Self-forgiveness is a process that many people find deeply challenging, yet profoundly healing. It is often far easier to extend compassion, patience, and understanding to others than it is to offer those same qualities to ourselves. When expectations are not met or choices lead to outcomes different than hoped for, individuals may carry lingering self-judgment, guilt, or shame. These internal responses are understandable, and they deserve to be met with care rather than criticism.

From a therapeutic perspective, self-forgiveness is not about dismissing responsibility or avoiding accountability. Instead, it involves acknowledging the context in which decisions were made – the emotions present, the resources available, and the capacity one had at that moment in time. When people are able to approach themselves with curiosity rather than judgment, they create space for deeper self-understanding and healing.

Growth often begins when self-compassion is introduced alongside honesty. Forgiving oneself allows individuals to hold their pain with gentleness while still recognizing opportunities for change. It encourages reflection without self-punishment and supports the development of resilience, self-trust, and emotional flexibility. Through self-forgiveness, individuals are able to move forward with greater clarity, grounded in acceptance of who they are and empowered to continue becoming who they wish to be.

In holding space for self-forgiveness, meaningful change becomes possible – not through pressure or perfection, but through empathy, authenticity, and intentional growth.

My wife and I were traveling over the holidays and while in the airport we heard this announcement: “If you LEFT YOUR SHOES at the TSA checkpoint, we have them for you.”  It gave us both a chuckle, which only increased when the announcement was made a second time with the same emphasis on you left your shoes.

Certainly, the first thought is how in the world does someone forget their shoes, but now with age, I have
taught myself to say that could be you.  I subsequently made up a number of scenarios: too embarrassed to retrieve them and did not like the shoes all that much anyway; rushing to get their flight and did not have time to return and retrieve them and have others packed; to my favorite of this person was so preoccupied with their travels and/or who they were with they not only forget their shoes, they did not hear the announcement, and even more still had not noticed they did not have shoes; of course there is the other possibility shoes did not really matter to this individual and simply did not notice they left them and are the type of individual who does not care to listen to announcements.  Now I can imagine you may conjure up a different scenario which is part of the fun.  

What I tell myself is whatever scenario we create it reflects different parts of us.  Perhaps reflecting a fear, a self judgement, or our ability to laugh at ourselves.  As the title reflects, I go to a preoccupied mind, which is my own struggle. My wish for myself is leaving my shoes would mean, I was immersed in the moment!

Loneliness sucks.                

It hits quietly at first—an ache, a heaviness, a moment where we realize we are sitting with ourselves, wishing someone else were beside us. Feeling lonely isn’t a sign that something is wrong with us. It reflects a longing for connection, understanding, closeness, and a sense of belonging where we feel supported and seen.

Loneliness, isolation, and depression are not only emotional states. According to the World Health Organization (WHO, 2023), social isolation raises the risk of early death at levels comparable to smoking or obesity. The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory (Murthy, 2023) notes that loneliness increases early mortality by 26%, and isolation increases it by 29%. Research links long-lasting loneliness with cognitive decline and dementia (Donovan et al., 2017; Lara et al., 2019), and consistent evidence shows strong associations between loneliness and depression across the lifespan (Lee et al., 2021).

But our loneliness is more than statistics.
It is deeply human.

Why does it hurt so much?

Loneliness affects our biology as well as our emotions. Human beings are built for closeness—for shared laughter, eye contact, touch, support, and companionship. When we lack these forms of connection, our nervous system responds as if something essential is missing. Stress rises, our bodies tense, and even simple tasks can feel more burdensome.

We often try to protect ourselves by pulling back, but withdrawing can actually deepen loneliness, which then fuels sadness, making it even harder to reach out. A cycle of loneliness, isolation, and depression takes shape, each layer reinforcing the next.

That ache we feel is the space between what we deserve and what we currently experience. Our loneliness is not a personal failure.
It means we care.
It means we long for closeness.
It means we still hope for connection, even when it feels like giving up.

So what can we do?

Let’s not wait to be invited. Let’s initiate.

Sometimes belonging begins with a single small step.

