Okay, I know I am going to sound old and cranky here, but I can’t help but notice how loud most restaurants are these days. I love going out to eat with friends and family. I love trying new foods and breaking bread with those I love. I love slowing down over a meal and having a chance to visit for an extended time with people as a break from our busy lives. Eating out has gotten more expensive, but I still like the idea of trying new places and as much as I like cooking, it’s nice to have the option of focusing on the food and the togetherness more than the preparation and clean up.

However, in the past year at least, I have been having a harder and harder time coming up with ideas for places I can go with others and actually be able to HEAR them while we are together. If I am out with a small group, I generally resign myself to knowing that I will really only be able to exchange words with those immediately next to me. Sometimes, the experience leaves me feeling like I miss those I saw but couldn’t talk with even more than if I hadn’t seen them at all.

I looked up some articles online and saw that restauranteurs want a certain level of excitement and ambience in their spaces so that it feels like their establishment is a fun place to gather. I can appreciate that, and I love the cozy feel of background music and warm chatter. But the music has gotten louder and there is less emphasis on sound dampening in dining rooms, in favor of enhancing the party vibe. Could it be that this is part of the societal shift to create places for hip social media posts with vibrant selfies and exotic food photos, and a movement away from deeper connection with those around us?
I don’t think there is a restaurant conspiracy afoot, but I do think we need to be mindful of the way our recent culture has encouraged us to be together without really BEING together. There are times for loud parties and times for quieter gatherings, and I would love to still be able to have these quieter gatherings in public dining spaces. Humans are social animals and connection nourishes and heals us. The ability to co-regulate with each other over relaxed meals and calm exchanges is scientifically proven to be good for our bodies. So let’s be sure to be intentional about making time for these opportunities and find, ask for, or even create spaces to make this happen. Thanks for considering this and allowing me space for my middle-aged rant!

When I was on my mindful walk last week in the 102° weather, I became acutely aware of how sad I will be to stop going on these walks. Summers in Arizona are tough. The intense heat drains the energy out of many of life’s usual rhythms—even something as simple and cherished as going for a walk. I noticed myself grieving something I’ve come to deeply love: my mindful walks.

These walks aren’t about getting steps in or checking something off a to-do list. Once a week, I walk the same route with no music, no podcast, no dog, no AirPods—just me. It’s a 30-minute journey that becomes a moving journal entry, a quiet conversation with myself. Instead of moving through my neighborhood on autopilot, I slow down. I notice the small things: the soft pink of a new flower, the subtle shift in the shape of the clouds, the buzz of restaurant patios filled with laughter and clinking glasses. But the awareness doesn’t stop at what’s outside. It turns inward. Without distractions, I become aware of what’s moving through me—anxiety, gratitude, grief, fatigue. I meet those parts of myself gently, without needing to fix or rush past them.

Here’s the thing that struck me on that hot day: This presence is always available to me. That perspective shift is at the heart of mindfulness. As Jon Kabat-Zinn describes, mindfulness is “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Mindfulness helps lower anxiety, improves focus, supports emotional regulation, and can even reduce symptoms of depression. It’s not a quick fix, but rather a practice that gently strengthens our ability to return to ourselves. That means I don’t need a perfect setting—or ideal weather—to be present. I just need to notice. Yes, it’s natural to feel resistance or even grief when something meaningful changes. I still feel a longing for the simple joy of those walks.

But now I ask myself: Can I notice the heat with the same curiosity I offer a blooming flower? Can I tune in to what this season—literal and emotional—is inviting me to pay attention to? Even indoors, I can find moments to return to the present. The sound of water as I wash dishes, the warmth of a coffee mug in my hands, the pit in my stomach before seeing a long-lost friend, the steady rhythm of my breath. Mindfulness doesn’t erase discomfort. It invites us to sit with it. To breathe with it. To listen to what it’s trying to tell us. Even if I can’t walk outside this summer, I can walk inward. I can return to the present moment, wherever I am.

