For many years, research has shown that the practice of pro-active self-care will lead to better physical and emotional health. We have more control over our health outcomes than many realize. The mind and body are closely linked. Therefore, we can exert control in various areas to improve our health and well-being.
The following items are areas which indicate that we can improve our health, thus improving our daily functioning.
Blood Pressure: Control of blood pressure has significant positive impact in lessening the development of physical illness and cognitive disability.
Exercise: Studies show that aerobic exercise increases blood flow to the brain helping maintain healthier brain tissue and lessening cognitive decline. Exercise is an invaluable addition to aiding ability to concentrate, focus, and improve executive functioning.
Cognitive Training: Research show that higher levels of education or cognitive self-improvement increases the development of cognitive reserve which assists the brain’s ability to slow neurologic damage. Suggested activities to lessen brain shrinkage are: • Reading • Connecting with people • Developing and engaging in hobbies • Volunteering • Practicing spirituality
Diet: Food with low level of fats and added sugars are shown to promote both physical and emotional health. Some special diets that promote good physical and emotional heath can be found online. They are as follows: the Mediterranean Diet, the Dash Diet and the Mind Diet.
Sleep: Studies indicate that sleep strengthens some brain synapses(connections) while diminishing others. Another theory suggests that sleep eliminates toxic substances that can cause disease. Healthy sleep habits contribute to improved brain health.
Meditation and Mindfulness: To enable a person to be more at peace with themselves, and to be positive in daily living will promote clarity in brain functioning.
Spirituality: Helps individuals find hope and meaning in their lives.
Developing healthy habits has shown to preserve brain health. Ongoing studies emphasize the value of proper nutrition with diminished sugar intake, weight and blood pressure control. Computer brain training can challenge the brain and help improve memory.
The above contribute to improving mental acuity and executive functioning.
Remember, these are guidelines that individuals can use to improve well-being in a positive and pro-active manner in order to achieve brain health.
Sources:
Anne Tergesen “What Science Tells Us About Preventing Dementia”, The Wall Street Journal, November 18, 2019
Meghann Finn Sepulveda “Transform your Well-Being,” Arizona Republic, May 2017
Hypnosis got the reputation of brainwashing and mind control. Sometimes it is associated with sin.
Historically speaking, in the 1780’s thousands of people went to see Anton Mesmer, who was later labeled by the establishment as a fraud and a charlatan.
Mesmer left us with:
The concept of mesmerizing (derived from his name)
The fear that hypnotism is fake.
So… can you make me bark or can’t you?
Since I assume you do not want to bark, the answer is NO.
Clinical Hypnosis is from the same family of guided imagery, mindfulness, and meditation. When we are being hypnotized:
We are aware of what is going on
We can hear everything around the room (and yet we choose to listen within)
We can open our eyes if we want to (and yet it feels better to close them and look inward.)
We can snap out of it in a moment
We can remember it later
We are in total control over our mind and body.
In fact, the more we allow ourselves to relax – the deeper we can get into trance state.
Being in trance state means having focus awareness.
The deeper we are in trance state – the more we can explore what we want to explore.
By bypassing the conscious mind, we speak directly to the unconscious mind, which contains our automatic behaviors. Those are estimated to be 85% of our behaviors.
In other words, speaking directly to the unconscious mind allows us to heighten desired suggestions and gain more control over our emotions, mind, and body.
Therefore, in a weird way, hypnotizing is actually:
De-hypnotizing (from our automatic behaviors).
And self-hypnotizing (since we are in total control).
So… if you do not want to bark- what do you want?
Clinical Hypnosis can help with stress and anxiety relief, insomnia, weight loss, pain, self-esteem, and much more.
I cannot make you do anything. Your brain made sure YOU CAN!
During a summer trip to the mountains I found myself contemplating the river I sat next to. The constant movement and flow over and around rocks and boulders as it winded down the valley. The sound the water generated as it traveled was both soothing and enveloping. A few days prior I visited an alpine lake and marveled at the tranquility. Hiking the perimeter of the lake led to a river which fed it and on the other end a river that flowed from it. I reflected on how the lake was fed from the energy of the river which then melted away as it was absorbed by the lake only to once again resume its active journey as a river on the other end.
The river serves as a metaphor for my life, particularly my professional life. While it is true there have always been small eddy’s with calm water during my journey, rarely have I experienced the serenity of the alpine lake. I have been either constantly moving or avoiding. An alpine lake is fed by fresh, sometimes raging water and yet remains still until it releases water down the mountain. These lakes are open systems receiving new, fresh water from snow melt or springs and remain crystal clear. I am certain under a deluge the clarity of the water is clouded and yet the lakes natural state of calmness returns, and the impediments settle to the bottom or are carried downstream.
This past summer brought another experience, a stroke. A small stroke impacting my left temporal lobe making it a struggle to process information and find certain words. I am beyond fortunate that within 24 hours my mind was functioning again and over the next week I reconnected lost words to their meanings. The most profound influence was the experience of serenity I found as my mind slowed, even the hospital was a pleasant place as I enjoyed conversations with the medical staff, friends, and family. My stroke created a refuge from an overactive mind that is regularly thinking ahead and maintains a constant to do list. The stroke has become my personal alpine lake experience. While I do not wish a stroke on others, I do hope we notice those experiences which slow life for us. Join me in striving for the balance reflected between the river and the alpine lake. As Carl Honore` in his book In Praise of Slowness: Challenging the Cult of Speed states, “Slow is the new fast.”
“Man, I sure wish I had more energy. I had to skip breakfast and lunch because I’ve been so busy. I better get a 5-Hour Energy drink. Maybe a triple-mocha with extra chocolate or whipped cream? Yeah, that will get me through this meeting. If it goes well, I will reward myself by going out tonight and drinking with my buddies. If I stay out too late, I can always hit up Starbucks on my way into work, tomorrow.”
When you are fatigued, it helps to go back to the fundamentals of what gives us our energy. Energy is heavily influenced by:
Genetics
Physical health
Diet
Sleep
Exercise
Mood altering chemicals
Medication
Relationships
Purpose/belief
Work/school
Past experiences and more
Below are some basic ideas to help create and sustain energy through food choice. Most of us have increasingly high demands in both our personal and professional lives, leading us to feel exhausted and drained. Typically, when fatigued, we reach for caffeinated beverages instead of water like energy drinks or coffee and rely on carbohydrate-heavy foods like a bag of chips. This is likely due to learned behavior(s) as foods heavy in carbs provide us with quick energy and the effects caffeine has on mental stimulation.
After consumption, carbs digest quickly, breaking down into glucose to fuel our bodies for a brief period. As our brains tire, we look to energize ourselves with these high-glucose items to improve functionality and rid the feeling of fatigue. However, most of us have experienced that approximately one hour later, our energy from our carbo-rich snack is quickly is depleted. On the flip side, when we include whole grains, proteins, and healthy fats; we can slow down the carb digestion process, which can give us energy for longer periods. Carbohydrates, proteins, and fats are broken down at different parts of the digestive tract which help the utilization of the glucose you’ve stored. We also need to ensure we are drinking enough non-caffeinated fluids like water throughout the day. Dehydration is a known cause of fatigue. It can not only negatively impact how we utilize nutrients, but slow down our cognitive functioning. Aim for 11-16 cups of fluids like water and decaf tea daily.
Try this: Next time you are feeling like a crash is coming around 3 p.m., instead of running to your nearest coffee shop, try grabbing a handful of trail mix with nuts and dried fruit, or maybe a granola bar and yogurt. Make sure to include 8 oz of water as well. These options provide great sources of the nutrients needed to help keep your energy levels high. If you are someone who gets adequate sleep and exercises regularly, but still feel fatigued; you may be experiencing some underlying dietary issues. You may need to consult with a dietitian and/or medical doctor as there could be a medical issue that needs to be addressed.
“Participating in a PCS Intensive Treatment Program is an opportunity each of us have longed for, yet avoided. In 8 days and 68 hours your story has time to unfold and be received by a team of compassionate professionals whose primary purpose is to create a safe and equally challenging environment. The treatment process involving 35 hours of individual therapy brings an appreciation and understanding for the journey you have lived, including the detours, and offers the discovery of the journey awaiting you.”
– Dr. Marcus Earle, PCS Clinical Director
How it all begins…The Murray Method
Preparatory Workshop
The preparatory workshop begins your PCS Intensive Treatment Program. Each group member shares their reason for participating in the intensive, is introduced to our treatment model, and begins constructing a few key elements of their treatment process. Once the ice is broken, the workshop facilitator presents a framework from Marilyn’s Murray’s work called the Scindo Syndrome. The presentation sets the stage for much of the work to come, offering a way of understanding how the difficult and disturbing experiences in our early life shapes how we think, feel, and behave. It outlines what we strive for at PCS: to become a Healthy Balanced Person intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically. The Scindo Syndrome, along with the Circles of Intimacy, Responsibility, and Impact, provide the foundational scaffolding that the coming work can build. Not only does it help a person organize and understand their own story, but it also illustrates how we are similar to the others in the group (and in the world). This preparatory workshop is where the first homework assignments are given. The assignments include exercises such as the Trauma Egg, Genogram and Scindo Syndrome drawings to encourage clients to explore and identify what has shaped their thoughts, their feelings — their lives. These exercises guide clients to discover what is underneath even if they are uncertain what motivates their behaviors that ultimately led them to PCS.
Concluding Group
The Concluding Workshop on Saturday mornings is the final piece of the intensive program; a space to celebrate the integration of the Healthy Balanced Adult with the client’s Original Feeling Child (the “child” they are at the core). Clients share with one another their strongest “ah-hah” moments of the week, along with their Trauma Eggs, and their “Child” drawings. In their final moment, clients reaffirm their gratitude for the group work and the gains they achieved during their time at PCS.
Not Just Mental Health
As
part of the intake process, Dr. Rick Isenberg completes a comprehensive medical
history to identify significant symptoms and illnesses, along with self-care
practices, substance use, and compulsive behaviors which may impact the
treatment process. Our physical well being is entwined with our emotional
and relational health.
Interestingly, for some, the medical history may even identify symptoms, or ailments that point toward an underlying emotional issue that may be unknown to the client. We look for these clues and follow them backwards to see what we find. We also look for medical conditions that may contribute to the client’s emotional issues (like diabetes, sleep apnea, hypothyroidism) that are either not yet diagnosed, or neglected and need to be treated.
As part of the initial assessment, Dr. Isenberg also reviews the ACE Questionnaire with the client. This tool looks at adverse childhood experiences and allows PCS to help the client put psychological and medical problems in a family/historical perspective. Dr. Isenberg also administers a neurocognitive screening assessment that helps to identify brain skills that may be lagging. It is important to have our brains working at their best, so we provide tools to allow our clients to buff up brain performance. When our brains work better, life is better.