Face-to-face activities we can join

• A pickleball, basketball, volleyball, or baseball game at a neighborhood park
• An audition, rehearsal, or backstage role in community theater
• A music circle, drumming group, or open jam session
• A DND campaign, a board-game night, or a Magic The Gathering event
• A class or workshop in pottery, painting, cooking, photography, dance, or improv
• A local hiking meet-up

Reconnect with people

• Text an old friend and meet for lunch, coffee, or a walk
• Reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while
• Ask someone to join you for a class, a movie, or a relaxed game night

Volunteer—somewhere that feels meaningful

• Play with cats or walk dogs with other animal lovers at an animal shelter.
• Help at a food pantry or community kitchen.
• Join neighborhood mutual-aid projects.
• Volunteer at community events that need extra hands, the library, book fairs, or senior centers.
  

Create a connection

• Smile.
• Complement someone for something you truly appreciate.
• Start a tiny conversation with a barista, neighbor, coworker, or classmate.
• Say yes to one invitation.

What one action, not perfect, not impressive, can you commit to today that moves you even one step closer to connection?

***

You’re invited.

If you’re a PCS ITP alumnus—and you’re looking for a meaningful place to begin—please join our PCS ITP Alumni Group. Community has a unique ability to lift, to hold, and to remind us of who we are—especially in moments when life feels heavy.

Within this group, you’ll find people who understand the journey, who value shared growth, and who believe in showing up for one another. You don’t have to navigate everything alone. Come be part of something larger, a vast human mosaic, where every small effort matters. 

We are waiting for you.       / Hadas Ron-Zarki

References:

Donovan, N. J., Okereke, O. I., Vannini, P., Amariglio, R. E., Rentz, D. M., Marshall, G. A., Johnson, K. A., & Sperling, R. A. (2017). Association of higher cortical amyloid burden with loneliness in cognitively normal older adults. JAMA Psychiatry, 73(12), 1230–1237. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2016.2657

Lara, E., Caballero, F. F., Rico-Uribe, L. A., Olaya, B., Haro, J. M., Ayuso-Mateos, J. L., & Miret, M. (2019). Are loneliness and social isolation associated with cognitive decline? Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, 70(S1), S191–S202. https://doi.org/10.3233/JAD-180439

Lee, E. E., Depp, C., Palmer, B. W., Glorioso, D., Daly, R., Liu, J., Tu, X., & Jeste, D. V. (2021). High prevalence and adverse health effects of loneliness in community-dwelling adults across the lifespan: Role of wisdom as a protective factor. International Psychogeriatrics, 33(10), 1097–1108. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1041610220000968

Murthy, V. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/loneliness

World Health Organization. (2023). Social isolation and loneliness. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/social-isolation-and-loneliness

Many people think of stress as something that happens in the mind – racing thoughts,
worry and emotional overwhelm. But the body is listening to everything, and when it
comes to trauma or chronic stress, the body doesn’t just listen, it remembers and holds
on.
When something overwhelming happens, your nervous system responds. Your heart
rate climbs, your breath quickens and your muscles tense. This is the fight-or-flight
response doing exactly what it evolved to do: keep you alive. The problem is that the
system doesn’t always know when to stop. If the stress is prolonged or the trauma
never gets processed, your body can get stuck searching for threat long after the
danger has passed. 
Chronic tension in the upper back, lingering digestive problems or fatigue that persists
despite adequate sleep may not point to a specific medical diagnosis. Instead, they
often signal a nervous system that has not yet returned to baseline – one that continues
to prepare for danger even in the absence of any immediate threat. 
This makes sense when you consider how deeply chronic stress affects the body.
Research shows that prolonged cortisol elevation can suppress immune function, fuel
inflammation and trigger autoimmune flares. The gut, sometimes called the second
brain, is especially reactive – bloating, stomach pains and appetite swings are common.
Hormones can drift out of balance, disrupting sleep and energy, and muscles can hold
tension for so long that they forget how to release. Your body isn’t broken; it’s still
responding to something that already ended.
Trauma adds another layer. People who have survived difficult experiences often
describe feeling like they can’t fully relax, even in safe environments. They might
experience unexplained pain, panic or a sense of being emotionally numb.
What often surprises people is that sometimes symptoms don’t show up until after the
difficult experience. You finally leave a stressful job or get out of a difficult relationship
and suddenly, your body falls apart. When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have the
ability to feel everything. Once you’re safer, the body starts to release and everything it
was holding comes to the surface. 
This is also an opportunity. Trauma-informed therapy works not just with thoughts and
emotions but with the body itself. Techniques like EMDR, somatic work, breathwork and
grounding exercises help regulate the nervous system and give it new information: the
threat is over and you can come back to balance now. As the internal sense of safety
builds, physical symptoms often begin to ease. Healing isn’t about pushing through. It’s
about staying still and giving your body the space to believe the danger is over.