This morning, as I drove to work, I found myself deeply moved by an audiobook recommended by a friend: “The Amen Effect” by Sharon Brous. In the opening chapters, she reflects on her grandmother’s powerful rule about the importance of showing up—not just during moments of joy, but also in times of sorrow. Her words resonated with me, reminding me of a lesson I learned from my mom.
I vividly recall the weeks leading up to my wedding when my mom reached out to friends who had expressed their regrets about attending, citing the challenges of traveling from Boston to Arizona during a busy work season. She was direct and clear about her feelings: “If you would show up for my funeral, then you should show up for my celebration; don’t just show up when I’m dead.” Her words must have resonated, as her friends quickly changed their RSVPs and booked their flights.

Listening to Sharon recount her own experience, I felt a wave of emotion, I makeup at least in part because my mom is no longer alive. She passed away only five years after my wedding, far too early, and her funeral was one of the largest gatherings I have ever attended. On that day, there was no doubt that people showed up—including those wedding guests I mentioned.

In my work as a therapist, the concept of showing up—especially during challenging times of grief, sadness, and hurt—is fundamental to fostering empathy. I often share a metaphor with those I work with: when your partner, friend, or family member is in pain, imagine they are adrift in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean. While you may have done the hard work to make it to dry land, or maybe you’ve been there all along, it can feel like you’re standing on the shore, looking out at them and saying, “Come on! It’s so much better over here! Join me! I’m even happy to help you do the hard work of getting ashore. What I can’t do, however, is get into that boat with you—especially if I was the one who put you there in the first place. Why? Well, your hurt, your pain, your discomfort, is just too much for me to handle.” While undoubtedly challenging, it is important to understand that ultimately, what we need as human beings in times of hardship, as much as in times of happiness, is someone to show up, and not by fixing the problem or making it go away. Showing up means swimming out to that boat and being willing to stay there for as long as it takes for our loved ones to be ready to come out themselves. It’s about laughing, crying, and screaming together, ensuring they don’t have to shoulder their burdens alone.

As I sat in my car this morning, tears streaming down my face, I was tempted to turn off the audiobook—a literal attempt to turn down the volume of my own grief. But as I reached for the pause button, I considered the importance of not just showing up for others, but also for myself. Slowly, I lowered my hand and made my choice. Instead of abandoning myself in that moment of sadness, I chose to consider my need for someone to show up and decided to come alongside of myself.

I have typically not embraced the New Year as a significant transition point. I enjoy the year in review summaries to reminisce on the prior year events but not found the motivation or purpose in setting goals for the year. Goal setting has always been an ongoing process for me, an ongoing evolution of direction. While friends who create vision boards or thoughtfully create goals for the year have always been impressive to me, it has never inspired me to do so, it just never fit.

While this past year has not generated the motivation to set goals for 2025, it did gain my attention. There have been significant losses, medical issues, and no small amount of anxiety producing situations. As a result, 2024 is one I am looking forward to putting behind me. Yet, here I sit into the first few weeks of January feeling some of the same feelings of last year – overwhelm and discouragement. Perhaps my dismissal of punctuating the New Year is not serving me well, or this is a reminder the idea of simply leaving the past behind is not reasonable.

Although I would dearly love to leave the year behind and move into a glorious new year, the one we call 2025, the first two weeks are not promising indicators. I decided to try something different this year, the art of reflection. For some of you who already practice this skill, congratulations. Reflecting on my losses, I realize I have made new friends and deepened existing friendships. Medical crises have led me to slow and focus on the needs of those I most love. The inability to resolve the anxiety provided an invitation to greater embrace the concept of powerlessness. For someone who is accustomed to accomplishing what he sets his mind to, the latter has proven most helpful in calming my soul.

