HEARD Animals

Humans are herd animals. That is, we are hardwired for connection and togetherness. We depend on being connected to physically survive, and we absolutely need it in order to thrive psychologically, physiologically, emotionally, and socially.

So what is connection? It comes from the Latin word connectere which means to “fasten together” or “bind together.” As a verb, connection means “to bring together or into contact so that a real or notional link is established.”

In the absence of real connection, we quite literally risk death. Nowhere else has this been illustrated so clearly as in King Frederick II’s 13th-century experiment, where babies were fed, clothed, and changed by nurses, but otherwise not allowed to be touched or spoken to. The experiment, which had intended to discover what language children would learn to speak if never spoken to, ended prematurely because no babies survived long enough to develop language skills.

What the Frederick experiment illuminates is the absolutely essential nature of human connection. It is not enough to be physical fed, clean, warm, and kept safe from predators. We must also be held and heard. As herd animals—or maybe it ought to be heard animals—we are hardwired for meaningful connection. We need it, and in a number of ways, if we are to truly flourish in life.

Connection to Others… begins when our life begins. Healthy connection tends to look and feel like closeness, support, compassion, empathy, caring, curiosity, joy, nurturance, safety, co-regulation, attunement, peace, honesty, understanding, acceptance, commitment, collaboration, communication, and love.

While healthy connection breeds wellness, and even healing, unhealthy connection breeds distress, and even disease. As the African Proverb goes, “The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it to feel its warmth.” We have a vital need to belong. To be with. So we instinctively resort to utilizing whatever means we have available to ensure our basic need for connection is met.

Connection to Self… is born out of healthy connection with others. In healthy families, attuned parents act as mirrors for their children, helping them to gradually see, know, and grow into more of who they genuinely are. Much like a tree grows deeper and more rooted as it expands upward and outward, so too does a child who is well-anchored in their relationships with both self and others.

In less healthy families, misattuned parents may overlook or override their child’s needs, preferences, and traits, which leads to a disconnect between who the child actually is and who the child thinks they need to be in order to feel loved, accepted, and safe. This chasm between who a person actually is and how they have learned to present themselves is not only a source of great inner conflict but of deep psychic pain. And it is the pain of this misalignment that often drives people—consciously or not—into therapy.

Because it hurts to be anything other than who we truly are. To be anything other than connected to one’s innermost essence. Just like we need real connection with others to both survive and thrive, we need authentic connection with our own selves to prosper. In its absence, we not only deteriorate, but sometimes we even die (possibly by suicide).

Connection to Something Greater… arises through any pursuit, cause, or idea that infuses life with meaning and purpose. While spiritual and religious traditions are one route for accessing Something Greater, many people make equally meaningful contact with Something Greater via purely secular pursuits. It might be traversing through nature, volunteering with animals, raising kind children, being a servant leader, having a well-defined “Why,” or engaging in human rights advocacy that fosters a feeling of being connected to something beyond one’s own self and/or lifespan. Whatever it is, it’s a necessary domain of connection because we are hardwired herd creatures… who also happen to have fancy frontal lobes. So while we need to belong to someone, we also need to belong to something.

Connection to the present moment… is perhaps the straightest path to deeper, more rewarding connection to ourselves, others, and Something Greater. To be immersed in the moment that is actually happening is to be in the center of the eye of the storm of life. It is how we find stillness amidst chaos. It is where we come back home to ourselves. It is when we hear the subtle voice of our own inner wisdom speaking to us. It is where we plug our heart fully into the heart of another. And it is how we find awe and wonder in what stretches infinitely beyond ourselves and our finite time on earth.