How Your Team is Assembled
After the client has filled out the registration materials for the intensive program, they will be required participate in a phone prescreen session with one of our team members. Not only does the prescreen ensure that PCS will be an appropriate fit for the client, but it also assists in selecting the individual and/or couple’s therapists assigned to each program with the background information provided. Every schedule includes at least one EMDR therapist. However, clients who are coming to work on trauma or other related concerns could find two or three therapists that utilize EMDR in their sessions. We also look at the other therapy modalities that would be beneficial for the client such as SE, CBT, DBT & EFT to help in the process of building a schedule for each individual or couple.
Clients who are interested in the intensive program but are on a strict budget can have the opportunity for interns, as well as licensed associate counselors (LAC) to be assigned to reduce the cost of their program. The advantage of having a large team of over 25 therapists allows flexibility in the selection of a client’s team and provides the ability to choose appropriate lower cost therapists while still receiving the full benefits of the process.
EMDR, SE, EFT, ETC. – What is EMDR?
Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a trauma therapy developed by
psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro. Dr.
Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity
of disturbing thoughts when she noticed her own stress reactions diminished
when her eyes swept back and forth as she walked through a park.
EMDR involves recalling a stressful past event and “reprogramming” the memory in the light of a positive, self-chosen belief, while using rapid eye movements to facilitate the process. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with bilateral eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation. One of the key elements of EMDR is “dual stimulation.” During treatment, a person is asked to think or talk about memories, triggers, and painful emotions while simultaneously focusing on his/her therapist’s moving finger or another form of bilateral stimuli. Other forms of external stimuli that may be used in EMDR therapy include bilateral tactile sensations and sounds (e.g. alternating hand taps or a chime that pans back and forth from ear to ear).
How Does EDMR Therapy Work?
At the time
of a traumatic event, strong emotions may interfere with our ability to
completely process the experience and the moment becomes “frozen in time.” Recalling the traumatic event may feel as
though the person is reliving the event all over again because the images,
smells, sounds, and feelings still exist and can be triggered in the
present. When activated, these memories
cause a negative impact on our daily functioning and interfere with the way we
see ourselves and our world, and how we relate to others.
EMDR therapy appears to directly affect the brain by “unfreezing” the traumatic memories, allowing them to be resolved. Over time, the disturbing memory and associated beliefs, feelings, sensations become “digested” or processed until the event is able to be thought about without reliving it. The memory is still available, but it is less upsetting.
The exact mechanism for the effectiveness of EMDR is unknown. It appears that using rapid eye movement relieves the anxiety associated with the trauma so that the original event can be examined for a more detached perspective. This is somewhat like watching a movie of what happened. This enables a person to access positive ways of reframing the original trauma (reprocessing), and to release the body’s stored negative emotional charges around it (desensitization). Some experts have noted that the eye movements during EMDR might be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. It may be thought of as a physiologically-based therapy that allows a person to see material in a new and less distressing way. Others believe it reactivates parts of the brain that were “shut down” as a coping mechanism. In this way, cognitive reorganizing takes place, allowing the negative, painful emotions to give way to more resolved, empowered feelings.
What is Somatic Experiencing (SE)?
Somatic Experiencing was
developed by Dr. Peter Levine and is practiced all over the world as an
intervention to resolve trauma. Dr. Levine theorized that trauma is not
necessarily about an event, but about what happens after the event, at the
physiological and biological level. How our nervous system responds, how those
around us respond, how we recall the incident and the ultimate meaning we give
to the experience will determine our chance of resolving trauma in the moment
or increase the likelihood of experiencing PTSD in the future.
SE recognizes that
trauma is a natural part of life. Trauma is not a disease or an anomaly. Its
effects do not mean a life sentence or permanent incapacitation. Instead,
trauma can be viewed as an injury to the autonomic nervous system with the
understanding that our bodies have an innate capacity to return to a regulated
state of being.
SE is a short term,
holistic and naturalistic approach that encourages mastery, empowerment,
self-direction and resiliency. SE focuses on “sensate” or “felt sense” of the body by recognizing and
accessing physical sensations, imagery and motor patterns to renegotiate trauma
through physiological channels of the autonomic nervous system – from brain
stem to limbic system. The body remembers everything even if the brain cannot
access certain experiences and unlike traditional therapies, SE brings sensory
experience to the foreground while supporting thought, feeling and emotion in
the background.
How Does Somatic Experiencing Work?
SE is a body oriented
approach to renegotiate trauma. It involves grounding, orienting, noticing the
felt sense of the body and tracking with curiosity how it experiences
activation and then de-activation. With the support of a trained therapist, we
can touch into the nervous system, mind and body and prepare for a reparative
action. This “pendulation” of pleasant, unpleasant and neutral sensations
increases our range of resiliency and facilitates nervous system regulation. We
enter the “here and now” instead of being stuck in the “there and then.” We
become able to recognize and express instinctive responses to threat. Expanding
a person’s tolerance of bodily sensations facilitates their trust in the body’s
wisdom and capacity to heal itself by uncoupling incomplete and undischarged
bio-electric circuits. Symptoms diminish in strength and frequency when the
cycle of discharge that have been fueling the symptoms of unresolved trauma are
released. Discharge my take the form of flushing, muscle contraction/release,
yawning, deep breathing, sweating, tears as well as other somatic responses.
Humans often thwart the natural mammalian instinct for fight, flight, freeze or collapse because we filter our experiences through the frontal cortex, thereby minimizing our “animal” instinct. For example, if a child cries we often attempt to sooth by telling them “Don’t cry, everything is fine.” This shuts down energetic discharge. Patients often experience shaking coming out of surgery. Instead of allowing an individual to discharge energy caused by a traumatic experience (cutting, being tied down, having a mask over one’s face) they are often given warm blankets or medications to dull the sympathetic nervous system. When individuals fidget, we tell them to stop. We manage to stop energetic discharge throughout our day. Our sedentary lifestyles and cultural beliefs disconnect us from the body. If our natural, self-protective responses are not completed, this energy does not discharge and we are at risk of our nervous system getting “stuck on” or “stuck off.” We may not feel safe in our own bodies and so we “numb” with substance addictions (using alcohol or drugs) or with process addictions (gambling, sex, shopping, work, etc.) By bypassing the thinking brain and accessing the nervous system we can reclaim the body’s ability self-regulate.
Mindfulness
Living Without Awareness = Impulsiveness and Mood Dependent Behaviors.
What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness has been described as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” Mindfulness is the practice of being completely aware of what you are doing in the moment, when you are doing it. It is you being in control of your mind, instead of your mind being in control of you.
Mindfulness is about: learning to maintain awareness of your mind, body, and surroundings. It is about staying in the present moment and noticing when your mind drifts into the past or future. It is learning to enjoy life in the here and now. Finally, it is about finding and connecting with one’s sense of self. When you are aware of what you are experiencing, you can make the choice to change or accept it, thus decreasing your suffering.
Benefits of Mindfulness: Mindfulness increases awareness. It allows us to be completely connected to our environment, reduce stress, and improve our overall well-being. Studies show that practicing mindfulness can reduce blood pressure, increase the immune system function, relax muscles, improve quality of sleep, and increase focus and concentration.
Why Learn Mindfulness?
Mindfulness skills help you to tolerate distress, that is, tolerating emotions and situations that feel intolerable; riding your intense emotions (urge surfing) rather than doing things to shut them off or distract from them, OR from engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
Mindfulness skills help you to regulate your emotions. The more skilled you are at noticing and identifying your emotions, the better chance you have of being able to adjust their intensity. If you are aware of what you are feeling you can change emotions you want to change, OR you can choose to stay with the feelings, knowing you are in control.
Mindfulness skills help you to be more effective in interpersonal situations. Increased awareness helps you decide when and how to make decisions about dealing with people and setting boundaries and limits, i.e. “asking for what you want” and “saying no”. Maintaining healthy relationships (or ending destructive ones!) requires the ability to be able to connect with your emotions and to be able to keep them in check if you want to.
Relapse Prevention: (e.g. relapse to undesirable mood states–depression, anxiety, anger, etc.–or impulsive/unwanted/self-destructive behaviors). Mindfulness teaches you how to recognize and disengage from emotion mind at times of potential relapse. Inability to do so may result in a downward spiral, and eventually, the onset of relapse. To avoid this, you must be able to disengage from emotion mind, bring in reasonable mind, and find wise mind. This will allow you to process mood related information in ways that are less likely to provoke relapse. Awareness of the patterns of thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that characterize relapse-related mind states is an essential first step in recognizing the need for corrective action.
Nutrition Makes A Difference
Taylor
Aasand, MPH, RDN, our registered dietitian (RDN), conducts nutritional
assessments of the complete diet of clients; including foods, beverages,
supplements and medications that could influence medical status. The
dietitian also takes note for any special dietary patterns, food allergies, and
religious beliefs that affect intake.
The RDN
provides education around the link between nutrition and mental health,
emphasizing that the brain and body must be adequately nourished and hydrated
to do intensive therapy. Some clients benefit from additional
dietary services depending on a medical diagnosis or an eating disorder or
disordered eating history. The client and dietitian work together to
develop a more structured dietary plan for their programming that may include
planned meals, grocery lists, challenging food fears and rules, and body
attunement exercises to help clients meet their individual nutrition
goals.
All this allows PCS to help the team assigned to understand the client more comprehensively and provides additional avenues for intervention. The complete Wellness Assessment allows us to recommend changes in bad habits and lifestyle that may lead to a healthier life, better brain performance, and easier recovery from the addiction, depression, trauma (etc.).
Working Together
We enjoy talking about you. The PCS Intensive Treatment Program is a team approach model. During your intensive over 7 professionals focus their attention on how best to facilitate discovering those issues inhibiting personal and relationship growth. The case manager assigned to you communicates with your primary therapist before, during, and after your program while monitoring treatment process. Through notes, emails, and conversations your individual and group therapists continue to update one another of how best to promote change and growth. The Wednesday staffing offers a unique opportunity for reviewing your process, with you present, by our entire team of over 25 therapists.
To learn more about the PCS Intensive Treatment Program, please contact our office at 480-947-5739 where our Intensive Coordinators can supply more information and start you on the journey to discovering a better you.
Intimacy. When I talk about this concept with clients, the common assumption is that I’m talking about sex. While sex, ideally, will involve intimacy, many of the people I work with have rarely experienced intimacy and sex together. In fact, many people come to realize they haven’t experienced intimacy anywhere in their lives. For the purposes of this very condensed piece on intimacy, let’s define it as a genuine connection between or among people. A connection that might include vulnerability, honesty, closeness, warmth, understanding, safety, and satisfaction. It’s important to note, these connections don’t just occur in the type of intimacy or love that involves romance, sex, and partnership. Expanding our understanding that we can have meaningful experiences of love in other types of relationships will help us to improve the most important one . . . the relationship with ourselves.