Why are we in our own heads so much? And what can we do about it?

We think about ourselves frequently, don’t we? Sometimes incessantly. We think about our lives—our situations, our actions, our relationships—and then we think about the thoughts we’re having about what we’re thinking about. It’s no wonder we’re “in our own heads.” So why does it bother us?

Often our “thoughts about thoughts” are negative or self-limiting. They bring with them self-judgment, worry, depression, and more. We have fears, we see obstacles, and we live by rules we don’t even realize we have. This can all lead us to be on edge, to try to distract ourselves with videos, TikTok, gaming, or to try to soothe ourselves and relax with alcohol, gummies, or pills. These can help, but only for a short time, and not in the healthy ways we might want.

Our thoughts can also shape our feelings. When we feel anger, for example, we often scold ourselves for it because we’ve been taught that anger is unacceptable. Or we don’t express our needs, which results in resentment, because we judge ourselves as not important enough.

You could say that thinking about our thoughts is a normal part of being a rational person. Philosophers have long debated whether we are just a collection of sensations and reactions or something more. I believe that our ability to make meaning out of our sensations, perceptions, and life in general is what truly defines us as humans.

What form does your thinking about yourself take? If you are considering therapy, then maybe you want to change things up. Figure things out. Learn some skills. Find some new paths.

Therapy can help with all of those and more. It provides you with a safe space – a haven. Or since we’re in the desert, perhaps an oasis. You can talk in a non-judgmental space. You can practice saying what you think and hear it out loud. You can feel those feelings that might not have felt safe to feel before. You can work through being stuck and confused.

In therapy, we can discover ourselves and discover who we can be.

Whether you may partake in diet culture from time to time or have been struggling with an eating disorder (ED) for years, the holidays can be a difficult time for many of us when it comes to disordered eating and issues related to body image. It can also be a difficult season for those who come from dysfunctional family systems, and I believe that at times, many of us would be able to admit we fall into this category. Regardless of whether or not you have a relationship with your family of origin, both the presence of relational distress with family members you are in contact with or the absence of having them in your life following a cutoff, also known as estrangement, can cause an uptick in distress throughout this season. As for how relational distress regarding one’s family may impact their ED, the people closest to us often trigger us the most, and can add to distress related to disordered eating during this busy time. Maybe a fight with mom or dad leads one to self-soothe by bingeing an assortment of “unsafe foods” at home after a holiday party, or maybe a family member points out a shift in your weight, encouraging or discouraging this change, and the shame triggers the cycle of restricting, bingeing, and purging.

This blog post will discuss ways in which your family or friends may become your teammates during this challenging time and throughout your recovery journey of becoming a healthy balanced person. I invite you to send this to those who hold the role of your support system, and allow them the gift of supporting you in your journey. You do not have to endure this alone! 

Things to keep in mind during the holidays when your friend or family member is in recovery for an ED:

• Refrain from discussing weight at your holiday gatherings.

Whether the comments are about someone in your family in recovery for an ED, someone else you may know, or even a celebrity, discussions of both losing or gaining weight should be kept out of the conversation. These comments can both feed insecurities, shame, and guilt related to one’s shape or weight. Reinforcing societal stands and expectations for weight and shape by saying someone looks thin should no longer be socially acceptable, and it is up to us to start shifting this narrative. If you find yourself wanting to compliment someone, consider sharing something beyond their physical appearance. Asking questions about another person, such as “How is school going?” or “How has your fall been?” or “What books have you read recently?” are additional conversation starters outside of complementary language. 

• Refrain from gifting food or drinks, including alcoholic items.

Since alcoholism and EDs often appear comorbid, it is important to be mindful of the fact that alcohol can be a problematic substance for some individuals with EDs. Additionally, offering someone with an ED an alcoholic drink at a gathering may not be in their best interest. Gifting sweets or different food items can also be a slippery slope. If you want to give someone a holiday gift, consider something the person you are gifting to would appreciate, other than food or drinks, and try to make it personalized to their likes and interests! 

