What to Look for In Our Closest Relationships

I am unaware of anyone, personally or professionally, who does life well in isolation. We are social beings. We need connection. It is built into our survival. Of course there is room for introverts, extroverts, and ambiverts, but those expressions of who we are focus on how we get those emotional needs met, and how we are energized, not the need itself. Underlying your preference, whether it be curling up and reading a book, or going to a club for a night of dancing, we need close connection – emotional connection. We need people who know our journey – ups, downs, best, and worst of who we are.

So, what should you look for in close, healthy relationships? There are six qualities that help identify healthy relationships – people we can trust with who we are.

• The first quality of a healthy relationship is the person can keep a confidence. This is not about secret keeping. This is about honoring privacy. When you are struggling, you do not need to worry if everyone at work will find out by tomorrow, or that it will be shared as a “prayer concern” in your faith community.

• The second quality – the relationship is caring. You want to know the person cares for you, and wants what is best for you.

• The third quality is sharing similar values, and even when they are different, your values are respected.

• The fourth quality is the relationship is mutual. You need to be sharing the same qualities you want (you keep a confidence, you care about the other person and you respect values), and in addition, there is not a power differential. A parents close friend should not be their 16 year old son, nor the person in charge of your performance review at work.

The next two qualities are more difficult because a healthy relationship is not the same as a conflict free relationship.

• The fifth quality of a close relationship – the person needs to have the courage to confront and identify your blind spots, and you need to respect them enough to listen. This does not always mean you need to agree, but you need to be willing to listen and reflect on what is being said. As the relationship is mutual, you will also need to be able to confront concerns that you see in the other person.

• Finally, the sixth quality of a close relationship is the ability to apologize and forgive. There is no perfect relationship out there. There are no perfect people. We make mistakes, say things we regret, step on each others toes accidentally, and sometimes intentionally. If we do not allow for healing, these relationship wounds, writing people off when they make mistakes, we will soon find ourselves alone. Apology and forgiveness are how we repair and bring healing to a relationship and it makes us stronger.

Having a close relationship is not for the faint of heart. Relationships take courage and intention. They are rewarding and powerful when you know and are known by the closest people in your life. Close relationships improve our ability to handle pain and stress, as well as increasing our immune systems, making us physically healthy. Connection is part of being human. They bring us joy and peace. They are worth the effort. Now, if you have fear about forming these relationships, or you have been wounded again and again, or you have shame about showing people your worst parts of yourself, then find a trusted profession who can help you unpack your pain, loneliness, or shame. Begin the healing journey because you deserve the healing that can be found in trusted relationships