We’re taking a page from Aristotle when we talk about The Four Loves (Greek forms of love). Let’s first talk about Eros, the most highly coveted and sought after of all the loves. Movies, stories, songs all suggest that once we get that one special Eros love, we will be all good. Basically, our job is over. We might have the idea that once we find the right romantic partner, we will finally be happy in our lives because this person will fulfill all of our emotional needs, intellectual curiosities, interests, passions, and desire for fun. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out this way. People get stuck in a cycle of finding “love” when it is really romance they are seeking. Then after the newness wears off, they are left disappointed, dissatisfied, bored, or on the other end of it, feeling rejected. I suppose this could be because some people are “just a bad match” or that “It just wasn’t meant to be.” On the other hand, it may be because some of us weren’t able to show up with intimacy skills. We weren’t able (or willing) to be vulnerable with emotion, tolerate closeness, receive/provide warmth, or be honest about who we are and express it. Consequently, the relationship couldn’t take the next deeper step where romance fades off a bit so that a deeper, more expansive committed love can emerge. So what do we do when we’re caught in a cycle of so desperately wanting love, but continue to either find ourselves in a string of failed relationships, or so fearful of being rejected that we don’t put ourselves out there. Some therapists will say, “Start with the lowest hanging fruit.” Fortunately, Aristotle gave us three additional fruits or loves to explore and they are all within our reach.
To begin, we have Agape — which is mission based or charitable love. Consider, in life, what makes your heart break or motivates you to give your time or resources to a cause without strings attached. Think about how you desire to help people in a genuine way and when you accomplish this are left with a feeling of serenity. Simply put, Agape love helps you develop a positive sense of self-worth and closeness in the world.
Storge — This love speaks to belonging in the family. Immediately, this concept may lose some of us if we feel disconnected from our family, come from a family wrought with issues, or believe family is the reason we struggle with love in the first place. The good news is that the expression of this form of intimacy isn’t limited to the family we are related to. We can find and develop this love in a group or community where we feel a sense of belonging. These groups are defined by shared interests, common goals or values and can involve a little or a lot of investment. Exploration of Storge can be had in many areas including art/creativity, music, academics, sports, hobbies, gaming, crafts, service projects, and recreation. One of the reasons Greek organizations exist in universities/colleges is to offer a transitional family with common academic or cultural characteristics; sororities and fraternities, especially when they include an Agape foundation, provide a sense of belonging, safety, and community for young adults leaving the nest. Notably, in Storge love, the level of talent or role in the group is not what makes this love deeper or more meaningful, it is the person’s genuine participation in the shared interest. If you happen to be a person who has a supportive and loving family, the nudge is still there to intentionally foster Storge. If you overlook this love because “It’s always been there,” you risk losing intimacy in life by becoming too dependent on one or two people. Also, if you have written off family or certain members, you may be selling short your own ability to love with a humble Agape spirit, achieve some healing, and experience more Storge than you once believed was possible.
Philia — This is the reciprocal love of close friends. Intimate friendship involves a commitment to generously invest in one another’s lives with the intent of helping each other to mature in honesty, humility, and discretion. Deep friendship offers comfort through tough times and an expectation that each will challenge the other if one drifts from professed goals and values. Intimate friends don’t criticize character flaws but instead work together to explore healthy alternatives. They stay informed on important issues in each other’s relationships and investments. Simply put, they challenge and encourage each other to be the best they can be. Certainly, this love is not actualized in quantity, but in quality.
Ideally, if it is a personal goal, the aforementioned loves can prepare you for Eros or romantic/sexual love.
Of course, what makes the cultivation of any of the four loves challenging is if we lack love of self. The good news is that we don’t have to acquire one before the other; we actually need to develop them simultaneously. Also, we can’t forget that without knowing and loving self we will continue to repeat intimacy-blocking patterns in all forms of love. Reason being, if we have not defined who we are, we have little chance of becoming ourselves in the world, regardless of the type of love we desire. While all four of these loves challenge and foster personal growth, healthy investment in self-love, and continual maturing of identity, it is Eros that often challenges us most. It is the loving partnership that most clearly strives for a sense of oneness. As such, it requires a clear sense of self along with the intimacy skills of humility, assertiveness, transparency, clear boundary-setting, empathy and compassion. It is not self-sacrificing but rather requires integrating self with another. This cannot be achieved while hiding, disowning or failing to communicate a clear sense of self. If a person invests in Eros love, they must continue to define “me” or risk losing their identity.
Factors such as lifestyle and life stage can negatively impact the growth of oneness if individual goals and cultivating shared goals within the partnership are taken for granted. Therefore, it is really up to each partner to invest in who they are (personal values, interests, strengths, vulnerabilities, passions, and missions) so they can offer more to the relationship and not become helpless or entitled. In Eros love, each partner promotes intimacy by really valuing how the other cares for their own physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual well-being.
Lastly, self-love can be hard to come by if a person has a long history of self-destructive behaviors that have blocked intimacy in relationships. The good thing is, we all have equal potential in the present to value ourselves and to feel as good about what we have to offer the world. Theoretically, one’s true worth and ability to attract healthy connection with others depends upon who they are being now, not on their possessions, surface appearance, or past. Now, this does not mean we benefit from attempting to forget, minimize, or justify our past harmful actions. Quite the opposite, a greater sense of knowing and loving self can actually come from owning what we have carried out in real life to hurt real people. Accepting that we are more loveable when we are not perfect is a great goal! In this humble space, we can connect with others as our authentic selves and not as actors. We can believe that no person can truly be satisfied in relationships without intimacy.
So ask yourself: What relationships am I neglecting to strengthen or pursue? What is keeping me from experiencing real intimacy? How might I learn to be more authentic and vulnerable with others?
An abundance of research demonstrates the association between emotion skills and relationship satisfaction. Emotion skills can be defined as the ability to identify, manage, and express emotions. Emotion skills offer the ability to genuinely express your emotions, identify with your partner’s emotions, and to improve one’s ability to tolerate distress.
Emotions cannot damage relationships; rather, emotional expression can be helpful (via promoting connection) or harmful (via promoting distance). Lack of emotional expression decreases ability to be genuine with self and others. Research shows that interactions with others unable to self-regulate causes stress. Likewise, people unable to use healthy patterns of emotion regulation find close relationships to be uncomfortable, and they avoid such relationships.
If you have ever told your partner, “at least…,” “it could have been worse,” or “look at the bright side” following their expression of pain, you might benefit from increased emotional skillfulness. Though rooted in good intentions, these types of expressions minimize pain and turn others off to continued expression. Those truly comfortable tolerating their partner’s pain might respond with an invitation, such as, “that sounds painful, can you tell me more about that?” Other types of unhealthy expressions of emotions (aggression, avoidance) can trigger opposition from others, increasing interpersonal conflict and decreasing interpersonal support.
If you’d like to start increasing your emotion skills, consider self-disclosure, “I feel” statements, use of feelings words, perspective taking, reflections, identifying one thing you can empathize with, and validate. Invite your partner into emotional conversations and into an improved relationship.
“The discomfort and fear of remaining emotionally vulnerable and engaged tempts me to find the familiar comfort of isolation and managing on my own.” – Dr. Marcus Earle, PCS Clinical Director
Gratitude means having an appreciation for life in the present moment. It’s counting our blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging the abundance already here. When we are truly thankful for what we already have and content with what is – this is enough. We tend to take for granted all the good that is already in our lives. All too often, we hold out for the big achievements before allowing ourselves to be truly happy. It can be all too easy to fall into the trap of always wanting more and never allowing ourselves to be satisfied and content with what is. It’s as if we believe that life owes us something other than the greatest gift of the present. This mindset of lack and never enough can be a painful way to live, and is a surefire way to keep oneself just short of real contentment. This limited mindset is not in service to us and living in this way is a superficial form of happiness.
Most of us have a story about how our lives “should” be unfolding, and when this story clashes with reality, this creates discontentment. This discontentment is the outcome of placing our own mental projections onto how we believe life should be. There is a beauty in being able to recognize that life is simply unfolding and when we resist what is by placing our own demands on life, we create our own unhappiness. This type of denial and resistance of life as it’s happening in the now creates suffering. This may take the form of denying a reality that one feels afraid to face or may even look like an avoidance of feeling certain emotions. When we habitually focus on what’s not going right, we miss out on the good in our lives. On the most simplistic and basic level, the good is where life is, in the here and now.
The more we shift out of a mindset of never enough and a resistance to life and instead begin to adopt an attitude of thanksgiving, the “more” we find that we receive. Gratitude is often a mental acknowledgement of everything that is going well in our lives, and certainly this is important and valid on its own. However, there is a thankfulness that runs much deeper. This type of gratitude is a deep sense of our very presence and our sense of “being-ness” or aliveness. This is simply just the natural feeling ‘I am’, the sense of existence that is always present when we are not entangled with thinking about the past and future. We can access our natural being-ness anytime, because it’s always here, underneath the noise of the mind. When we are able to find the space between thoughts, there is a natural peace and contentment flowing within. As we become more attuned to this sense of aliveness, true gratitude starts to emerge automatically. Through being fully present with life as it’s unfolding now and recognizing our very presence, there is a felt sense of appreciation for all that is.
So in this way, true gratitude is powerful and transformative. We miss the natural wonderful-ness of life when we are arguing with the present or resisting what is. Being present with life and having a deep acceptance, allows us to find peace even in the midst of difficult situations and allows our choices to be guided from an honest and grounded place. In fact, when we have the maturity to accept the present moment with a heart of gratitude, we discover that peace naturally arises.
Each day it’s important to appreciate this gift of being alive. There are many ways to practice gratitude and acceptance. You might start with keeping a daily gratitude journal and write in it throughout the day or as you go through the day. You can become more aware of all the gifts, joyful moments and love in your life. You might notice the good that has come out of painful events in your life and start to see the grace and blessings in even the deeply challenging experiences.
One of my favorite ways to practice gratitude is to get into the habit of saying “thank you”. This is a very simple practice and can even be a form of prayer for some. On a basic level, one can even acknowledge and give thanks to God or life for their senses and being able to appreciate life so fully, for the breath and for the joy of family and friendship. We can offer thanks for the beautiful things, and, even the ugly things. We can feel gratitude for the small acts of kindness given or received, for the warmth of the sun, the sound of rain and the beauty of a flower. We can say thank you to existence and to the creative power of the universe, to the deeper sense of being that is always here. All of this provides a simple but powerful way to add so much beauty, strength and joy to your life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Many people look good but feel bad. They are chronically stressed, sad, and anxious. They are lonely in their marriages and disconnected in their relationships. They know something is wrong but have no idea what it might be. They fear, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.”