Things for those in recovery with an ED to keep in mind during the holiday season:

• Identify a support system of trusted individuals.

Eating disorders can be a silent killer, and many suffer in silence, turning towards self-isolation and hiding their disorder out of fear and shame. If you are currently seeing a therapist, talk to your therapist about how to go about disclosing your ED to trusted family members and friends and how to ask them for support. If not, take some time to journal about how you want this interaction to go. Once this conversation has happened, it is incredibly important to not just move forwards and never utilize them but instead actually learn to lean on them for emotional support. For those who are used to hiding their disorder, it will take time, honesty, and lots of vulnerability to allow yourself to be in this space but once you learn to do so, you will no longer be going through your ED or the holiday season alone. Remember, the holiday season is all about giving to others, and your support system is likely eager to offer their support now more than ever.

• Challenge yourself to not eat alone.

Identify at least one friend or family member, preferably someone who is already a part of your identified support system, to eat alongside. Communicate with them how you would like to eat alongside them and why to get your support person on board. Due to how secretive EDs can be, eating in front of someone else whom you are comfortable with can help hold you accountable to meet your nutrition goals. It can also help, as you may be less likely to fall into shame spirals while consuming food. 

• Communicate your needs.

No is a one-word answer. You can say no to alcohol, photos, or particular foods if these often trigger episodes. Over time, it would be helpful to work towards not viewing certain foods as “unsafe” and desensitizing oneself to any discomfort around taking photos; however, recovery is a journey, and you deserve to have a peaceful holiday with the least amount of triggers as possible. If you need time to emotionally regulate yourself in private, identify a place you can go, such as a bathroom, bedroom, or have a seat in your car to recharge your social and emotional battery. During this time, call upon your identified coping skills and set a 10-15 minute timer to allow yourself time to utilize them. The holiday season is all about giving to others; however, we cannot give from an empty cup. We must make nurturing ourselves a priority. 

• Make a plan.

Develop a plan for what coping skills you’d like to utilize before going out to holiday gatherings and after coming home. It is easy to get wrapped up in the business of this season, yet when we factor in time for self-care, nurturing, and emotional regulation, we are setting ourselves up for the most peaceful time possible. Of course, we cannot control others’ emotions, but we can care for ours by committing to this plan of action.

• Join a free peer support group or get matched with a free recovery mentor through ANAD: https://anad.org/.  

Before starting my doctoral program, I spent almost two years volunteering as a recovery mentor for ANAD. Recovery mentors meet with mentees about once a week for 6 months and receive supervision for their mentorship. Mentees can also reach out to mentors outside of their scheduled weekly call for support if needed. If you decide to use either of these two wonderful resources, a support group or a mentorship, they may be utilized as an additional support system to lean on when family and/or ED-related distress arises during this time. As many of us know who are familiar with EDs, it is not often the food itself that creates an ED, but rather the trauma and distress that’s just below the surface, which manifests as an ED.

In a world that glorifies hustle and productivity, we often forget to pause. We move from task to task, constantly planning the next achievement. With this future focus, we take time away from ourselves and enjoying the present. At times I feel myself living in the future. I find it helpful to reflect on how I care for myself and my needs. Having clear examples of self-care and grounding techniques is helpful for me to reflect on, so I wanted to share these tools with others.

I’ve noticed that self-care can sometimes carry a negative connotation. Self-care doesn’t need to be expensive or aesthetic. It’s simply any act that gently tells you: ‘I matter.’

Examples of this may include:

• Sitting outside in the sun
• Doing a digital detox
• Journaling
• Listening to comforting music
• Drawing/painting/anything creative
• Taking a long shower/bath
• Engaging in physical activity (walking, running, Pilates, any form of movement that feels fulfilling)
• Yoga/gentle stretching
• Wearing comfy clothes
• Taking a short nap
• Light a candle
• Stay hydrated

And the list can go on and on. Self-care is most effective when it is something realistic and enjoyable that you can incorporate into your routine.

