and strengthen, when sent and delivered with heartfelt generosity.

Tip #2: Don’t underestimate the gift of yum.

In most cultures, food is love. Buying someone much needed groceries, making them a home-cooked meal, ordering in, taking them out, or presenting their favorite treat, all provide nourishment for body, mind, and soul. So, going this route is often a sure bet.

Tip #3: Have the courage to be creative.

Within the category of things purchased lies the element of consumerism. As such, we can fall into the trap of buying flowers and jewelry, gift cards, or beer socks, which may, or may not, be stuff that lands as powerfully as something crafted from a place within your heart. Creative giving engages both the giver and receiver in something unique and personalized, thus challenging our tendencies to assume prescribed roles in favor of being more deeply relational.

Gift giving improves mental health by activating areas in the brain associated with pleasure and by strengthening social connections. While science backs this up with hard evidence, most of us do not need to read the research. The felt experience of giving a gift that is well received, or receiving a gift that is given well, is proof enough. So, if you’ve been feeling disconnected or simply want to enhance the quality of your relationship with another, try the practice of gifting with awareness as an effective way to improve personal and relational wellness.

Juneteenth’s history began on June 19, 1865. The executive order known as the emancipation proclamation was issued approximately two years prior. However, it was not implemented in places still under Confederate control. Texas was the final holdout. Not until nearly two years later on June 19, 1865 when Union troops arrived and announced that the state’s 250,000 plus slaves were finally free was it fully realized. Juneteenth has long since been celebrated in the African American community and serves as our country’s second Independence Day. Juneteenth finally became a federal holiday in 2021. Sadly, what should be an uncontroversial day of pause, reflection, and celebration has instead become entangled in controversy and political tension.

I grew up in a diverse pocket of Southern California which mimicked the diversity in my own family of origin. My family was riddled with racial tensions and at times outright racism. My earliest recognition of this was as a very young child. I was playing at the park with my African American grandfather and he was chasing me. Someone confronted him for chasing a seemingly white child and was ultimately dumbfounded to discover he was my grandfather. My grandfather did not bother to explain he was not my biological grandfather which from my perspective today was wise. Better to let them wrestle with why diversity was so difficult to grasp. It was also comforting to me as a child to know that he saw me as his own given the chaos of my childhood. He was and still is the only positive male role model in my life. In fact, I did not just want to be like him I wanted to look like him. Partly because of who he was to me and partly because I wondered if then the stares and comments would stop.

He passed away when I was young, but the tensions did not end in my family nor in the world. In fact, of late things feel particularly tense. It is difficult to find the right words and in today’s climate it may feel best to not say anything at all. It is too important, however, to stay silent. We must process the pain and anger collectively to pave the way for healing and forgiveness. 

Here at PCS we are constantly encouraging clients to sit in their pool of pain, fall apart, and get messy. The anger is always an important part we constantly encourage clients to not pass by or blow through too quickly. Many of us received very pointed and damaging messages about how bad anger is and maybe painful demonstrations of unchecked anger. Some well-meaning people would even say it’s not a primary emotion which just diminishes its value and importance. It is important to slow down and really sit with anger. Wielded properly our anger can serve to protect us individually and as a society going forward. So, while it is not an easy prescription and might feel overly simplistic to such a huge wound it is the beginning path to of healing and forgiveness.  

I hope wherever you are, whatever your background, whatever your story is you take an active role in this healing process. I hope you bravely step into this difficult space of processing generations of abuse and hold space for yours and others anger toward this atrocity in our nation’s history. 

Introduction to Emotional Transformation Therapy

Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT), founded by Dr. Steven Vazquez, is a treatment modality designed to provide emotional healing using color and light. Various psychological and neuroscientific principles are combined to address unresolved emotional pain by accessing our subconscious, changing neuropathways/neural impulses, and increasing the movement towards clarity, empowerment, and decreased distress. There are multiple modalities within ETT that can be incorporated into treatment. 

Understanding the Foundations

The Role of Emotions

Emotions are those lovely things that we tend to compartmentalize, minimize, have difficulty navigating, and sometimes create a sense of overwhelm. We are taught different kinds of expectations from a young age about how emotions should/should not be expressed, felt, and managed.  Sometimes we are taught that certain emotions provide us with the opportunity to get our needs met, whether that be positive or not so much. ETT targets emotions, moves towards resolution of emotional blockage, and improves healthy emotional expression through the reparenting of our brain. 