A “chameleon” is a person who changes his or her opinions, ethics, morals, and behavior to please others or to defend himself or herself. This person often behaves in a manner so plastic, shallow, and two-dimensional that it is like witnessing an act. People sometimes wonder, who is this person really? Why isn’t there any connection? There’s always this…distance. Everybody knows a chameleon, but not everybody recognizes it when he or she is one.
Chameleons believe that if they were perfect—had a slicker act—then they’d feel better, people would like them more, and they could protect themselves from being hurt. They try to be attractive in a way that they do not believe they were as children. They feel shame, so they chronically alter their true “colors” to protect themselves. They attempt to control the image others have of them. They “impression manage” or control and cultivate the image they convey to others. By controlling the image they project, people can exercise some influence over how they are perceived by others and the way others respond to them. The payoff is feeling safe; the cost is lonesome suffering, even when they are surrounded by people.
Of course, we all learn to behave differently depending on the roles we fulfill to meet our responsibilities. For example, in a single day a person may transition through many roles: wake up as a spouse, parent the children to school, work as an employee and later as a boss, eat lunch as a friend, go to the gym and be an acquaintance to some and a stranger to others, drop by his or her own parents’ house and feel like a child again, before returning home and back into the role of spouse and parent. These shifts in roles are necessary and normal, and we are more or less transparent depending on the relationship. But when we remain opaque to everybody (i.e., highly defended), we can become chameleonlike, and we may become stuck in one “color” or shift to many “colors,” resulting in nobody knowing who we truly are. This behavior is not authentic, results in little emotional intimacy, and that can feel bad, especially when it’s chronic.
However, there is help. It seems counterintuitive that the best way to deal with the Chameleon Complex is to stop covering shame and to uncover it. Many people need to learn how to let down their guard around safe people in order to reveal more of their authentic selves, to keep up their guard when the situation demands it, and to know the difference. Very quickly, connection will result, and loneliness, sadness, and worry will fade.
With awareness comes the ability to change and grow.
As I mentioned earlier, the etiology of the Chameleon Complex is shame. The sources of shame are diverse. To name just a few sources: neglect or abuse in family of origin, religious messages that we are not good enough, social stressors (e.g., bullies, underdeveloped social skills, etc.), critical teachers and other authority figures, or even failure to navigate age appropriate milestones (e.g., adolescents slower to physically mature, slower academic progression, etc.).
The treatment for the Chameleon Complex is very similar as that for cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy for social anxiety. We want to identify and challenge any cognitive distortions, such as mind reading (e.g., “They’re thinking what a loser I am.”), emotional reasoning (e.g., “I feel anxious so there must be a problem.”), all-or-none thinking (“Nobody can ever truly love who I really am.”), etc. Behavioral exposures are used to decrease anxiety, in this case, gradually exposing the “chameleon” to more appropriate self-disclosure with others (self-disclosure should go in both directions, with both individuals being open and vulnerable with each other). The result is acceptance, greater connection, self-confidence, and healing of shame.
Not everyone is safe to be transparent with. Some people will use our information against us; some will spread it inappropriately. Therefore, keep the model below in mind (Levels of Intimacy, modified from Marilyn Murry’s Circles of Intimacy). This will help determine with whom to take greater emotional risks.
Levels of Intimacy
Greatest Transparency/Deepest Level of Emotional Intimacy
Level 1: Core Self
——————–
Level 2: Spouse or Significant Other
——————–
Level 3: Children
——————–
Level 4: Relatives
——————–
Level 5: Friends
——————–
Level 6: Colleagues and Acquaintances
——————–
Level 7: Strangers
——————–
Level 8: Toxic People
Least Transparency/Shallowest Level of Emotional Intimacy
Keep in mind that the Levels of Intimacy model is merely a general guideline. The boundaries (i.e., the extent to which we reveal ourselves to others) are represented as dash lines. These boundaries are as rigid or porous as each individual decides for him or herself. For example, a stranger can eventually become a spouse, a relative can become a toxic person, etc. The idea is to share our core self—whom we authentically are—discriminatingly, but with increasing self-disclosure as the other person proves him or herself safe, thus increasing emotional intimacy. The more trustworthy a person proves to be, the closer we may move to the other person and the more we may self-disclose. This is emotional intimacy and it feels way better than emotional isolation (e.g., alone in a crowd).
People may be as private and isolated as they choose, but what’s normal is to wish to have at least one other human know who we authentically are, not judge us, to accept us as we are, and to love us. The resulting emotional bond is evolutionarily adaptive for our species’ survival; in the modern world this has become less important for our physical survival but is still necessary for our emotional health. When we bond, then the games, the act, the phoniness, the masks, the impression management, the Chameleon Complex can cease, resulting in less anxiety at fear of rejection, and less depression because of emotional isolation and loneliness. We are all here relatively briefly and then exit the stage, so to speak, so let’s not waste our time; let’s go through life together.
Article by Timothy M Tays, PhD.
Timothy M. Tays, PhD, did his training and was on staff at Psychological Counseling Services, Ltd., before opening his solo psychotherapy practice in Scottsdale, AZ. He specializes in treating anxiety disorders and has published “The Chameleon Complex,” available at online booksellers such as Amazon.com https://goo.gl/iJtBvk and Barnesandnoble.com. Visit his blog The Chameleon Complex at www.timothymtaysphd.blog/blog/. Portions of this article have previously appeared in “The Chameleon Complex” (2017) by Timothy M. Tays, PhD, and is due to appear in the September, 2018 Arizona Psychological Association newsletter.
We humans are programmed to seek and be fulfilled by connection (e.g. to God/Higher power, with self, and to self, and with others). Unlike most other mammals (or animals in general!), we are completely dependent on that connection with a parent/caregivers for our survival not just for days, but for many years. Our basic on-going needs for survival are food, water, shelter and sleep. As long as these needs are met adequately, we want to do more than just survive; we want to thrive. One of our primary needs in order to thrive is human intimate connection. We seek to love and be loved, to belong, to fit in, and to feel through interaction that we matter to another human being. We crave to be known, understood, and validated. We need to know that there is somebody who is available and has our back in times of trouble. We want to have somebody with whom to laugh and have fun. Most of us have a strong desire to find someone with whom to experience romantic love and sexual pleasure/connection.
When we fail to meet that need for connection, we do not thrive. Most of us meet that need to some degree, so we have varying degrees of thriving or well-being. The greater the gap between our desired connection and our experienced connection, the greater our loneliness. Simply defined, loneliness is “the failure to adequately meet the need for connection”. Loneliness is one of the most painful human experiences. Ironically, the reason we often fail to meet our need for connection and therefore experience loneliness, is because we over-protect by not letting people in, or perhaps even blatantly pushing them away. This protection leads to the avoidance of many kinds of hurtful experiences we could have in relationships, and yet sets us up for the MOST PAINFUL experience……loneliness.
Thus, there is an inherent “catch-22” of our human experience:
In order to thrive, we have to meet the need for human connection. In order to meet that need we have to be vulnerable and be willing to share our true self (thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, etc.). If we do so and we get connection/validation- AWESOME!! That feels great. However, if we get hurt, rejected, used/abused, let-down etc., we are hurt and then shift our focus to protection. The ways we protect often show up as walls that either a) push people away, or b) keep people from getting too close. These walls afford us protection, but prohibit connection. Without ways of healing those past wounds and of protecting ourselves in more balanced ways than these extreme walls, the cycle continues to escalate until we have lives and relationships that are organized around protection rather than connection. We settle for cheap substitutes for true intimacy like food, pornography, drugs, material goods, accomplishment/success, money, intensity, superficial relationships, social media “likes”, etc. and we fail to thrive.
Granted, some people would be better off alone than interacting with the toxic people who are currently in their lives. If our relationships include shame, blame, ridicule, abuse or neglect, – we may thrive more by hanging out with Just God and the dog! However, there is almost always somebody “out there” with whom we can have a fulfilling relationship/friendship. And, when we choose to isolate, the things we can start to believe about ourselves in the absence of loving feedback from intimate others, and the things that we end up doing to numb out the pain of loneliness become primary sources of our mental health problems. Addictive behaviors/substances are among the most costly of such problems. We use addictions to numb out pain from past or current hurts, to wall off and protect from future hurts, and/or to experience pleasure/get a high to “fill the voids” created in our state of loneliness.
To the contrary, healthy relationships are a source of not only the love/connection we deeply desire, but also of accountability and support. This accountability and support can make all the difference when trying to make difficult changes such as recovering from an addiction or stopping other destructive behaviors. This is why we need families/support systems. This is in large part why 12-step programs are so helpful to so many. In addition to the focus on spirituality and surrender, these are programs of relationship….of human connection. However, recovery relationships fail to meet our deepest needs for connection when used as more comfortable sources of human interaction while avoiding the healing work needed with loved ones who may be struggling with hurt, anger and mistrust.
The “out” for the catch-22 described above is in large part dependent upon the willingness to be vulnerable in the name of connection, and when needed to bring in protection through assertive boundaries rather than using “walls”. Boundaries allow for both connection and protection. They are clear messages of “I feel _______ (e.g. hurt, angry, scared) when you __________, and I need you to know that is not OK with me, so I’m asking you to please ____________. If that is not respected by the other person, the boundary may end up needing to include, “and if you choose to do that again, what I will do to take care of myself is ___________.” (note: it is critical that you tell the other person very clearly what you will do to take care of yourself rather than telling him/her what their “consequence/punishment” will be! No adult likes being disciplined, punished or controlled). It is critical that when setting boundaries/expressing anger that it is with an assertive tone. Assertiveness, unlike passivity or aggression, is clear, honest, open, respectful and direct; remember the acronym “CHORD”).
Among the most critical relationship skills and wills, are apology and forgiveness. Not quick apology or cheap forgiveness, but hard work over time that involves dealing with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors necessary to bring about the necessary healing. (more on apology and forgiveness will be shared in a future blog). We will all be hurt within our friendships, marriages/partnerships and family relationships (e.g. parents/children/siblings). While some of that hurt comes from the intentional toxic behaviors of others, it is more often the result of mismanaged struggles in the balancing act of connection and protection.
The ability to maintain healthy connections with others, which inevitably includes being willing and able to apologize and/or forgive, is one of our greatest means to attaining and maintaining mental health. This is in large part dependent upon our being able to love, be connected to and forgive our self – and actually love our self and enjoy our own company! Most of the people I have worked with over 25 years as a counselor will readily admit that they are hardest on themselves, meanest to themselves and have the hardest time forgiving themselves. Just like our relationships with others, this journey toward self-love, acceptance and forgiveness is long and hard…and like many “roads less travelled” is also profoundly rewarding! I hope we can all be a little more gentle with, and forgiving of, ourselves and more patient with our imperfect loved ones as we navigate this journey we call life….and that we can remember we all have a LOT more in common than we have differences! Travel well 🙂
For many years, research has shown that the practice of pro-active self-care will lead to better physical and emotional health. We have more control over our health outcomes than many realize. The mind and body are closely linked. Therefore, we can exert control in various areas to improve our health and well-being.