I also consider grounding and mindfulness to be a part of my own self-care. Grounding
involves focusing on the present moment and relieving overwhelming emotions. There are hundreds of grounding techniques out there, but some of my favorites include:

• 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Method: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
• Butterfly hug: Cross your arms across your chest. Interlace your fingers, creating a
  butterfly-like shape with your arms. Alternate tapping your fingertips on your upper
  arms, mimicking the fluttering motion of a butterfly’s wings. Focus on the slow inhale of your breath and deep exhale. Continue until you feel calmer and grounded.
• Box breathing: Get in a comfortable position. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4. Hold your breath for 4. Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of 4. Continue until you feel calmer and more grounded.
• Progressive muscle relaxation: While sitting in a comfortable space, breathe deeply and begin to curl your toes and tense the muscles in your feet. Keep this tension for 5-10 seconds and then slowly release, noticing how that release feels. Move up to the next muscle group, like the lower legs, and repeat. Continue this process until you work your way up to your face and head. Tense, release, notice.
• Hold a piece of ice: What does it feel like in your hands? How does that feeling change as the ice melts?
• Notice your body: How do your feet feel on the floor? Are your arms stiff or loose? Is your stomach full or hungry?
• Connect with nature: Sit in the grass. Soak in the sun. Touch a tree.

In busy periods of life, these tools may slip away, but it’s helpful to come back to them. Here, you can reflect on values and the importance of putting yourself first so you can show up as a healthy, balanced person in work, school, and relationships. What I’ve learned for myself is that I cannot show up authentically unless I make an active effort to care for myself. I encourage you to find self-care and grounding techniques that work for you and even to try out some of my favorites. As we move into the busy holiday season, I know these techniques will be increasingly important, so I encourage you to set aside time to care for yourself. What’s one small thing you can do today that reminds you that you matter? It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to feel right for you.

In the wake of Diane Keaton’s death, I have felt moved by the immense outpouring of heartfelt tributes honoring her. Sure, when any Hollywood legend dies, tributes follow, but in Diane’s case, remembrances of her life and impact appear to be infused with a certain je nai se quois. Maybe it’s that they feel imbued with more heart and warmth than is common. Or maybe it’s more gratitude and impact. 

Whatever it is, it’s something, and this something has sparked within me a curiosity about Diane, her life, and how she lived it. My curiosity has led me to learning that she was a woman who wore–both literally and figuratively–many hats, including that of accomplished actress, director, fashion icon, singer, photographer, philanthropist, author, real estate developer, and historic home restorationist.

I have also discovered that, like the consistency of Diane’s eccentric style, her palpable authenticity appears to have been a constant, no matter the avenue of expression or decade in which it was captured. As I continue to learn more about her–through tributes, delightful interviews, and her many works of art–I find my clinical mind contemplating the concept of Self Energy, as defined by Internal Family Systems therapy.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) explains that we all have Self Energy, which is the natural essence of who we are–and are able to be–when not overly influenced by stress, fear, or inner criticism. When tapped into this core state of being, we tend to feel centered, self-assured, secure, spontaneous, and at ease. To help capture the somewhat esoteric idea of what it means to be in our Self Energy, IFS uses a framework known as the “8 C’s” and “5 P’s”.

The 8 C’s include calmness, curiosity, compassion, clarity, courage, connectedness, creativity, and confidence, and the 5 P’s include presence, persistence, playfulness, perspective, and patience. When I think of these attributes of Self Energy, I cannot help but think of Diane Keaton and how she seemed to embody so many of them. While watching old interviews is a surefire way to experience her Self Energy, clues of its presence are also woven throughout the many tributes shared by those who knew and worked with her. 

Diane’s playfulness was acknowledged by Leonardo Dicaprio, who said “[she] was one of a kind. Brilliant, funny, and unapologetically herself. A legend, an icon, and a truly kind human being.” Josh Gad also described her as “ruthlessly funny.”

Her ability to connect was captured by Octavia Spencer, who said, “the pathos, humor, levity, your ever-present youthfulness and vulnerability–you tattooed your SOUL into every role,” and by Kadee Strickland who described Diane as “welcoming, kind, [and] so very focused.”

Diane had a presence about her that Mary Steenburgen described as “magic. There was no one, nor will there ever be, anyone like her. What a wonder she was!!!” And Jane Fonda referred to her as “a spark of life and light.”

She was well known for her creativity in many domains, and it was Francis Ford Coppola who perhaps summed this up best by saying that “everything about Diane was creativity personified.” Jane Fonda also called her “limitlessly creative.”

Diane had a unique perspective, which was expressed in a number of ways, including her movie roles, fashion sense, and photography. Rita Wilson shared that “every time I met Diane she was laughing, smiling, creating, observing, reflecting.”