How ETT Works

ETT utilizes specialized tools involving light and color exposure (spectral chart, goggles, wands, light device), to stimulate neural pathways that are connected to our experiences. Combining those tools with guided therapeutic exploration, ETT works to move stuck emotions from the Amygdala into our emotional processing/regulating center, the Hippocampus. This improves one’s window of tolerance and emotional congruence. 

Applications of Emotional Transformation Therapy

ETT has been shown to be effective with various conditions and issues that include, but are not limited to, the following:

*Trauma

*Anxiety

*Depression

*Obsessions

*Compulsions

*Addictions

*Physical aliments

*ADHD/ADD

*Mood fluctuations

*Sleep disturbances

*Phobias

*Relationships

*Decision making

*Etc.

Benefits of Emotional Transformation Therapy

Holistic Healing

ETT addresses the entire person and is not invasive. As our physical, emotional, and mental ailments tend to be intermingled ETT not only targets what is known but also what is unknown. 

Empowerment and Self-Awareness

Emotional transformation allows for a greater sense of Self and Self-awareness.  With knowledge increases empowerment and confidence. 

Accessibility and Adaptability

ETT is not only adaptable to various settings but is also accessible to individuals and couples.  If you experience color blindness, ETT can still be effective. 

Challenges and Considerations

ETT is not without limitations. Some individuals may need additional support to improve navigation and maintenance. Unfortunately, the availability of trained ETT practitioners may be limited in some regions.  Thankfully, PCS has multiple ETT certified practitioners on staff. Although ETT is an amazing tool, personal preference may be a deciding factor to change into another modality.  Unfortunately, there is no magic wand that will “fix” everything, therefore approaching ETT as a layer to your journey is important. 

Resources

If self-education is your jam, below are some resources to further explore the topic of ETT. 

ETT Training – Emotional Transformation Therapy

Emotional Transformation Therapy: An Interactive Ecological Psychotherapy 

by Steven R. Vazquez

I was always drawn to kaleidoscopes growing up…being able to look through and see colorful patterns shifting and changing could mesmerize me at a moment’s notice. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m drawn to symbols and metaphors in my own life. I use them to ground myself and articulate meaning. In fact, within arm’s reach on my desk at home sits a small wooden bowl that holds various treasures I’ve collected over the years…there’s a marble doorknob from my immigrant ancestor’s home, a ginkgo leaf from a recent trip, stones from a well in Ireland…a variety of valued items that speak to me in a way words just can’t.  

As my own path started shifting back in 2018 when I began my coaching work in a corporate setting, I often used the symbol of a prism to think about my work. As a person who innately appreciates the uniqueness of people, I was interested in the different sides and perspectives clients offered. I thought about our work exploring like a prism, using multiple facets to refract light and produce an array of beautiful colors. Uncovering potential was such a highlight of this work together. 

My time here at PCS has offered me a new perspective on my work. I have grown to appreciate the symbol of a mirror in our work here. At its most basic, a mirror reflects back a single image. And we say a lot in how we think about and describe that reflection when we look at ourselves in a mirror, don’t we? I’ve seen the power of mirror work here and learned how those reflections can deepen our own sense of identity. And yet the symbol of the mirror is useful too as a tool. Our role as therapists, in effect, is to offer a second mirror for our clients in the questions we ask and things we notice. As we work together, we can use that mirror to offer different angles, unlocking perspectives and reflections kept hidden or previously unexplored. And I’m drawn to how these new reflections of self change the stories we tell ourselves about our past, our present, and our future. So next time you stop at a mirror to check for a hair out of place, smile and take a moment to honor the beauty and uniqueness of you, appreciating the depth of the image you see reflected back.

At any given moment in time, your senses are bombarded with a vast amount of data. To effectively filter and prioritize what you pay attention to – or orient toward – you must, therefore, select some environmental cues to the exclusion of others. This process is correlated with your internal state, and thus, an important aspect of self-regulation and the maintenance of mental health. 

All mammals, including humans, have a reflexive instinct to orient toward novel stimuli so that safety can be quickly determined: a loud noise, the sudden presence of a stranger, odd smells, physical pain, or an unexpected touch can all but demand instantaneous and focused attention. Once safety has been assessed and confirmed, this involuntary orienting reflex yields more readily to conscious choice, potentiating greater agency. Over the course of your life experiences, the polarity between the orienting instinct versus the orienting response intersect to create a range of habitual patterns that subconsciously drive how you pay attention. 