The following items are areas which indicate that we can improve our health, thus improving our daily functioning.
Blood Pressure: Control of blood pressure has significant positive impact in lessening the development of physical illness and cognitive disability.
Exercise: Studies show that aerobic exercise increases blood flow to the brain helping maintain healthier brain tissue and lessening cognitive decline. Exercise is an invaluable addition to aiding ability to concentrate, focus, and improve executive functioning.
Cognitive Training: Research show that higher levels of education or cognitive self-improvement increases the development of cognitive reserve which assists the brain’s ability to slow neurologic damage. Suggested activities to lessen brain shrinkage are: • Reading • Connecting with people • Developing and engaging in hobbies • Volunteering • Practicing spirituality
Diet: Food with low level of fats and added sugars are shown to promote both physical and emotional health. Some special diets that promote good physical and emotional heath can be found online. They are as follows: the Mediterranean Diet, the Dash Diet and the Mind Diet.
Sleep: Studies indicate that sleep strengthens some brain synapses(connections) while diminishing others. Another theory suggests that sleep eliminates toxic substances that can cause disease. Healthy sleep habits contribute to improved brain health.
Meditation and Mindfulness: To enable a person to be more at peace with themselves, and to be positive in daily living will promote clarity in brain functioning.
Spirituality: Helps individuals find hope and meaning in their lives.
Developing healthy habits has shown to preserve brain health. Ongoing studies emphasize the value of proper nutrition with diminished sugar intake, weight and blood pressure control. Computer brain training can challenge the brain and help improve memory.
The above contribute to improving mental acuity and executive functioning.
Remember, these are guidelines that individuals can use to improve well-being in a positive and pro-active manner in order to achieve brain health.
Sources:
Anne Tergesen “What Science Tells Us About Preventing Dementia”, The Wall Street Journal, November 18, 2019
Meghann Finn Sepulveda “Transform your Well-Being,” Arizona Republic, May 2017
Hypnosis got the reputation of brainwashing and mind control. Sometimes it is associated with sin.
Historically speaking, in the 1780’s thousands of people went to see Anton Mesmer, who was later labeled by the establishment as a fraud and a charlatan.
Mesmer left us with:
The concept of mesmerizing (derived from his name)
The fear that hypnotism is fake.
So… can you make me bark or can’t you?
Since I assume you do not want to bark, the answer is NO.
Clinical Hypnosis is from the same family of guided imagery, mindfulness, and meditation. When we are being hypnotized:
We are aware of what is going on
We can hear everything around the room (and yet we choose to listen within)
We can open our eyes if we want to (and yet it feels better to close them and look inward.)
We can snap out of it in a moment
We can remember it later
We are in total control over our mind and body.
In fact, the more we allow ourselves to relax – the deeper we can get into trance state.
Being in trance state means having focus awareness.
The deeper we are in trance state – the more we can explore what we want to explore.
By bypassing the conscious mind, we speak directly to the unconscious mind, which contains our automatic behaviors. Those are estimated to be 85% of our behaviors.
In other words, speaking directly to the unconscious mind allows us to heighten desired suggestions and gain more control over our emotions, mind, and body.
Therefore, in a weird way, hypnotizing is actually:
De-hypnotizing (from our automatic behaviors).
And self-hypnotizing (since we are in total control).
So… if you do not want to bark- what do you want?
Clinical Hypnosis can help with stress and anxiety relief, insomnia, weight loss, pain, self-esteem, and much more.
I cannot make you do anything. Your brain made sure YOU CAN!
During a summer trip to the mountains I found myself contemplating the river I sat next to. The constant movement and flow over and around rocks and boulders as it winded down the valley. The sound the water generated as it traveled was both soothing and enveloping. A few days prior I visited an alpine lake and marveled at the tranquility. Hiking the perimeter of the lake led to a river which fed it and on the other end a river that flowed from it. I reflected on how the lake was fed from the energy of the river which then melted away as it was absorbed by the lake only to once again resume its active journey as a river on the other end.
The river serves as a metaphor for my life, particularly my professional life. While it is true there have always been small eddy’s with calm water during my journey, rarely have I experienced the serenity of the alpine lake. I have been either constantly moving or avoiding. An alpine lake is fed by fresh, sometimes raging water and yet remains still until it releases water down the mountain. These lakes are open systems receiving new, fresh water from snow melt or springs and remain crystal clear. I am certain under a deluge the clarity of the water is clouded and yet the lakes natural state of calmness returns, and the impediments settle to the bottom or are carried downstream.
This past summer brought another experience, a stroke. A small stroke impacting my left temporal lobe making it a struggle to process information and find certain words. I am beyond fortunate that within 24 hours my mind was functioning again and over the next week I reconnected lost words to their meanings. The most profound influence was the experience of serenity I found as my mind slowed, even the hospital was a pleasant place as I enjoyed conversations with the medical staff, friends, and family. My stroke created a refuge from an overactive mind that is regularly thinking ahead and maintains a constant to do list. The stroke has become my personal alpine lake experience. While I do not wish a stroke on others, I do hope we notice those experiences which slow life for us. Join me in striving for the balance reflected between the river and the alpine lake. As Carl Honore` in his book In Praise of Slowness: Challenging the Cult of Speed states, “Slow is the new fast.”
“Man, I sure wish I had more energy. I had to skip breakfast and lunch because I’ve been so busy. I better get a 5-Hour Energy drink. Maybe a triple-mocha with extra chocolate or whipped cream? Yeah, that will get me through this meeting. If it goes well, I will reward myself by going out tonight and drinking with my buddies. If I stay out too late, I can always hit up Starbucks on my way into work, tomorrow.”
When you are fatigued, it helps to go back to the fundamentals of what gives us our energy. Energy is heavily influenced by:
Genetics
Physical health
Diet
Sleep
Exercise
Mood altering chemicals
Medication
Relationships
Purpose/belief
Work/school
Past experiences and more
Below are some basic ideas to help create and sustain energy through food choice. Most of us have increasingly high demands in both our personal and professional lives, leading us to feel exhausted and drained. Typically, when fatigued, we reach for caffeinated beverages instead of water like energy drinks or coffee and rely on carbohydrate-heavy foods like a bag of chips. This is likely due to learned behavior(s) as foods heavy in carbs provide us with quick energy and the effects caffeine has on mental stimulation.
After consumption, carbs digest quickly, breaking down into glucose to fuel our bodies for a brief period. As our brains tire, we look to energize ourselves with these high-glucose items to improve functionality and rid the feeling of fatigue. However, most of us have experienced that approximately one hour later, our energy from our carbo-rich snack is quickly is depleted. On the flip side, when we include whole grains, proteins, and healthy fats; we can slow down the carb digestion process, which can give us energy for longer periods. Carbohydrates, proteins, and fats are broken down at different parts of the digestive tract which help the utilization of the glucose you’ve stored. We also need to ensure we are drinking enough non-caffeinated fluids like water throughout the day. Dehydration is a known cause of fatigue. It can not only negatively impact how we utilize nutrients, but slow down our cognitive functioning. Aim for 11-16 cups of fluids like water and decaf tea daily.
Try this: Next time you are feeling like a crash is coming around 3 p.m., instead of running to your nearest coffee shop, try grabbing a handful of trail mix with nuts and dried fruit, or maybe a granola bar and yogurt. Make sure to include 8 oz of water as well. These options provide great sources of the nutrients needed to help keep your energy levels high. If you are someone who gets adequate sleep and exercises regularly, but still feel fatigued; you may be experiencing some underlying dietary issues. You may need to consult with a dietitian and/or medical doctor as there could be a medical issue that needs to be addressed.
“Participating in a PCS Intensive Treatment Program is an opportunity each of us have longed for, yet avoided. In 8 days and 68 hours your story has time to unfold and be received by a team of compassionate professionals whose primary purpose is to create a safe and equally challenging environment. The treatment process involving 35 hours of individual therapy brings an appreciation and understanding for the journey you have lived, including the detours, and offers the discovery of the journey awaiting you.”
– Dr. Marcus Earle, PCS Clinical Director
How it all begins…The Murray Method
Preparatory Workshop
The preparatory workshop begins your PCS Intensive Treatment Program. Each group member shares their reason for participating in the intensive, is introduced to our treatment model, and begins constructing a few key elements of their treatment process. Once the ice is broken, the workshop facilitator presents a framework from Marilyn’s Murray’s work called the Scindo Syndrome. The presentation sets the stage for much of the work to come, offering a way of understanding how the difficult and disturbing experiences in our early life shapes how we think, feel, and behave. It outlines what we strive for at PCS: to become a Healthy Balanced Person intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically. The Scindo Syndrome, along with the Circles of Intimacy, Responsibility, and Impact, provide the foundational scaffolding that the coming work can build. Not only does it help a person organize and understand their own story, but it also illustrates how we are similar to the others in the group (and in the world). This preparatory workshop is where the first homework assignments are given. The assignments include exercises such as the Trauma Egg, Genogram and Scindo Syndrome drawings to encourage clients to explore and identify what has shaped their thoughts, their feelings — their lives. These exercises guide clients to discover what is underneath even if they are uncertain what motivates their behaviors that ultimately led them to PCS.
Concluding Group
The Concluding Workshop on Saturday mornings is the final piece of the intensive program; a space to celebrate the integration of the Healthy Balanced Adult with the client’s Original Feeling Child (the “child” they are at the core). Clients share with one another their strongest “ah-hah” moments of the week, along with their Trauma Eggs, and their “Child” drawings. In their final moment, clients reaffirm their gratitude for the group work and the gains they achieved during their time at PCS.
Not Just Mental Health
As
part of the intake process, Dr. Rick Isenberg completes a comprehensive medical
history to identify significant symptoms and illnesses, along with self-care
practices, substance use, and compulsive behaviors which may impact the
treatment process. Our physical well being is entwined with our emotional
and relational health.
Interestingly, for some, the medical history may even identify symptoms, or ailments that point toward an underlying emotional issue that may be unknown to the client. We look for these clues and follow them backwards to see what we find. We also look for medical conditions that may contribute to the client’s emotional issues (like diabetes, sleep apnea, hypothyroidism) that are either not yet diagnosed, or neglected and need to be treated.
As part of the initial assessment, Dr. Isenberg also reviews the ACE Questionnaire with the client. This tool looks at adverse childhood experiences and allows PCS to help the client put psychological and medical problems in a family/historical perspective. Dr. Isenberg also administers a neurocognitive screening assessment that helps to identify brain skills that may be lagging. It is important to have our brains working at their best, so we provide tools to allow our clients to buff up brain performance. When our brains work better, life is better.
