Should I talk to my 7-12 year old kids about porn?

Tricky question, right?!

If it’s not an issue, why should I bring it up? I don’t want to plant any
ideas in their head. After all, is there any real danger if I set the
parental control on technological devices?

On the other hand, kids are spending more and more time online for school, play, or socialization which increases the possibility of their exposure to inappropriate content, whether by accident or by friends. And then what?! Exposure to pornography in early age might impact a child’s perception of touch, love, sex, and body image. These effects can create a distortion in expectations of self, partner, and relationships later in life. In addition, more curiosity about porn might lead them to secrecy, using porn as an outlet for stress, and as a potential unhealthy coping skill. Sitting down with your child to talk about porn is like the new “stranger danger” conversation. I wish it could be avoided, but the internet has become the modern version of the neighborhood playground, which makes this conversation almost inevitable.

If you do decide to have “the talk,” please be mindful about your child’s age, personality, and emotional development. The approach and even the words you choose can make a difference.

What do I say?

Well… before the “what” comes the “how”:

Some parents feel awkward, not to mention tongue-tied, talking with their children about sex. If you are one of these people, remind yourself how amazing you are for placing your child’s best interests before your comfort zone.

Set an intention to be calm, loving, and open. The idea is to create a safe space for your child, where it’s okay to talk about uncomfortable issues, ask questions, and learn tools. In this conversation, you model to your children that there is no topic in the world that can come between you, that you are always there for them, and that they’re never alone. It is important to talk about our bodies, nudity, and sex in a positive way. Be mindful of using positive words and having open body language. We want to encourage kids to accept themselves as sexual beings rather than to feel shame.

In order to differentiate between what is appropriate and inappropriate, acknowledge that sex is a good thing when done at the right age, with the right partner, in a respectful, consensual, and safe way.

Okay I get all that but… how do I actually say it?

Express the reason for this conversation – “There is something I want to
talk to you about because I love you, care for you and want to protect you.
It might sound weird or uncomfortable but I believe it is important to
guide you just in case. Are you willing for us to talk about the internet
and pictures/videos of nude people?”

Normalize – “it’s very normal to be curious about nudity. Most people,
even kids, will want to keep watching. There’s nothing wrong in feeling
that way.”

Invite – It is important to emphasize that even if your child has already
been exposed to porn or nude images – you will not be angry with them and
they are invited to share with you now or anytime in the future.

Model active listening – what types of things have you already seen? If
they are not ready to share right now, agree on some later time to continue
the conversation.

Explain – “Some games, videos, and websites are appropriate for your age
and some are not. The inappropriate ones include nude people or private
parts”. You can ask your child to name male and female’s private parts, or
you can name them yourself. Be mindful of using the correct anatomical
words, so your child will learn there is no embarrassment in doing so. The
conversation can be simple but make sure it’s clear.

Emphasize the concern – “The thing is, a lot of these videos present
disrespectful relationships, sometimes even violence or humiliation. It can
be uncomfortable to watch and very confusing, because some of it might feel
good while some of it won’t. These videos usually don’t reflect the truth
about love, care, and relationships but they might make the viewer believe
it to be true. That’s why it is unhealthy for you to watch this. It might
impact your view of sex and sexuality in a negative way and you don’t
deserve that“.

Offer a road map – “So, let’s say you happen to see something by accident
or someone shows you inappropriate content. Overcome your natural curiosity
and stop watching. You can be the responsible kid that you are by taking
care of yourself and doing the right thing for your healthy development.
If you do get caught up in watching it, please talk to me/us about what you
saw and what kept you watching it.

Summarize – “Again, you are always welcome to tell me if something has
happened so I can help you. I promise I will not get angry with you. I
expect you to take care of yourself and not engage with porn in the same
way as I expect you to avoid engaging in violence”.

Ask – “Do you have any questions? How do you feel about what we’ve talked
about?”

Model active listening – Understand and validate your children’s feelings,
then answer their questions.

At this point, I invite you to check in on how you feel, thinking about
having the conversation. Remind yourself that having the conversation
prepares your child for an unexpected reality in a loving way.