To better understand the relationship between your internal state and your orientation, try the following experiential exercise: 

1. Figuratively step into your observing mind and begin looking at your immediate surroundings through that mindful lens. 
2. Now, pick something in your environment that elicits a pleasant internal state. Perhaps a sunset, your beloved pet, a soft blanket, or the smell of a good meal. Linger there for as long as you reasonably can. 
3. When you are ready, shift your focus. This time, orient toward something that is mildly unpleasant. Perhaps your to-do list, traffic, a stain on the carpet, or a smelly trash can. Linger there for as long as you reasonably can. 
4. Lastly, return your focus back to something pleasant and note the impact on your internal state. 
5. Come back to your thinking/analyzing mind and reflect on your experience. 
6. For the remainder of the day, take note of the relationship between your internal state and what you are oriented to, jotting down any personally meaningful insights along the way. 

Studying your own habitual orienting patterns is a valuable skill for improving your overall well-being and fostering a more enjoyable existence. This is because your orienting habits, like most other conditioned patterns of behavior, are often directly related to past trauma or attachment deficits. Habits do not easily update by their own accord, especially if they are connected to our survival instincts. It is not uncommon, for example, to predominantly orient to potential threats while driving in the wake of an automotive accident. If, however, sufficient time has passed and these orienting patterns remain, hypervigilance, stress, and fear may also become coupled with the act of driving, making the experience aversive, even when conditions are favorable for safe and comfortable travel. In essence, learned coping strategies that originated from past trauma, or relationship wounds, can keep you oriented to reminders of the past even when circumstances have changed. 

An important part of healing, therefore, involves becoming curious about, and mindfully aware of, how you pay attention. It is one of the first steps you can take toward gaining a greater sense of competence, empowerment, and life satisfaction after adversity. Then you can choose, with intention and purpose, to change your orienting habits toward what feels “good” or “safe,” instead of what feels “bad” or “unsafe.” This will allow for different responses and meanings to emerge, while cultivating new and updated patterns, thus paving the way for a shift in how you experience the world around you.

References:

Ogden, P., Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

There are moments when you feel securely tethered to the truth. These are the times when you are more confident in your knowledge about how the world works and how to best move through it. Within this mental comfort zone, your stress response is diminished, and your social engagement system becomes more active. This felt sense of internal security thus motivates calculated risk. However, as you begin moving toward your desired goal, subjective and objective realms begin to collide in new and unfamiliar ways, challenging perception and generating different choice points along the way. In these moments, when certainty becomes less certain, what is your habitual response pattern?

According to cognitive psychology, every brain is pre-wired to engage in logical fallacies, heuristics, and mental biases. These are ubiquitous thinking patterns that, in certain circumstances, enhance your ability to cope effectively with the complex and dynamic world around you. Under less ideal circumstances, these same patterns lead to cognitive errors with wide-ranging consequences. To illustrate this point, let’s consider the confirmation bias as one example.

The neuroscience of belief teaches that, “Once beliefs are formed, the brain begins to look for and find confirmatory evidence in support of those beliefs [while simultaneously ignoring evidence against those beliefs], which adds an emotional boost of further confidence in the beliefs and thereby accelerates the process of reinforcing them, and round and round the process goes in a positive feedback loop of belief confirmation” (Shermer, 2011, p. 5). This dizzying definition explains why, when we are thinking about buying a particular make of a new vehicle, we suddenly notice that vehicle everywhere. It helps to explain why stereotypes persist and why placebos and algorithms work. It’s why we tend to think a referee made a good call if it’s in favor of our team, and a bad call, if it’s in favor of the opposition. Simply stated, the confirmation bias is perception through a filter (McRaney, 2011).

The trouble with the confirmation bias is that it hinders an ontological exploration of facts and blinds us to possibility. In the following excerpt, Terry Pratchett (2000), through the character Lord Vetinari from his fantasy novel, The Truth, makes this point more artistically:  

Be careful. People like to be told what they already know. Remember that. They get uncomfortable when you tell them new things. New things … well, new things aren’t what they expect. They like to know that, say, a dog will bite a man. That is what dogs do. They don’t want to know that man bites a dog, because the world is not supposed to happen like that. In short, what people think they want is news, but what they really crave is olds … Not news but olds, telling people that what they think they already know is true. (p. 99)

It’s perplexing and humbling to think that within the neurological mush inside our skull lies a vast network of circuitry for self-deception, but it’s true. Our worldview is, in part, a product of erroneous cognitive procedures designed to maximize individual survival, not veracity. To make matters worse, humans enter this world as babies, with a long developmental road ahead.