How Your Team is Assembled
After the client has filled out the registration materials for the intensive program, they will be required participate in a phone prescreen session with one of our team members. Not only does the prescreen ensure that PCS will be an appropriate fit for the client, but it also assists in selecting the individual and/or couple’s therapists assigned to each program with the background information provided. Every schedule includes at least one EMDR therapist. However, clients who are coming to work on trauma or other related concerns could find two or three therapists that utilize EMDR in their sessions. We also look at the other therapy modalities that would be beneficial for the client such as SE, CBT, DBT & EFT to help in the process of building a schedule for each individual or couple.
Clients who are interested in the intensive program but are on a strict budget can have the opportunity for interns, as well as licensed associate counselors (LAC) to be assigned to reduce the cost of their program. The advantage of having a large team of over 25 therapists allows flexibility in the selection of a client’s team and provides the ability to choose appropriate lower cost therapists while still receiving the full benefits of the process.
EMDR, SE, EFT, ETC. – What is EMDR?
Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a trauma therapy developed by
psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro. Dr.
Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity
of disturbing thoughts when she noticed her own stress reactions diminished
when her eyes swept back and forth as she walked through a park.
EMDR involves recalling a stressful past event and “reprogramming” the memory in the light of a positive, self-chosen belief, while using rapid eye movements to facilitate the process. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with bilateral eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation. One of the key elements of EMDR is “dual stimulation.” During treatment, a person is asked to think or talk about memories, triggers, and painful emotions while simultaneously focusing on his/her therapist’s moving finger or another form of bilateral stimuli. Other forms of external stimuli that may be used in EMDR therapy include bilateral tactile sensations and sounds (e.g. alternating hand taps or a chime that pans back and forth from ear to ear).
How Does EDMR Therapy Work?
At the time
of a traumatic event, strong emotions may interfere with our ability to
completely process the experience and the moment becomes “frozen in time.” Recalling the traumatic event may feel as
though the person is reliving the event all over again because the images,
smells, sounds, and feelings still exist and can be triggered in the
present. When activated, these memories
cause a negative impact on our daily functioning and interfere with the way we
see ourselves and our world, and how we relate to others.
EMDR therapy appears to directly affect the brain by “unfreezing” the traumatic memories, allowing them to be resolved. Over time, the disturbing memory and associated beliefs, feelings, sensations become “digested” or processed until the event is able to be thought about without reliving it. The memory is still available, but it is less upsetting.
The exact mechanism for the effectiveness of EMDR is unknown. It appears that using rapid eye movement relieves the anxiety associated with the trauma so that the original event can be examined for a more detached perspective. This is somewhat like watching a movie of what happened. This enables a person to access positive ways of reframing the original trauma (reprocessing), and to release the body’s stored negative emotional charges around it (desensitization). Some experts have noted that the eye movements during EMDR might be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. It may be thought of as a physiologically-based therapy that allows a person to see material in a new and less distressing way. Others believe it reactivates parts of the brain that were “shut down” as a coping mechanism. In this way, cognitive reorganizing takes place, allowing the negative, painful emotions to give way to more resolved, empowered feelings.
What is Somatic Experiencing (SE)?
Somatic Experiencing was
developed by Dr. Peter Levine and is practiced all over the world as an
intervention to resolve trauma. Dr. Levine theorized that trauma is not
necessarily about an event, but about what happens after the event, at the
physiological and biological level. How our nervous system responds, how those
around us respond, how we recall the incident and the ultimate meaning we give
to the experience will determine our chance of resolving trauma in the moment
or increase the likelihood of experiencing PTSD in the future.
SE recognizes that
trauma is a natural part of life. Trauma is not a disease or an anomaly. Its
effects do not mean a life sentence or permanent incapacitation. Instead,
trauma can be viewed as an injury to the autonomic nervous system with the
understanding that our bodies have an innate capacity to return to a regulated
state of being.
SE is a short term,
holistic and naturalistic approach that encourages mastery, empowerment,
self-direction and resiliency. SE focuses on “sensate” or “felt sense” of the body by recognizing and
accessing physical sensations, imagery and motor patterns to renegotiate trauma
through physiological channels of the autonomic nervous system – from brain
stem to limbic system. The body remembers everything even if the brain cannot
access certain experiences and unlike traditional therapies, SE brings sensory
experience to the foreground while supporting thought, feeling and emotion in
the background.
How Does Somatic Experiencing Work?
SE is a body oriented
approach to renegotiate trauma. It involves grounding, orienting, noticing the
felt sense of the body and tracking with curiosity how it experiences
activation and then de-activation. With the support of a trained therapist, we
can touch into the nervous system, mind and body and prepare for a reparative
action. This “pendulation” of pleasant, unpleasant and neutral sensations
increases our range of resiliency and facilitates nervous system regulation. We
enter the “here and now” instead of being stuck in the “there and then.” We
become able to recognize and express instinctive responses to threat. Expanding
a person’s tolerance of bodily sensations facilitates their trust in the body’s
wisdom and capacity to heal itself by uncoupling incomplete and undischarged
bio-electric circuits. Symptoms diminish in strength and frequency when the
cycle of discharge that have been fueling the symptoms of unresolved trauma are
released. Discharge my take the form of flushing, muscle contraction/release,
yawning, deep breathing, sweating, tears as well as other somatic responses.
Humans often thwart the natural mammalian instinct for fight, flight, freeze or collapse because we filter our experiences through the frontal cortex, thereby minimizing our “animal” instinct. For example, if a child cries we often attempt to sooth by telling them “Don’t cry, everything is fine.” This shuts down energetic discharge. Patients often experience shaking coming out of surgery. Instead of allowing an individual to discharge energy caused by a traumatic experience (cutting, being tied down, having a mask over one’s face) they are often given warm blankets or medications to dull the sympathetic nervous system. When individuals fidget, we tell them to stop. We manage to stop energetic discharge throughout our day. Our sedentary lifestyles and cultural beliefs disconnect us from the body. If our natural, self-protective responses are not completed, this energy does not discharge and we are at risk of our nervous system getting “stuck on” or “stuck off.” We may not feel safe in our own bodies and so we “numb” with substance addictions (using alcohol or drugs) or with process addictions (gambling, sex, shopping, work, etc.) By bypassing the thinking brain and accessing the nervous system we can reclaim the body’s ability self-regulate.
Mindfulness
Living Without Awareness = Impulsiveness and Mood Dependent Behaviors.
What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness has been described as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” Mindfulness is the practice of being completely aware of what you are doing in the moment, when you are doing it. It is you being in control of your mind, instead of your mind being in control of you.
Mindfulness is about: learning to maintain awareness of your mind, body, and surroundings. It is about staying in the present moment and noticing when your mind drifts into the past or future. It is learning to enjoy life in the here and now. Finally, it is about finding and connecting with one’s sense of self. When you are aware of what you are experiencing, you can make the choice to change or accept it, thus decreasing your suffering.
Benefits of Mindfulness: Mindfulness increases awareness. It allows us to be completely connected to our environment, reduce stress, and improve our overall well-being. Studies show that practicing mindfulness can reduce blood pressure, increase the immune system function, relax muscles, improve quality of sleep, and increase focus and concentration.
Why Learn Mindfulness?
Mindfulness skills help you to tolerate distress, that is, tolerating emotions and situations that feel intolerable; riding your intense emotions (urge surfing) rather than doing things to shut them off or distract from them, OR from engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
Mindfulness skills help you to regulate your emotions. The more skilled you are at noticing and identifying your emotions, the better chance you have of being able to adjust their intensity. If you are aware of what you are feeling you can change emotions you want to change, OR you can choose to stay with the feelings, knowing you are in control.
Mindfulness skills help you to be more effective in interpersonal situations. Increased awareness helps you decide when and how to make decisions about dealing with people and setting boundaries and limits, i.e. “asking for what you want” and “saying no”. Maintaining healthy relationships (or ending destructive ones!) requires the ability to be able to connect with your emotions and to be able to keep them in check if you want to.
Relapse Prevention: (e.g. relapse to undesirable mood states–depression, anxiety, anger, etc.–or impulsive/unwanted/self-destructive behaviors). Mindfulness teaches you how to recognize and disengage from emotion mind at times of potential relapse. Inability to do so may result in a downward spiral, and eventually, the onset of relapse. To avoid this, you must be able to disengage from emotion mind, bring in reasonable mind, and find wise mind. This will allow you to process mood related information in ways that are less likely to provoke relapse. Awareness of the patterns of thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that characterize relapse-related mind states is an essential first step in recognizing the need for corrective action.
Nutrition Makes A Difference
Taylor
Aasand, MPH, RDN, our registered dietitian (RDN), conducts nutritional
assessments of the complete diet of clients; including foods, beverages,
supplements and medications that could influence medical status. The
dietitian also takes note for any special dietary patterns, food allergies, and
religious beliefs that affect intake.
The RDN
provides education around the link between nutrition and mental health,
emphasizing that the brain and body must be adequately nourished and hydrated
to do intensive therapy. Some clients benefit from additional
dietary services depending on a medical diagnosis or an eating disorder or
disordered eating history. The client and dietitian work together to
develop a more structured dietary plan for their programming that may include
planned meals, grocery lists, challenging food fears and rules, and body
attunement exercises to help clients meet their individual nutrition
goals.
All this allows PCS to help the team assigned to understand the client more comprehensively and provides additional avenues for intervention. The complete Wellness Assessment allows us to recommend changes in bad habits and lifestyle that may lead to a healthier life, better brain performance, and easier recovery from the addiction, depression, trauma (etc.).
Working Together
We enjoy talking about you. The PCS Intensive Treatment Program is a team approach model. During your intensive over 7 professionals focus their attention on how best to facilitate discovering those issues inhibiting personal and relationship growth. The case manager assigned to you communicates with your primary therapist before, during, and after your program while monitoring treatment process. Through notes, emails, and conversations your individual and group therapists continue to update one another of how best to promote change and growth. The Wednesday staffing offers a unique opportunity for reviewing your process, with you present, by our entire team of over 25 therapists.
To learn more about the PCS Intensive Treatment Program, please contact our office at 480-947-5739 where our Intensive Coordinators can supply more information and start you on the journey to discovering a better you.
Intimacy. When I talk about this concept with clients, the common assumption is that I’m talking about sex. While sex, ideally, will involve intimacy, many of the people I work with have rarely experienced intimacy and sex together. In fact, many people come to realize they haven’t experienced intimacy anywhere in their lives. For the purposes of this very condensed piece on intimacy, let’s define it as a genuine connection between or among people. A connection that might include vulnerability, honesty, closeness, warmth, understanding, safety, and satisfaction. It’s important to note, these connections don’t just occur in the type of intimacy or love that involves romance, sex, and partnership. Expanding our understanding that we can have meaningful experiences of love in other types of relationships will help us to improve the most important one . . . the relationship with ourselves.
