Masturbation and the Sex Addict

Series Three: Blog Thirty-One

Masturbation is a healthy sexual experience shrouded with a cloak of shame. People make wisecracks about it. Religious institutions demonize it. Young kids have been terrorized for doing it. Children are told by their mothers or fathers “not touch yourself down there!” You would think we would have vast colonies of blind people as a backlash from those who were told that if they masturbated they would go blind!

Christianity’s roots for opposing masturbation is found in the Old Testament. There is a reference to Onan’s sin which essentially depicted him pulling out before ejaculation during the act of intercourse. It is assumed that “spilling your seed” included men who pulled out and finished orgasm with masturbation. The Roman Catholic church still officially condemns masturbation as a mortal sin.  It is uncertain how you would conduct accurate research to determine who does masturbate and who does not.  People honestly reporting their sexual practices in a shaming social environment is difficult to gather. Religious leaders are reticent to disclose their practice regarding masturbation. My sense is that you would be hard pressed to find a priest or Christian minister who has not masturbated. As a therapist, few Christian ministers discuss their sexual behavior, particularly their practice about masturbation. The subject of masturbation usually triggers a lot of embarrassment and shame when discussed in the confines of most Christian churches. There is a tendency to lie if asked “do you masturbate?” I have always wondered if Jesus masturbated? Of course, I will never know if he did. Nothing is ever mentioned about his psychosexual development. Jesus was described as being a spiritual and human being. Yet, how could he relate to being human without being a sexual being. There is nothing in the New Testament that mentions anything about the sexual experience of Jesus.

In the medical and psychology world it is generally understood that masturbation is considered healthy. It is described as a positive self-nurturing behavior that offers relief from muscle tension and stress. It provides emotional and physical comfort.  

That said, what about a sex addict who chronically masturbates? Can masturbation become problematic? Can masturbation become a substitute for sexual connection and intimacy in a committed relationship? The answer is, of course! When this substitute becomes a chronic pattern of behavior, relational intimacy suffers. Self-soothing behaviors become problematic when they are compulsively engaged to avoid unwanted emotions. Someone who enjoys ice cream and compulsively eats more and more every day to escape unwanted feelings is creating a problem with ice cream.  The same can be true for masturbation. Addiction can be understood as a pathological relationship to a mood altering substance or process that has life damaging consequences without the power to stop the destructive behavior by yourself.  Masturbation and ice cream and a myriad of other substances and processes can fit this description of addiction when abused.

I have treated clients who have compulsively masturbated to the point of causing their penis or clitoris to bleed and continue to do so in spite of the pain and physical injury. Obviously, this is unhealthy.

When treating sexual addiction, there is no one suggestion that fits everyone. For many sex addicts, masturbation is off-limits. The reason is because masturbation became an organizing principle in their life that was utilized to avoid unwanted feelings. Eventually, it became a block to healthy emotional and sexual intimacy with their partner. Why take the risk of pursuing their partner for sexual connection when it was easier to simply masturbate to porn or a mental sexual image? You can be in total control and have orgasm exactly when you want to without needing to risk rejection or engage the responsibility of meeting your partner’s sexual needs. This is a common response of those who are addicted to masturbation. For many sex addicts, masturbation to fantasy is foundational to an explosion of sexual behaviors that are destructive. It becomes linked to destructive behaviors that betray their own values and/or commitments made in a monogamous relationship. Not all sex addicts are addicted to masturbation. Compulsive and problematic sexual behaviors are varied and wide. For the many who struggle with compulsive masturbation treatment is necessary.  It’s not that masturbating in a committed relationship was betrayal in and of itself.  However, fantasizing about being sexual with another through masturbation triggered many to act out sexually with other people. When this occurred they violated their vows and agreements in their committed relationship who did not agree to an open sexual relationship.  Masturbation became the fuel for infidelity. For these individuals, masturbation became a powerful rehearsal to the sexual pursuit of others.  For these sex addicts, abstaining from masturbation was necessary.

In recovery, masturbation is a bottom line behavior that is not practiced for many. Some introduce it later in their recovery program. When this occurs it is important that an addict do this with consultation with a therapist, sponsor and their community of support. When addicts do this without consultation it usually triggers a slip or relapse. It is important that an addict carefully manage addiction thinking in making this choice; thus, the need for consultation.  Some addicts do not need to put masturbation in their bottom line or inner circle of behaviors because they do not struggle with it or it did not figure into intimacy disability with self or a committed partner. There is not a one size fits all suggestion to recovery.  When it does apply, recovery maturity is needed to sift and sort when it is healthy to re-introduce masturbation. Generally, most sex addicts who are in the earliest stages of recovery, are wise to abstain from all sexual behaviors for a period of time in order to establish the practice of meeting emotional needs in ways other than sexual self-soothe. It is helpful to strengthen impulse control and to learn other healthy ways to meet emotional needs other than with sexual behavior. For some, masturbation without the involvement of a committed partner is always an acting out behavior that leads to a slippery slope of more destructive sexual behaviors. Here is a list of considerations regarding masturbation for an addict working a recovery program.

1. Establishing boundaries around all sexual behaviors must be addressed with a therapist, sponsor and recovery community. It is unwise to make solitary decisions without input from others.
2. When it is determined within the community of support that masturbation is not a part of a sex addict’s acting out behavior, it should not be listed as an acting out behavior (bottom line, red light or inner circle).
3. When masturbation is determined to be an acting out behavior it should be listed in the inner circle of a sobriety contract.
4. Masturbation should only be re-introduced if it is supported in consultation with the therapist, sponsor and group members. An addict must demonstrate recovery growth in relationship healing that merits the inclusion of masturbation. This takes considerable growth in recovery.
5. Edging is a term used in recovery circles for those addicts who have masturbation as an inner circle behavior and touch themselves but do not orgasm. Is it acting out or not? This decision will vary from addict to addict. It is more important to practice identifying what are the emotional needs that must be met underneath the sexual urge. Then it is important to work toward addressing this need in an emotionally or physically healthy way. Judging edging behavior as acting out or not can become a head game that misses the opportunity to initiate healthy self parenting.