Working with What is Real in Relationships

Series Three: Blog Thirty-Nine

“Power comes from being centered and clear. This is where answers, insights, and lessons will come to the surface of awareness.”

Relationships can be fickle. The more you open your heart and invite someone to be close, the greater likelihood you might encounter conflict that could have been avoided had you chosen to not to be vulnerable. For reasons beyond your control, friendships waver, jobs don’t work out, people suddenly die, and marriages fall apart. There are times that life seems to close in like a vice grip. During these times you feel lonely, isolated and question your ability to make solid decisions. You feel vulnerable to compare what you don’t have to what other’s do have. There are times you must face issues that those around your refuse to acknowledge. You are afraid of other’s judgment. You are sensitive and aware of how much you want other people to accept and approve of your decisions and behavior.

Sometimes you fear other people’s judgment about your behavior. Your fear of their judgment is a way of carrying their shame. You understand their concern around your behavior and you don’t want to disappoint them because you love them very much. However, your awareness takes you to a different place and decision. Your fear of their disapproval is really a way for you to carry their fear of life. This is the way shame is passed from one generation to the next or from one person to another. There is no visible sign but rather it is a relational and transactional experience.

There are times we need to endure and get through rough spots in relationships. There are other times we need to recognize it is time to let go. There are considerations designed to bring you to the center of your soul when the road of life creates unexpected twists and turns.

1. Calm yourself.  Find a space of acceptance to what is around you. When your relationship gets stuck in a difficult place, embrace what you like and don’t like about where you are at. Feel what you feel. The key is to not to overreact to your feelings. It is critical to finding your way through difficulty. Leaning into discomfort is a way of connecting to the Divine of life.
2. When relationships are damaged, they require slowing the pace of life, even stopping to address your broken spirit. When you hurt from someone else’s actions you desperately want to know why and seek immediate answers. Reaching desperate for an answer will not help. when you are wounded you need rest to gain healing. The wound needs to rest in order to heal. don’t pick at the sore spot in your relationship. Don’t rub it in the dirt of other people’s opinions. Just sit with what hurts for a season of time so that the wound can heal.
3. Relax, release and let go. Life can be like fighting against gravity when trying to control someone else’s behavioral response. It’s impossible to control someone else. This is a simple profound truth that some people pound their head against a brick wall before they embrace its reality. Let others be who they are. Tensed or relaxed, like freeway traffic you cannot change the situation. Practice working with rather than against. It will yield daily strength. When you try to control the impossible you exhaust your powers of healing. Learn ways to unwind. Relax your mind and your body. Visualize and meditate. Take a relaxing bath in hot water. Take a walk on the beach. Listen to Buddhist meditation music, get a therapeutic massage, listen to inspiring music, drink hot tea, take in a good movie, practice deep conscious breathing and on and on.  Everyone has their own way. Make a list of what works for you.

The only person that keeps you on the treadmill is you. Create quietness in your mind. Notice the life force in all living things that surround you. Allow your own brilliance to speak to you about your next step toward healing brokenness in your relationship. You will find wisdom to take the next step when you still the noise of your chattering mind and listen to your heart by tuning in to your body and your feelings. This is the way cement your next steps and create meaningfulness in relationships.