You may ask how reflection impacts my overwhelm and discouragement? Well, on one hand it certainly has not absolved me of those feelings. On the other hand, I notice the learning over this past year helps me engage life with more patience and understanding, greater self-compassion and compassion for others, and equally important a sense of hope in acknowledging even the most difficult circumstances offer profound opportunity for personal growth and connecting with those around us.

A new year is something that begins with creating resolutions, goals for the future, and brings a renewed sense of energy and motivation. One consistency through each new year that I have observed, is the idea on everyone’s mind: “What can change look like for me this year?”. Desired change is something that feels exciting and hopeful. These goals are often set with the best intentions and the aspirations to be even greater than you were last year. Unexpected change often creates a different outcome, mentally, behaviorally, and emotionally. When change is unexpected it tends to create stress, overwhelm, pressure, and hardship. The ways in which we handle that unexpected change is essential to developing a stronger sense of well-being.

At the start of 2024, I had expectations and a set plan for what my year would have looked like. As I moved through the year, there were many unexpected changes that brought adversity, grief, challenge, and created a different outcome than what I had expected. The more shifts that occurred throughout my year, the more I found myself judging where I was versus where I had wanted to be. I became caught up with how my reality was so different from my expectations. I found myself focusing on my “shortcomings”, instead of on all of the great things that I had learned about myself, and appreciating the resilience it took to get through the pain that this past year brought me.

When a person has focused so much on the expectations they’ve set for them self, there is unnecessary pressure put on the goal or outcome they had in mind. There is a tendency, as humans, to focus on what wasn’t achieved, instead of acknowledging the strength that it took to overcome the barriers that got in the way of achieving the set goal.

The biggest lesson I learned in 2024 is: what will be, will be. Change is not always expected or hoped for, but it is something that happens in life. The most important reminder that we can give ourselves is that change can bring incredible knowledge about how resilient we are, what our capabilities can be, and allows us to develop a deeper understanding of Self. I now know, I am able to embrace all of the unexpected change that the New Year may bring, and can understand the ways in which to acknowledge my strength, instead of focusing on what may not have been achieved.

If you are reading this, it’s highly likely that you have heard of the idea of “New Years Resolutions” and have also heard the highly optimistic phrase “New Year, New Me.” I have begun to ponder why there’s such a busyness and bustle about these ideas so much so that gym memberships flourish at the start of every year. I wonder what it would be like to face the New Year with the same you and no grand new resolutions and simply a resolve to be.

I’ve noticed that what we all need most is not usually another goal, self-help book, or dramatic new self-care routine plan. Maybe it would be to our benefit if we chose to simply be. That is not to say there are no redeeming qualities in these things or ideas but in a world so saturated with messaging about who, what, and how we should be in 5 easy steps right at our fingertips 24/7 we are so often driven to overwhelm, burnout, anxiety, and this nagging feeling that we are not enough. These things are largely unhelpful and rarely bring any meaningful change we actually want in our lives.

The real challenge and gift to ourselves lies in simply being who we are. This is hard because we’re used to being always occupied with something. Often with the unconscious plan to avoid seeing ourselves because busyness has taken up all the space. We must find a way to get comfortable with what is happening inside our heads, hearts, and bodies. If we are not taking the time to do these things and be with ourselves, how can we possibly know what we need? How can we set resolutions or declare a “new me” if we do not know what is happening within us? The truth is we cannot.

My proposal is to set these things aside and instead this next year commit to being. I have a hunch that what will emerge is the same you. My hope is that there will be a shift to more awareness, compassion, and grace for yourself. A comfort developed with what is happening inside your head, heart, and body. Maybe even a realization that you probably do not need a “new” you because perhaps in doing so you find you become more intentional about who you choose to be.

I have been thinking a lot lately about stress and pressure and how all encompassing it can be. I see it everyday as a student and as an intern at PCS. The external pressures that come from every angle externally. The societal, familial and peer pressures to live up to a certain standard, to be something that was modeled to you either implicitly or explicitly. All of these pressures can have a compounding effect, each one adding to the weight of the feeling of not being enough.