Throughout her life, Diane’s confidence and courage were throughlines. Bette Midler expressed that “[Diane] was a complete original… what you saw was who she was.” Josh Gad described her as a “maverick,” and Octavia Spencer acknowledged that “we lost a true original. [She] wasn’t just an actress: she was a force. A woman who showed us that being yourself is the most powerful thing you can be. Thank you, Diane, for reminding us that authenticity never goes out of fashion.”

While much more could be said about Diane’s embodiment of Self Energy, Paramount Pictures distilled her essence nicely: “Diane Keaton established herself as a cinematic icon by doing the most daring thing of all: being wholly herself. [She] captivated audiences with her wit and authenticity, she won our hearts through her irreverence and fearless individuality.” And The Academy described her as having “embodied the contradictions of being human: funny and fragile, bright and bruised, always achingly honest. For decades, she filled every frame with warmth, wit, and wonder.” 

The curious paradox of death is that it illuminates life. And Diane Keaton’s death has illuminated, in a brilliant, incandescent way, just how she lived… with deep presence, playfulness, and perspective; with creativity, courage, confidence, and a profound connectedness to herself and others. Through Diane’s example, may we each be inspired to make deeper contact with our own Self Energy and its expression. 

Sources:

Carson, L. (2025, October 11). Hollywood pays tribute to Diane Keaton: “We lost a true original.” The Hollywood Reporter.

Diane Keaton Dead: Celebrity Reactions, Hollywood Tributes.

Rizzo, A. (2021, November 22). Self in IFS therapy: What it is, what are the 8 C’s and the 5 P’s of self. Therapy with Alessio.

Self in IFS Therapy – what it is, what are the 8 C’s and the 5 P’s of Self — Therapy with Alessio

I remember when my kids were in elementary school and life had finally hit a predictable pace; I knew at the time there was an expiration date to all of it, that someday they’d certainly leave; I’d tell myself, yes, but it’s not right now. Right now, I get spend that time and watch them experience life. And then I told myself I’ll get another year, and another year – that false sense of control, or at least what feels like control. Steady comfort, until there’s not another year left, or another month, because it’s right here, it’s 3 weeks.

In 3 weeks, the need for me will be different. The youngest will go to college out-of-state and there’s a lot I won’t know or experience with him. He’s going to know people I don’t know, people I’ll never meet or hear about. People who will shape and develop him. I’ll have to figure out how to stay connected from afar. The need for me will be different. And this is good.

There’s a term in my profession called “individuation”, a natural time where young adults rebel (not necessarily in the destructive sense but in the definition sense – Google definition: “to rise in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or ruler.”) in order to discover who they are separate from everyone. The implication in the “rising” is the growing – the elevating of this changing, separate, whole person.

So, that’s it. My youngest is rising and now I’m looking at me. What am I doing? Am I rising? Am I growing? I haven’t had to fully think about me for a long time, 18 years, longer.

It’s not that there’s been NO growth or self-focus over these 18 plus years, it’s just that I focused on them more. Now that’s changing.

And I’m not alone.

The truth is that life puts an empty nest in front of everyone – some loss that suddenly shifts the sense of life as they knew it. Something or someone there who is no longer there. Spouses, significant others, parents, jobs, school, friends, and not even in the obvious ways change shows up, but in the quiet ways when it’s just not the same anymore. Or someone isn’t the same anymore. What follows can be grief, fear, uncertainty, anger; however, maybe, there can be a rebel side to this empty nest; a rising where there is hope, anticipation and excitement.

Keeping the nest empty may feel safe for some, maybe more secure. However, the stuckness that is certain to follow can feel aimless and debilitating. To take aim, we need to face and…

Fill the Nest:

• Call old friends and family
• Spend time with current friends and family
• Learn a new language
• Go to school
• Go back to school
• Advance your knowledge and expertise in your profession
• Read books
• Write
• Take dance classes
• Learn a sport
• Change careers
• Learn a musical instrument
• Join a group or a club
• Ask for help
• Travel
• Laugh
• Wear different kinds of clothing or different colors than you normally wear
• Change your hairstyle
• Volunteer
• Mentor
• Play
• Live

Face the fear. Rebel. Rise. FILL the nest.

