Managing Masturbation: Gray Zone Living in Sexual Addiction

Series Three: Blog Fifty-Five

“There is an Indian fable of three beings who drank from a river—one was a god, and he drank ambrosia; one was a man, and he drank water; and one was a demon, and he drank filth. What you get is a function of your own consciousness.” —Joseph Campbell

People who get stuck in black and white thinking struggle with addiction recovery. Wallowing in the mud of addictive behavior, most hope to find a magic formula that will help them crawl out of the muck and mire of destructive behavior. Blueprints for recovery contain no magic bullets. There is no guarantee to maintain long term sobriety.

With any addiction, there are behaviors that some can do who are in recovery while others cannot.  In sex addiction recovery the topic of masturbation is controversial. Masturbation is considered a healthy self-soothing behavior that most everyone has engaged some time throughout the stages of life. However, there are many different religious views about masturbation. Some religious faiths discourage and condemn its practice as morally wrong. When it comes to a matter of faith or non-faith it is left to the individual to sift and sort whether the behavior is healthy, hurtful or even sinful. This evaluation of behavior is solely individual. It is important that if someone decides that masturbation is sinful that they are able to articulate why, based on their religious belief system.

It is common for most sex addicts to abstain from masturbation during early stage recovery. They often put the behavior on their “red light list”, identifying that the behavior signals a breaking of sobriety. This is often encouraged in early recovery because of the common struggle with impulse control. Some addicts never return to masturbation because it is either determined that it is too high-risk which triggers imminent sexual acting out, or it is identified as acting out in and of itself. Those who include masturbation as healthy outer circle behavior have a more complicated course to tread.

Some report masturbating to healthy images with no escalation to more egregious addictive behavior, particularly old acting out ways. Others indicate being triggered to committing obvious addictive behaviors. They identify that masturbation was the component that fueled accelerated sexual acting out, like compulsive use of pornography, affairs, paid sex experiences, etc. The obvious conclusion for these recovering addicts was that masturbation must remain identified as “red light” behavior in order to remain sober.

The question about whether or not masturbation is healthy for a sex addict is dicey and fraught with pitfalls. While considering the pros and cons, be prepared to manage the junkie worm mentality which tends to frenetically get excited about the reintroduction.  Always know that addict rationale is looking for any reason to find a hit. Addictive rationale is cunning and baffling.

Here are some considerations to guide you through this gray zone maze of decision-making.

1. Live in consultation with your partner and your support network before re-engaging masturbation.  A good sign that the junkie worm is in command of your thinking is when you keep secretive about your plans to restart masturbation, and you isolate the thought from those in your support because you don’t want to tolerate the predicted blow back you might get. Put it out there. Let your support weigh the pros and cons. Masturbation is not demonic. The real question is; are you mature enough to make a responsible decision whether to restart or not. Bring your support network in and turn over every stone of thought for consideration.
2. Be willing to explore the source of your anxiety.  Know how to work through your emotions without having to rely on masturbation. Using masturbation as a tool of self-nurture and relaxation can be healthy. However, it is less likely to be healthy when it is your sole mechanism for relief. Practice deep breathing, meditation and many other strategies of healthy self-soothe. Share your stress and struggle with your partner. Let h/her learn how masturbation gives you relief. Practice sharing and notice how feeling heard and understood curbs the intensity of wanting to be secretive about desiring masturbation.  When masturbation becomes an organizing principle for self-soothe, it narrows your perspective and increases the possibility of it being unhealthy. Learn to sit with discomfort. This process is not magical but it is a necessary experience toward establishing a healing perspective about masturbation. You must learn to rock with the waves that exist in your life.
3. Be honest with your support including your partner about your fantasy life. If you choose to explore healthy masturbation, what spoils the journey is withholding the truth about your experience from your support and from your partner. At this point, the issue is more about your deceit and dishonesty which will unravel the integrity of your pursuit. Don’t forget that the greater issue in your days of acting out was not just your betrayal behavior but the lies you told about your behavior. For an addict, managing fantasy is critical. Rehearsing fantasy about past acting out behaviors with old sex partners is high risk. As an addict, you will need to extinguish old fantasies that fueled you crossing boundaries and acting out. It is important to work with changing your language about how you reference acting out. You will need help from your support to notice the intensity of energy that flows to the old acting out ways. Often, you will be blind to the exciting energy that captures your expressions. Old fantasies have to die. You have to ask the question “When I rehearse my old examples of acting out, does that move me toward acting out with porn or physical contact? Have tough honest conversations with yourself and other support people discussing the raw truth. Also, does the fantasy connect me closer to self and your love partner? Let this honesty be your guide with support.
4. Be accountable with support.  Take note if you begin to edge your way into pornographic thought and/or illicit sexual fantasies about people you or your partner know. Are you closer to wanting to re-enact the fantasy in real life situations? Remember, some people have fantasized about others but have never crossed the line and acted out with another. You have. You have broken your commitment to values in this way. Walk carefully, here. Know you fantasy boundaries and inform you love partner about them and how you are managing on a regular basis.
5. Know your limits.  The only times that recovering addicts get into trouble is when they ignore boundaries. There is a great temptation to ignore your limits. You might get tired of having to say no to thoughts and situations that others don’t seem to struggle with. Some addicts in their narcissism seethe with discomfort and think it unfair that they cannot do what others do. Just remember that if you will go deep within rather than try to bash the outer barriers and limits you will find deeper satisfaction and serenity. Keep this in mind as you ponder returning to masturbation.
6. Be willing to not be like everyone else.  Addict thinking argues with rationale that competes and compares with others. Why do I not perform as well as others? Others in recovery seem to not struggle with sobriety as I do? It is important to recognize that you are an unrepeatable miracle of the universe. You become mature when you become the authority of your own life. Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.

There is great power anchoring yourself from deep within. Focus your eye of attention on the power that is within you. When this happens you stop comparing and there is no longer a need to look at others.

Sexual expression is wide and varied. It is a beautiful expression of uniqueness and fulfillment. Just as Frodo in The Lord of the Rings movie had to discipline his focus to balance his perspective about the “precious ring” so too will you as an addict need to protect your perspective as you consider introducing a sexual behavior that in the past has been utilized with destructive compulsivity.