The result of these compounding pressures is a sort of Sisyphean masochism wherein we are perpetually striving to be THAT much better in the eyes of others. If we just change one more thing about ourselves in order to fit the mold we believe others want us to fit, only then we will be complete. Satisfied because we have reached this imaginary template of what we believe others think we ought to be. The result of this chase is a perpetual treadmill of futile self-actualization, with internal psychological conflict being the unfortunate by-product.

The issue here is not the motivation itself. Change is inevitable. Change is what drives us forward and what makes life worth experiencing. Change is something worth striving for in the name of growth in every sense of the word. The problem is with the underlying motivation to change. It takes careful self-inspection and reflection on the forces which have influenced you throughout your life to recognize where your motivation for change truly lies. Whether those be your parents, siblings, peers, teachers, bosses, etc. Pay attention to the messages you have received throughout your life and ask the question: “Is this my standard or someone else’s?”

I have come to the realization that for most of my life has been marred by the anxiety of reaching a certain standard to please others. As I attempt to shed that burden there is an undeniable component that must be fulfilled as a duty to yourself within this process. Grace. Grace and kindness toward yourself is paramount. Once you can begin to have empathy for yourself, the weight of external pressures can begin to lift. I have noticed once I presented this thought to myself, life has begun transitioning from an arduous journey, to just a journey. A journey you deserve to experience fully and completely. You owe it to yourself.

Humans are herd animals. That is, we are hardwired for connection and togetherness. We depend on being connected to physically survive, and we absolutely need it in order to thrive psychologically, physiologically, emotionally, and socially.

So what is connection? It comes from the Latin word connectere which means to “fasten together” or “bind together.” As a verb, connection means “to bring together or into contact so that a real or notional link is established.”

In the absence of real connection, we quite literally risk death. Nowhere else has this been illustrated so clearly as in King Frederick II’s 13th-century experiment, where babies were fed, clothed, and changed by nurses, but otherwise not allowed to be touched or spoken to. The experiment, which had intended to discover what language children would learn to speak if never spoken to, ended prematurely because no babies survived long enough to develop language skills.

What the Frederick experiment illuminates is the absolutely essential nature of human connection. It is not enough to be physical fed, clean, warm, and kept safe from predators. We must also be held and heard. As herd animals—or maybe it ought to be heard animals—we are hardwired for meaningful connection. We need it, and in a number of ways, if we are to truly flourish in life.

Connection to Others… begins when our life begins. Healthy connection tends to look and feel like closeness, support, compassion, empathy, caring, curiosity, joy, nurturance, safety, co-regulation, attunement, peace, honesty, understanding, acceptance, commitment, collaboration, communication, and love.

While healthy connection breeds wellness, and even healing, unhealthy connection breeds distress, and even disease. As the African Proverb goes, “The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it to feel its warmth.” We have a vital need to belong. To be with. So we instinctively resort to utilizing whatever means we have available to ensure our basic need for connection is met.

Connection to Self… is born out of healthy connection with others. In healthy families, attuned parents act as mirrors for their children, helping them to gradually see, know, and grow into more of who they genuinely are. Much like a tree grows deeper and more rooted as it expands upward and outward, so too does a child who is well-anchored in their relationships with both self and others.

In less healthy families, misattuned parents may overlook or override their child’s needs, preferences, and traits, which leads to a disconnect between who the child actually is and who the child thinks they need to be in order to feel loved, accepted, and safe. This chasm between who a person actually is and how they have learned to present themselves is not only a source of great inner conflict but of deep psychic pain. And it is the pain of this misalignment that often drives people—consciously or not—into therapy.

Because it hurts to be anything other than who we truly are. To be anything other than connected to one’s innermost essence. Just like we need real connection with others to both survive and thrive, we need authentic connection with our own selves to prosper. In its absence, we not only deteriorate, but sometimes we even die (possibly by suicide).

