I’ve been thinking about pain lately, because there’s just so much of it, and everywhere. Not just in the world, that’s obvious and relentless, but with the people I love, closest to me. And yet, I find myself saying to my children, “You will look back at this time and see it wasn’t the worst year of your life, it was the best year, because it was the year you finally got out of the shadow and became your own leader, or the so-and-so who lied to you and led you on will be the person you thank for opening the door to a whole new chapter of your life. One you’ve thought about, cried about, but were too afraid to try.” I encourage my clients not to fear pain, but to see it as a door to a blessing, as a teacher who builds endurance and passes on wisdom and mastery.
I believe all these things and I am old enough to have the knowledge that it is true; most of the bad things that ever happened to me ended up instigating the best gifts of my life. But right now, I want a break. I’m sick of learning and growing; I’m sick of the rotten pain.
I don’t think I’m alone.
How many kneeling in prayer are asking for more pain? We want good things to happen for us and for the people we love, and yes, we also want the wisdom, the understanding and the mastery. We want the guidance and support, but rarely do we consider we will likely gain those things with a good dose of pain. “The only way out is through,” says Robert Frost. I think he’s touching on life’s harsh reality; we cannot skip over the uncomfortable and difficult parts of life – we have to go through them in order to become the wiser, more masterful people we are striving to be.
When I look back on my family’s experience with my sister’s cancer, the thing that always struck me as most insane was the fact that my parents were being audited by the IRS while my sister was at Danny Thomas Hospital trying to stay alive. So, five kids, including a 3-month-old, an 18-month-old, a 7-year-old, 9-year-old, and a dying 5-year-old; Dad trying to keep his salesman job to pay for it all, and the IRS has decided this would be an ideal time to strike. And you’re both 32, just figuring out your life, your career, your marriage, and who’s going to take care of your 4 children while you try to unsuccessfully to save the fifth. That’s a lot of pain, and they got through it, all of it. They taught me to do the same, and so I got good at it.
I can handle a lot of pain. Thankfully, I no longer look for it or unknowingly generate it out of familiarity. I appreciate that I’m sick of the pain, and though I worry about the pain in the future, I appreciate the fact that I know it is a blessing, a growth-point I can face and help others face. I really do appreciate the lifetime of gifts this rotten pain has provided.
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