Whether you may partake in diet culture from time to time or have been struggling with an eating disorder (ED) for years, the holidays can be a difficult time for many of us when it comes to disordered eating and issues related to body image. It can also be a difficult season for those who come from dysfunctional family systems, and I believe that at times, many of us would be able to admit we fall into this category. Regardless of whether or not you have a relationship with your family of origin, both the presence of relational distress with family members you are in contact with or the absence of having them in your life following a cutoff, also known as estrangement, can cause an uptick in distress throughout this season. As for how relational distress regarding one’s family may impact their ED, the people closest to us often trigger us the most, and can add to distress related to disordered eating during this busy time. Maybe a fight with mom or dad leads one to self-soothe by bingeing an assortment of “unsafe foods” at home after a holiday party, or maybe a family member points out a shift in your weight, encouraging or discouraging this change, and the shame triggers the cycle of restricting, bingeing, and purging.
This blog post will discuss ways in which your family or friends may become your teammates during this challenging time and throughout your recovery journey of becoming a healthy balanced person. I invite you to send this to those who hold the role of your support system, and allow them the gift of supporting you in your journey. You do not have to endure this alone!
Whether the comments are about someone in your family in recovery for an ED, someone else you may know, or even a celebrity, discussions of both losing or gaining weight should be kept out of the conversation. These comments can both feed insecurities, shame, and guilt related to one’s shape or weight. Reinforcing societal stands and expectations for weight and shape by saying someone looks thin should no longer be socially acceptable, and it is up to us to start shifting this narrative. If you find yourself wanting to compliment someone, consider sharing something beyond their physical appearance. Asking questions about another person, such as “How is school going?” or “How has your fall been?” or “What books have you read recently?” are additional conversation starters outside of complementary language.
Since alcoholism and EDs often appear comorbid, it is important to be mindful of the fact that alcohol can be a problematic substance for some individuals with EDs. Additionally, offering someone with an ED an alcoholic drink at a gathering may not be in their best interest. Gifting sweets or different food items can also be a slippery slope. If you want to give someone a holiday gift, consider something the person you are gifting to would appreciate, other than food or drinks, and try to make it personalized to their likes and interests!
Eating disorders can be a silent killer, and many suffer in silence, turning towards self-isolation and hiding their disorder out of fear and shame. If you are currently seeing a therapist, talk to your therapist about how to go about disclosing your ED to trusted family members and friends and how to ask them for support. If not, take some time to journal about how you want this interaction to go. Once this conversation has happened, it is incredibly important to not just move forwards and never utilize them but instead actually learn to lean on them for emotional support. For those who are used to hiding their disorder, it will take time, honesty, and lots of vulnerability to allow yourself to be in this space but once you learn to do so, you will no longer be going through your ED or the holiday season alone. Remember, the holiday season is all about giving to others, and your support system is likely eager to offer their support now more than ever.
Identify at least one friend or family member, preferably someone who is already a part of your identified support system, to eat alongside. Communicate with them how you would like to eat alongside them and why to get your support person on board. Due to how secretive EDs can be, eating in front of someone else whom you are comfortable with can help hold you accountable to meet your nutrition goals. It can also help, as you may be less likely to fall into shame spirals while consuming food.
No is a one-word answer. You can say no to alcohol, photos, or particular foods if these often trigger episodes. Over time, it would be helpful to work towards not viewing certain foods as “unsafe” and desensitizing oneself to any discomfort around taking photos; however, recovery is a journey, and you deserve to have a peaceful holiday with the least amount of triggers as possible. If you need time to emotionally regulate yourself in private, identify a place you can go, such as a bathroom, bedroom, or have a seat in your car to recharge your social and emotional battery. During this time, call upon your identified coping skills and set a 10-15 minute timer to allow yourself time to utilize them. The holiday season is all about giving to others; however, we cannot give from an empty cup. We must make nurturing ourselves a priority.
Develop a plan for what coping skills you’d like to utilize before going out to holiday gatherings and after coming home. It is easy to get wrapped up in the business of this season, yet when we factor in time for self-care, nurturing, and emotional regulation, we are setting ourselves up for the most peaceful time possible. Of course, we cannot control others’ emotions, but we can care for ours by committing to this plan of action.
Before starting my doctoral program, I spent almost two years volunteering as a recovery mentor for ANAD. Recovery mentors meet with mentees about once a week for 6 months and receive supervision for their mentorship. Mentees can also reach out to mentors outside of their scheduled weekly call for support if needed. If you decide to use either of these two wonderful resources, a support group or a mentorship, they may be utilized as an additional support system to lean on when family and/or ED-related distress arises during this time. As many of us know who are familiar with EDs, it is not often the food itself that creates an ED, but rather the trauma and distress that’s just below the surface, which manifests as an ED.
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