We’re taking a page from Aristotle when we talk about The Four Loves (Greek forms of love). Let’s first talk about Eros, the most highly coveted and sought after of all the loves. Movies, stories, songs all suggest that once we get that one special Eros love, we will be all good. Basically, our job is over. We might have the idea that once we find the right romantic partner, we will finally be happy in our lives because this person will fulfill all of our emotional needs, intellectual curiosities, interests, passions, and desire for fun. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out this way. People get stuck in a cycle of finding “love” when it is really romance they are seeking. Then after the newness wears off, they are left disappointed, dissatisfied, bored, or on the other end of it, feeling rejected. I suppose this could be because some people are “just a bad match” or that “It just wasn’t meant to be.” On the other hand, it may be because some of us weren’t able to show up with intimacy skills. We weren’t able (or willing) to be vulnerable with emotion, tolerate closeness, receive/provide warmth, or be honest about who we are and express it. Consequently, the relationship couldn’t take the next deeper step where romance fades off a bit so that a deeper, more expansive committed love can emerge. So what do we do when we’re caught in a cycle of so desperately wanting love, but continue to either find ourselves in a string of failed relationships, or so fearful of being rejected that we don’t put ourselves out there. Some therapists will say, “Start with the lowest hanging fruit.” Fortunately, Aristotle gave us three additional fruits or loves to explore and they are all within our reach.
To begin, we have Agape — which is mission based or charitable love. Consider, in life, what makes your heart break or motivates you to give your time or resources to a cause without strings attached. Think about how you desire to help people in a genuine way and when you accomplish this are left with a feeling of serenity. Simply put, Agape love helps you develop a positive sense of self-worth and closeness in the world.
Storge — This love speaks to belonging in the family. Immediately, this concept may lose some of us if we feel disconnected from our family, come from a family wrought with issues, or believe family is the reason we struggle with love in the first place. The good news is that the expression of this form of intimacy isn’t limited to the family we are related to. We can find and develop this love in a group or community where we feel a sense of belonging. These groups are defined by shared interests, common goals or values and can involve a little or a lot of investment. Exploration of Storge can be had in many areas including art/creativity, music, academics, sports, hobbies, gaming, crafts, service projects, and recreation. One of the reasons Greek organizations exist in universities/colleges is to offer a transitional family with common academic or cultural characteristics; sororities and fraternities, especially when they include an Agape foundation, provide a sense of belonging, safety, and community for young adults leaving the nest. Notably, in Storge love, the level of talent or role in the group is not what makes this love deeper or more meaningful, it is the person’s genuine participation in the shared interest. If you happen to be a person who has a supportive and loving family, the nudge is still there to intentionally foster Storge. If you overlook this love because “It’s always been there,” you risk losing intimacy in life by becoming too dependent on one or two people. Also, if you have written off family or certain members, you may be selling short your own ability to love with a humble Agape spirit, achieve some healing, and experience more Storge than you once believed was possible.
Philia — This is the reciprocal love of close friends. Intimate friendship involves a commitment to generously invest in one another’s lives with the intent of helping each other to mature in honesty, humility, and discretion. Deep friendship offers comfort through tough times and an expectation that each will challenge the other if one drifts from professed goals and values. Intimate friends don’t criticize character flaws but instead work together to explore healthy alternatives. They stay informed on important issues in each other’s relationships and investments. Simply put, they challenge and encourage each other to be the best they can be. Certainly, this love is not actualized in quantity, but in quality.
Ideally, if it is a personal goal, the aforementioned loves can prepare you for Eros or romantic/sexual love.
Of course, what makes the cultivation of any of the four loves challenging is if we lack love of self. The good news is that we don’t have to acquire one before the other; we actually need to develop them simultaneously. Also, we can’t forget that without knowing and loving self we will continue to repeat intimacy-blocking patterns in all forms of love. Reason being, if we have not defined who we are, we have little chance of becoming ourselves in the world, regardless of the type of love we desire. While all four of these loves challenge and foster personal growth, healthy investment in self-love, and continual maturing of identity, it is Eros that often challenges us most. It is the loving partnership that most clearly strives for a sense of oneness. As such, it requires a clear sense of self along with the intimacy skills of humility, assertiveness, transparency, clear boundary-setting, empathy and compassion. It is not self-sacrificing but rather requires integrating self with another. This cannot be achieved while hiding, disowning or failing to communicate a clear sense of self. If a person invests in Eros love, they must continue to define “me” or risk losing their identity.
Factors such as lifestyle and life stage can negatively impact the growth of oneness if individual goals and cultivating shared goals within the partnership are taken for granted. Therefore, it is really up to each partner to invest in who they are (personal values, interests, strengths, vulnerabilities, passions, and missions) so they can offer more to the relationship and not become helpless or entitled. In Eros love, each partner promotes intimacy by really valuing how the other cares for their own physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual well-being.
Lastly, self-love can be hard to come by if a person has a long history of self-destructive behaviors that have blocked intimacy in relationships. The good thing is, we all have equal potential in the present to value ourselves and to feel as good about what we have to offer the world. Theoretically, one’s true worth and ability to attract healthy connection with others depends upon who they are being now, not on their possessions, surface appearance, or past. Now, this does not mean we benefit from attempting to forget, minimize, or justify our past harmful actions. Quite the opposite, a greater sense of knowing and loving self can actually come from owning what we have carried out in real life to hurt real people. Accepting that we are more loveable when we are not perfect is a great goal! In this humble space, we can connect with others as our authentic selves and not as actors. We can believe that no person can truly be satisfied in relationships without intimacy.
So ask yourself: What relationships am I neglecting to strengthen or pursue? What is keeping me from experiencing real intimacy? How might I learn to be more authentic and vulnerable with others?
An abundance of research demonstrates the association between emotion skills and relationship satisfaction. Emotion skills can be defined as the ability to identify, manage, and express emotions. Emotion skills offer the ability to genuinely express your emotions, identify with your partner’s emotions, and to improve one’s ability to tolerate distress.
Emotions cannot damage relationships; rather, emotional expression can be helpful (via promoting connection) or harmful (via promoting distance). Lack of emotional expression decreases ability to be genuine with self and others. Research shows that interactions with others unable to self-regulate causes stress. Likewise, people unable to use healthy patterns of emotion regulation find close relationships to be uncomfortable, and they avoid such relationships.
If you have ever told your partner, “at least…,” “it could have been worse,” or “look at the bright side” following their expression of pain, you might benefit from increased emotional skillfulness. Though rooted in good intentions, these types of expressions minimize pain and turn others off to continued expression. Those truly comfortable tolerating their partner’s pain might respond with an invitation, such as, “that sounds painful, can you tell me more about that?” Other types of unhealthy expressions of emotions (aggression, avoidance) can trigger opposition from others, increasing interpersonal conflict and decreasing interpersonal support.
If you’d like to start increasing your emotion skills, consider self-disclosure, “I feel” statements, use of feelings words, perspective taking, reflections, identifying one thing you can empathize with, and validate. Invite your partner into emotional conversations and into an improved relationship.
“The discomfort and fear of remaining emotionally vulnerable and engaged tempts me to find the familiar comfort of isolation and managing on my own.” – Dr. Marcus Earle, PCS Clinical Director
Gratitude means having an appreciation for life in the present moment. It’s counting our blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging the abundance already here. When we are truly thankful for what we already have and content with what is – this is enough. We tend to take for granted all the good that is already in our lives. All too often, we hold out for the big achievements before allowing ourselves to be truly happy. It can be all too easy to fall into the trap of always wanting more and never allowing ourselves to be satisfied and content with what is. It’s as if we believe that life owes us something other than the greatest gift of the present. This mindset of lack and never enough can be a painful way to live, and is a surefire way to keep oneself just short of real contentment. This limited mindset is not in service to us and living in this way is a superficial form of happiness.
Most of us have a story about how our lives “should” be unfolding, and when this story clashes with reality, this creates discontentment. This discontentment is the outcome of placing our own mental projections onto how we believe life should be. There is a beauty in being able to recognize that life is simply unfolding and when we resist what is by placing our own demands on life, we create our own unhappiness. This type of denial and resistance of life as it’s happening in the now creates suffering. This may take the form of denying a reality that one feels afraid to face or may even look like an avoidance of feeling certain emotions. When we habitually focus on what’s not going right, we miss out on the good in our lives. On the most simplistic and basic level, the good is where life is, in the here and now.
The more we shift out of a mindset of never enough and a resistance to life and instead begin to adopt an attitude of thanksgiving, the “more” we find that we receive. Gratitude is often a mental acknowledgement of everything that is going well in our lives, and certainly this is important and valid on its own. However, there is a thankfulness that runs much deeper. This type of gratitude is a deep sense of our very presence and our sense of “being-ness” or aliveness. This is simply just the natural feeling ‘I am’, the sense of existence that is always present when we are not entangled with thinking about the past and future. We can access our natural being-ness anytime, because it’s always here, underneath the noise of the mind. When we are able to find the space between thoughts, there is a natural peace and contentment flowing within. As we become more attuned to this sense of aliveness, true gratitude starts to emerge automatically. Through being fully present with life as it’s unfolding now and recognizing our very presence, there is a felt sense of appreciation for all that is.
So in this way, true gratitude is powerful and transformative. We miss the natural wonderful-ness of life when we are arguing with the present or resisting what is. Being present with life and having a deep acceptance, allows us to find peace even in the midst of difficult situations and allows our choices to be guided from an honest and grounded place. In fact, when we have the maturity to accept the present moment with a heart of gratitude, we discover that peace naturally arises.
Each day it’s important to appreciate this gift of being alive. There are many ways to practice gratitude and acceptance. You might start with keeping a daily gratitude journal and write in it throughout the day or as you go through the day. You can become more aware of all the gifts, joyful moments and love in your life. You might notice the good that has come out of painful events in your life and start to see the grace and blessings in even the deeply challenging experiences.
One of my favorite ways to practice gratitude is to get into the habit of saying “thank you”. This is a very simple practice and can even be a form of prayer for some. On a basic level, one can even acknowledge and give thanks to God or life for their senses and being able to appreciate life so fully, for the breath and for the joy of family and friendship. We can offer thanks for the beautiful things, and, even the ugly things. We can feel gratitude for the small acts of kindness given or received, for the warmth of the sun, the sound of rain and the beauty of a flower. We can say thank you to existence and to the creative power of the universe, to the deeper sense of being that is always here. All of this provides a simple but powerful way to add so much beauty, strength and joy to your life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Many people look good but feel bad. They are chronically stressed, sad, and anxious. They are lonely in their marriages and disconnected in their relationships. They know something is wrong but have no idea what it might be. They fear, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.”