Connection to Something Greater… arises through any pursuit, cause, or idea that infuses life with meaning and purpose. While spiritual and religious traditions are one route for accessing Something Greater, many people make equally meaningful contact with Something Greater via purely secular pursuits. It might be traversing through nature, volunteering with animals, raising kind children, being a servant leader, having a well-defined “Why,” or engaging in human rights advocacy that fosters a feeling of being connected to something beyond one’s own self and/or lifespan. Whatever it is, it’s a necessary domain of connection because we are hardwired herd creatures… who also happen to have fancy frontal lobes. So while we need to belong to someone, we also need to belong to something.

Connection to the present moment… is perhaps the straightest path to deeper, more rewarding connection to ourselves, others, and Something Greater. To be immersed in the moment that is actually happening is to be in the center of the eye of the storm of life. It is how we find stillness amidst chaos. It is where we come back home to ourselves. It is when we hear the subtle voice of our own inner wisdom speaking to us. It is where we plug our heart fully into the heart of another. And it is how we find awe and wonder in what stretches infinitely beyond ourselves and our finite time on earth.

The season is changing, and coming with it is the shift into the holidays. While the holiday season can be wonderful, there are often many stressors. Some people struggle around their families. For others, the holidays are a painful reminder of a difficult time. If you struggle to manage your stress and obligations, here are some tips.

Keep up With Self-care

You’ve heard it before, but it’s worth the reminder because keeping up with our self-care is critical to maintaining our mental health when we’re stressed. Not getting exercise, not sleeping enough, and consistently eating poorly will impact our mental health. One strategy for keeping a routine going is to ensure we don’t miss more than one day. The more days missed, the harder it is to get the routine going again.

Get Good at Saying No

It is easy to become overscheduled, thinking we must say yes to every invitation. The reality is that saying yes to everything can be detrimental to our well-being. It’s okay to say no to or limit time at events that will have a negative mental health impact.

Talk With Your Therapist

There is no substitute for being proactive. You know yourself best and talking over some strategies with your therapist will help you stay on track. If you regularly see a therapist, try not to skip your regular sessions.

Find New Traditions

Traditions are a great way to honor our past or create a new way of moving forward. Sometimes, we must let go of old traditions that no longer serve us and create new traditions that keep us happier and healthier. If a loved one was lost around the holidays or this was a special time for them, why not create a new tradition in their honor? The time can remain special by always remembering that person in a way that celebrates their uniqueness. Traditions from our parents or other family members may no longer be healthy for us to maintain. If that’s the case, find something new that works for you.

Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away

During the holidays, we often find ourselves with people who we might not otherwise choose to be around. Not everyone deserves your attention. Walk away from people who put you down, make you feel unsafe, or are otherwise unhealthy for you to be around. Just because someone is a family member does not give them the right to treat you poorly. This doesn’t mean walking away from every upsetting conversation but having appropriate boundaries around how we’re treated.

Keep Kindness First

You may encounter many people this winter who are suffering for one reason or another. It may be a rude person in the grocery store or a relative at a family gathering. Either way, you have an opportunity to respond with kindness, and if appropriate, curiosity. Rather than hanging on to someone’s rude behavior or comments, try and look through their perspective and see why they might be struggling. This doesn’t mean being a doormat but rather, asking ourselves “how important is it?” How important is it that I allow this person to occupy space in my mind and take up mental energy that could be best suited for other uses?

Start Planning for Next Year

If you have not had a holiday plan in the past, or if the holiday season always seems to go awry, it’s time to start making a plan for next year. Start by noticing what parts of this time of year are most painful for you. What thoughts are coming up when times are hard? Is there always conflict with particular family members? Do you routinely become stressed from being overscheduled? As we notice what aspects of the holiday season are most painful, we can work toward keeping ourselves healthier the next year.