Why We Avoid & What To Do About It

When I sat down to write my last blog, I immediately wanted to avoid writing it. When I
mentioned this to a colleague, a suggestion was made to write about avoidance in my next blog.
That got me thinking about what’s really going on when I resist writing something others might
see? Am I insecure about my abilities? Worried about judgment? If people don’t like it, does that
mean something about me?

As a therapist, I often help people explore avoidance but turning that lens on myself is harder.
Avoidance usually protects us from pain, discomfort, or fear of failure. For me, writing feels tied
to self-worth. If I write a blog that I perceive as good, I feel good about myself. If it turns out
poorly, I feel like I’m not enough. That’s a familiar script for me. Others may avoid through
procrastination. Procrastination looks like over preparing or telling yourself that you have other,
more important things to do. Perfectionism may show up in a way that creates endless editing
and something never being good enough to the point it never gets finished. Sometimes, younger
protective parts come online when we need to do something hard or potentially painful. For
example, my younger self who learned mistakes weren’t safe, now shows up as a part that
sometimes prevents me from starting on something because it is worried about a negative
outcome. Even success can feel risky, because doing something well might invite more work.

Our brains also play a role. Thanks to negativity bias, we’re wired to focus on possible threats,
even when none exist. Writing a blog isn’t dangerous, but my brain acts like it is. Fear and
avoidance can feel protective, even when they hold us back.

What can you do to help yourself?

• Notice your self-talk. Ask: is it really true? Will everyone judge me? Probably not. Even if some do, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.
• Change the narrative. Instead of “I can’t do hard things,” remind yourself, “I am someone who can do hard things.”
• Think of your future self. Avoidance doesn’t make things easier. Starting now is a gift to yourself later. Slowing down can help here to get a sense of what’s going on internally.
• Talk to the part that avoids. Often, it’s a younger part trying to protect you. As an adult, you have the skills to handle discomfort. Can that younger part step aside so your adult self can step up and do the work?
• Accept that risk is unavoidable. There is risk in everything, but risk is necessary for us to learn and grow. There is no growth in staying comfortable.
• Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. If perfectionism is slowing you down, remember that leaning into making mistakes is an opportunity for growth.
• Seek support if needed. If avoidance pervasive, it might be linked to unresolved trauma, and therapy can help.

Avoidance is human but it doesn’t have to run the show. Naming it, challenging it, and being compassionate with ourselves can make space for growth and freedom.