Handwritten Notes Tucked Away in the Travel Luggage

Series Three: Blog Seventeen

One of my addict clients told me that when he travels his partner will pack a hidden handwritten note for him to find and read when he gets to his destination. Here are a few that I have gathered over the years.

• Depersonalize and detach from the reactivity of your partner. Easier said than done. It will require training and conditioning. Practice being present with her and patient with you.

• Self-love promotes long suffering. Learn to not beat yourself up when you make a mistake. It will steady the heart and promote tolerance and long suffering toward yourself and others.

• Broken trust doesn’t improve when you try to argue yourself to a better place. Create peace first and then trust can ripen. Addicts want to spend energy and time proving they didn’t do a particular accusation. Take the same time and energy to create peace, so that trust has a chance to germinate and grow.

• When you are tempted to act out, move away from the edge. Ask yourself, what legitimate need must be met in a healthy way? The longer you stay on the edge the more likely you will jump!

• Relapse is erased when you unpack why you acted out the last time. Know your offense cycle. What mistaken beliefs were activated and operational? What do you need to address to change your beliefs? How do you reframe your victim posture and anticipation of rejection? How do you mask isolation and are you willing to insulate with support rather than isolate? What fantasies do you access to avoid addressing your mistaken belief system? How did you groom yourself to make it OK to act out? How did you put yourself in harm’s way?  How do you misplace the responsibility? How did you reconstitute, telling yourself this is not who you really are without admitting to yourself and another person that you relapsed? Establishing clarity around these questions will help you know exactly why you relapsed and will help you bring yourself back to center.

• Suffering is a part of life that requires acceptance. As hard as it is, you cannot control anything or anyone. Nothing is more difficult than knowing and watching a loved one suffer.

• Rather than wallow in self criticism, wallow in gratitude. Criticizing yourself will take the resources you have and make it less. Gratitude will take the same resource and expand it and make it more.

Notes to remind you to remain balanced and centered are helpful to avoid relapse and make meaningfulness from every recovery challenge.