This probably sounds familiar. You sit down to watch your favorite show, and before you know it, you’re rewinding because notifications on your phone stole your attention. For me, it was the survival series Alone. I missed a medical evacuation while reading about a hot dog eating contest. I missed a contestant’s run-in with a bear because of a baseball score alert. I even missed a big plot twist thanks to a shipping notification email. My evening wasn’t the uninterrupted time I was expecting.

And it turns out, there’s a name for this constant slicing and dicing of our attention: Time Confetti (Shulte, 2014). Technology is supposed to make life easier, right? Over the last decade, productivity has crept upward, helped along by our phones and other tools. But here’s the catch: while we’re getting more done at work, those same devices are fueling anxiety and crowding out our free time. This is part of something called The Autonomy Paradox.We adopt mobile technology to gain freedom over where and how we work, but it ends up meaning we are constantly available and bombarded with notifications. Layer in the 24-hour news cycle, social media updates, and a never-ending flow of texts, and it’s no wonder we have less uninterrupted time than ever.

Confetti sounds fun except when it’s everywhere. When I first saw the phrase Time Confetti, I pictured using little bits of free time to boost my mental health. Journalist and author Brigid Schulte (2014) coined the term, but instead of a celebration, it describes the tiny, inconsistent, numerous, interruptions from our phone.One or two pieces of confetti aren’t a big deal. But dump a whole bucket of it in your living room, and you’ll be finding stray bits for months. That’s what our brains are dealing when we get so many notifications. The problem is that the “confetti” is buzzing, dinging, and lighting up our screens.

The numbers are worse than you think. How many notifications do you get in an hour? Go ahead, I’ll wait while you count. The average person receives 146 push notifications per day, more the younger you are (Franklin, 2024). Push notifications are those that show up on your phone, typically on your lock screen, whether you are using an app or not. That’s roughly one every ten minutes if we spread them evenly over 24 hours.If each notification takes just 30 seconds of attention, that’s nearly 8% of your day. That’s almost 2 hours spent on notifications alone. And that doesn’t even account for the mental reset time it takes to get back into whatever you were doing, or the emotional toll if those alerts are stressful like bad news headlines or urgent work messages.

Why is all this important when we think about our mental health? The American Psychiatric Association reports that 43% of adults in 2024 felt more anxious than the year before, with technology’s impact on daily life listed as a concern (Boston College, 2020). When our leisure time is chopped into fragments, rest stops feeling restorative.The result? Higher burnout risk, more anxiety, and less capacity to focus on the things that matter. Like actually enjoying that TV show you sat down to watch or connecting with a friend or loved one.  

Time to sweep up those confetti pieces. Here’s how to start reclaiming your time and attention, reducing your anxiety, and improving your mental health.

• Audit your alerts. Track how many notifications you get in a day. The number is often higher than you think, and just knowing is a good first step.

• Cut the noise. Decide which alerts are essential. Switch some apps from “push” (instant) notifications to passive ones you check manually. Your future self will thank you.

• Create phone-free time. Set aside phone-free time in the evenings or weekends. Put your phone in another room. Try it as a family and see what happens when you interact in person.

• Go on a news diet. If the news is stressing you out, take a break or limit your intake. You might try a daily news digest like 1440 or a good-news-only site for a mood boost.

• Protect your focus at work. Block out calendar time for deep work and mute notifications during those hours.

• Get support if needed. If anxiety from constant connectivity feels unmanageable, a therapist can help you develop coping strategies and set healthy boundaries.

The bottom line is that we can’t avoid every ping, buzz, or alert. However, we can control how much of our mental space we let them take up. A little intentionality goes a long way toward turning your day back into something whole instead of a big mess of confetti.

References:

Boston College. (2020, November). COVID-19’s toll on mental health: Anxiety and stress spike during pandemic. BC News – Campus & Community. Retrieved August 10, 2025, from Boston College website: Boston College researchers found that reports of anxiety increased to 50 percent and depression to 44 percent by November 2020—rates six times higher than 2019. https://www.bc.edu/content/bc-web/bcnews/campus-community/faculty/anxiety-and-stress-spike-during-pandemic/

Franklin, N. (2024, May 29). People receive a phone notification every ten minutes on average. Workplace Insight. https://workplaceinsight.net/people-receive-a-phone-notification-every-ten-minutes-on-average/

Schulte, B. (2014). Overwhelmed: Work, love & play when no one has the time. Sarah Crichton Books.