A “chameleon” is a person who changes his or her opinions, ethics, morals, and behavior to please others or to defend himself or herself. This person often behaves in a manner so plastic, shallow, and two-dimensional that it is like witnessing an act. People sometimes wonder, who is this person really? Why isn’t there any connection? There’s always this…distance. Everybody knows a chameleon, but not everybody recognizes it when he or she is one.
Chameleons believe that if they were perfect—had a slicker act—then they’d feel better, people would like them more, and they could protect themselves from being hurt. They try to be attractive in a way that they do not believe they were as children. They feel shame, so they chronically alter their true “colors” to protect themselves. They attempt to control the image others have of them. They “impression manage” or control and cultivate the image they convey to others. By controlling the image they project, people can exercise some influence over how they are perceived by others and the way others respond to them. The payoff is feeling safe; the cost is lonesome suffering, even when they are surrounded by people.
Of course, we all learn to behave differently depending on the roles we fulfill to meet our responsibilities. For example, in a single day a person may transition through many roles: wake up as a spouse, parent the children to school, work as an employee and later as a boss, eat lunch as a friend, go to the gym and be an acquaintance to some and a stranger to others, drop by his or her own parents’ house and feel like a child again, before returning home and back into the role of spouse and parent. These shifts in roles are necessary and normal, and we are more or less transparent depending on the relationship. But when we remain opaque to everybody (i.e., highly defended), we can become chameleonlike, and we may become stuck in one “color” or shift to many “colors,” resulting in nobody knowing who we truly are. This behavior is not authentic, results in little emotional intimacy, and that can feel bad, especially when it’s chronic.
However, there is help. It seems counterintuitive that the best way to deal with the Chameleon Complex is to stop covering shame and to uncover it. Many people need to learn how to let down their guard around safe people in order to reveal more of their authentic selves, to keep up their guard when the situation demands it, and to know the difference. Very quickly, connection will result, and loneliness, sadness, and worry will fade.
With awareness comes the ability to change and grow.
As I mentioned earlier, the etiology of the Chameleon Complex is shame. The sources of shame are diverse. To name just a few sources: neglect or abuse in family of origin, religious messages that we are not good enough, social stressors (e.g., bullies, underdeveloped social skills, etc.), critical teachers and other authority figures, or even failure to navigate age appropriate milestones (e.g., adolescents slower to physically mature, slower academic progression, etc.).
The treatment for the Chameleon Complex is very similar as that for cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy for social anxiety. We want to identify and challenge any cognitive distortions, such as mind reading (e.g., “They’re thinking what a loser I am.”), emotional reasoning (e.g., “I feel anxious so there must be a problem.”), all-or-none thinking (“Nobody can ever truly love who I really am.”), etc. Behavioral exposures are used to decrease anxiety, in this case, gradually exposing the “chameleon” to more appropriate self-disclosure with others (self-disclosure should go in both directions, with both individuals being open and vulnerable with each other). The result is acceptance, greater connection, self-confidence, and healing of shame.
Not everyone is safe to be transparent with. Some people will use our information against us; some will spread it inappropriately. Therefore, keep the model below in mind (Levels of Intimacy, modified from Marilyn Murry’s Circles of Intimacy). This will help determine with whom to take greater emotional risks.
Levels of Intimacy
Greatest Transparency/Deepest Level of Emotional Intimacy
Level 1: Core Self
——————–
Level 2: Spouse or Significant Other
——————–
Level 3: Children
——————–
Level 4: Relatives
——————–
Level 5: Friends
——————–
Level 6: Colleagues and Acquaintances
——————–
Level 7: Strangers
——————–
Level 8: Toxic People
Least Transparency/Shallowest Level of Emotional Intimacy
Keep in mind that the Levels of Intimacy model is merely a general guideline. The boundaries (i.e., the extent to which we reveal ourselves to others) are represented as dash lines. These boundaries are as rigid or porous as each individual decides for him or herself. For example, a stranger can eventually become a spouse, a relative can become a toxic person, etc. The idea is to share our core self—whom we authentically are—discriminatingly, but with increasing self-disclosure as the other person proves him or herself safe, thus increasing emotional intimacy. The more trustworthy a person proves to be, the closer we may move to the other person and the more we may self-disclose. This is emotional intimacy and it feels way better than emotional isolation (e.g., alone in a crowd).
People may be as private and isolated as they choose, but what’s normal is to wish to have at least one other human know who we authentically are, not judge us, to accept us as we are, and to love us. The resulting emotional bond is evolutionarily adaptive for our species’ survival; in the modern world this has become less important for our physical survival but is still necessary for our emotional health. When we bond, then the games, the act, the phoniness, the masks, the impression management, the Chameleon Complex can cease, resulting in less anxiety at fear of rejection, and less depression because of emotional isolation and loneliness. We are all here relatively briefly and then exit the stage, so to speak, so let’s not waste our time; let’s go through life together.
Article by Timothy M Tays, PhD.
Timothy M. Tays, PhD, did his training and was on staff at Psychological Counseling Services, Ltd., before opening his solo psychotherapy practice in Scottsdale, AZ. He specializes in treating anxiety disorders and has published “The Chameleon Complex,” available at online booksellers such as Amazon.com https://goo.gl/iJtBvk and Barnesandnoble.com. Visit his blog The Chameleon Complex at www.timothymtaysphd.blog/blog/. Portions of this article have previously appeared in “The Chameleon Complex” (2017) by Timothy M. Tays, PhD, and is due to appear in the September, 2018 Arizona Psychological Association newsletter.
We humans are programmed to seek and be fulfilled by connection (e.g. to God/Higher power, with self, and to self, and with others). Unlike most other mammals (or animals in general!), we are completely dependent on that connection with a parent/caregivers for our survival not just for days, but for many years. Our basic on-going needs for survival are food, water, shelter and sleep. As long as these needs are met adequately, we want to do more than just survive; we want to thrive. One of our primary needs in order to thrive is human intimate connection. We seek to love and be loved, to belong, to fit in, and to feel through interaction that we matter to another human being. We crave to be known, understood, and validated. We need to know that there is somebody who is available and has our back in times of trouble. We want to have somebody with whom to laugh and have fun. Most of us have a strong desire to find someone with whom to experience romantic love and sexual pleasure/connection.
When we fail to meet that need for connection, we do not thrive. Most of us meet that need to some degree, so we have varying degrees of thriving or well-being. The greater the gap between our desired connection and our experienced connection, the greater our loneliness. Simply defined, loneliness is “the failure to adequately meet the need for connection”. Loneliness is one of the most painful human experiences. Ironically, the reason we often fail to meet our need for connection and therefore experience loneliness, is because we over-protect by not letting people in, or perhaps even blatantly pushing them away. This protection leads to the avoidance of many kinds of hurtful experiences we could have in relationships, and yet sets us up for the MOST PAINFUL experience……loneliness.
Thus, there is an inherent “catch-22” of our human experience:
In order to thrive, we have to meet the need for human connection. In order to meet that need we have to be vulnerable and be willing to share our true self (thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, etc.). If we do so and we get connection/validation- AWESOME!! That feels great. However, if we get hurt, rejected, used/abused, let-down etc., we are hurt and then shift our focus to protection. The ways we protect often show up as walls that either a) push people away, or b) keep people from getting too close. These walls afford us protection, but prohibit connection. Without ways of healing those past wounds and of protecting ourselves in more balanced ways than these extreme walls, the cycle continues to escalate until we have lives and relationships that are organized around protection rather than connection. We settle for cheap substitutes for true intimacy like food, pornography, drugs, material goods, accomplishment/success, money, intensity, superficial relationships, social media “likes”, etc. and we fail to thrive.
Granted, some people would be better off alone than interacting with the toxic people who are currently in their lives. If our relationships include shame, blame, ridicule, abuse or neglect, – we may thrive more by hanging out with Just God and the dog! However, there is almost always somebody “out there” with whom we can have a fulfilling relationship/friendship. And, when we choose to isolate, the things we can start to believe about ourselves in the absence of loving feedback from intimate others, and the things that we end up doing to numb out the pain of loneliness become primary sources of our mental health problems. Addictive behaviors/substances are among the most costly of such problems. We use addictions to numb out pain from past or current hurts, to wall off and protect from future hurts, and/or to experience pleasure/get a high to “fill the voids” created in our state of loneliness.
To the contrary, healthy relationships are a source of not only the love/connection we deeply desire, but also of accountability and support. This accountability and support can make all the difference when trying to make difficult changes such as recovering from an addiction or stopping other destructive behaviors. This is why we need families/support systems. This is in large part why 12-step programs are so helpful to so many. In addition to the focus on spirituality and surrender, these are programs of relationship….of human connection. However, recovery relationships fail to meet our deepest needs for connection when used as more comfortable sources of human interaction while avoiding the healing work needed with loved ones who may be struggling with hurt, anger and mistrust.
The “out” for the catch-22 described above is in large part dependent upon the willingness to be vulnerable in the name of connection, and when needed to bring in protection through assertive boundaries rather than using “walls”. Boundaries allow for both connection and protection. They are clear messages of “I feel _______ (e.g. hurt, angry, scared) when you __________, and I need you to know that is not OK with me, so I’m asking you to please ____________. If that is not respected by the other person, the boundary may end up needing to include, “and if you choose to do that again, what I will do to take care of myself is ___________.” (note: it is critical that you tell the other person very clearly what you will do to take care of yourself rather than telling him/her what their “consequence/punishment” will be! No adult likes being disciplined, punished or controlled). It is critical that when setting boundaries/expressing anger that it is with an assertive tone. Assertiveness, unlike passivity or aggression, is clear, honest, open, respectful and direct; remember the acronym “CHORD”).
Among the most critical relationship skills and wills, are apology and forgiveness. Not quick apology or cheap forgiveness, but hard work over time that involves dealing with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors necessary to bring about the necessary healing. (more on apology and forgiveness will be shared in a future blog). We will all be hurt within our friendships, marriages/partnerships and family relationships (e.g. parents/children/siblings). While some of that hurt comes from the intentional toxic behaviors of others, it is more often the result of mismanaged struggles in the balancing act of connection and protection.
The ability to maintain healthy connections with others, which inevitably includes being willing and able to apologize and/or forgive, is one of our greatest means to attaining and maintaining mental health. This is in large part dependent upon our being able to love, be connected to and forgive our self – and actually love our self and enjoy our own company! Most of the people I have worked with over 25 years as a counselor will readily admit that they are hardest on themselves, meanest to themselves and have the hardest time forgiving themselves. Just like our relationships with others, this journey toward self-love, acceptance and forgiveness is long and hard…and like many “roads less travelled” is also profoundly rewarding! I hope we can all be a little more gentle with, and forgiving of, ourselves and more patient with our imperfect loved ones as we navigate this journey we call life….and that we can remember we all have a LOT more in common than we have differences! Travel well 🙂
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