Babies and children, by nature, are egocentric and concrete thinkers (Wadsworth, 2003). Consequently, the mental maps they form about themselves, and the world they live in, are also self-regarding and literal. As you know, you were once a child, indicating that you historically made meaning out of your own experiences, in similar ways. Fortunately, you eventually made it to adulthood, where your cognitive abilities became more sophisticated and abstract due to neural maturation. Nevertheless, much of what you concluded as a child, has remained preserved in your nervous system as implicit knowledge. This knowledge is stored in the form of generalized beliefs, along with the emotional and sensory components of memory. 

These early beliefs, combined with logical fallacies, heuristics, and mental biases, can result in an interesting array of behavioral trajectories. In the absence of metacognition, these behavioral trajectories gain momentum and become repetitive patterns bound by inertia. For this reason, feeling stuck, as if walking up a downward moving escalator, is a common human experience. So, in those moments when certainty becomes less certain, practice the pause and get curious about the thoughts priming your trajectory. Try using the sentence stem, “The story I tell myself…” to gain more objectivity. From there, begin to question your assumptions, identify the beliefs that shape the premise of your conclusion, fact check your data, and recognize how perspective informs individual opinion. Try pivoting to something new, novel, and unautomated. And don’t stop at your intellect. Invite emotion and body-based sensation into the change equation. “To capitalize on the body in therapy calls for a shift in emphasis from conversation to mindful exploration; from a sole focus on emotions and thoughts to the inclusion of body sensation, posture, and movement; from discussing new possibilities to experimenting with new actions” (Ogden, 2015, p. 53).

Change is, by and large, antithetical to our survival instincts. It takes a willingness to get uncomfortable. To slow time, engage in a process of introspection, and to risk the unknown. So be patient with yourself, and with one another, whenever you feel trapped on that proverbial escalator. As Shakespeare so wisely stated, “How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees? Thou know’st we work by wit and not by witchcraft, And wit depends on dilatory time.”

References

McRaney, D. (2011). You are not so smart. Penguin Group, Inc.

Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

Pratchett, T. (2000). The truth: A novel of Discworld. HarperCollins.

Shermer, M. (2011). The believing brain. Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

Wadsworth, B. J., (2003). Piaget’s theory of cognitive and affective development: Foundations of Constructivism (5^th ed.). Pearson College Div.

In the musical “Hamilton” the phrase “I am not throwing away my shot” references the concept of wasting an opportunity.  I think all of us can relate with the idea, particularly when we go into ‘coulda woulda shoulda’ thinking as we rehash historical content with the means to shame, blame, and/or revalidate negative cognitions.  We “should” on ourselves a great deal, unfortunately. 

As humans, we have a tendency to avoid things that make us uncomfortable.  Fearing rejection so I do not put my application in for a promotion because I will not get it anyway.  Wearing a “Funny Guy” mask to gain attention because if I make them laugh then they will like me. Utilizing work as a means to distance myself from home because there is too much chaos there. Intentionally withdrawing my affection because they angered me, rather than resolving the conflict and speaking my truth.  We all wear masks and have protective parts that attempt to keep us safe and comfortable.  So when it comes to wasting an opportunity we also get to ask ourselves, “Is this my personal expectation or an expectation that was put on me” and also “Why am I afraid of throwing away my shot?”

Identifying our protective parts and following the line to what wound/negative thought/emotion they are attempting to keep us away from can provide us with a better understanding of Self as well as identify when various parts are driving our bus.  Determining the motivation behind the drive of not wasting our shot can also help to decide how much emphasis, time, and energy we are putting forth to ensure we grasp that opportunity.  I challenge each of us to identify those “wasted” opportunities and move towards giving our self grace and healing. The drive to “not give up my shot” became an obsession with Hamilton, which not only negatively impacted him but also caused a ripple effect with everyone and everything in the general vicinity. Finding the healthy balance while grasping hold of opportunities is important.  Moving away from thoughts about never being good enough and towards the concept of picking up healthy opportunities of my choice.  It is very possible to take hold of opportunities without allowing it to totally consume you.

On a side note:  Hamilton is an amazing musical (and movie) that I highly recommend, not only to observe the previously discussed concepts but to also provide historical content. Plus the music in and of itself is utterly genius.