Exploring Polyamorous Relationships

Polyamory is defined as is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Click here to view the Fox 10 News Interview with Dr. Marcus Earle and Dr. Morgan Francis.   If you have questions about polyamorous relationships or need help, our team of specialists is available to answer your questions. Call 480-947-5739 for an appointment.

 

Fox 10 Polyamorous Relationships Interview

 

The Migraine-Depression Connection

By Cindy Kuzma. Contributed by Cristine Toel, MA, LAC, Staff Therapist

This content is selected and managed by the Healthgrades editorial staff and is brought to you by an advertising sponsor.

Depression

The throbbing, pulsing pain of regular migraines can rob you of so much—including your happiness. Research increasingly suggests a link between migraines and depression. Fortunately, medications and lifestyle changes that help one condition may have benefits for both.

Pain May Provoke Sadness

One recent study suggests women with migraines have close to a 50% greater risk for depression than those without severe headache. Another found that as many as 4 in 10 people with chronic migraines develop the condition.

It’s little wonder that frequent migraines dampen your mood. After all, coping with intense, long-lasting pain makes it difficult to stay positive. Migraines can cause you to alter your routine, and they can prevent you from enjoying your normal activities. Anxiety about your migraines can make matters worse. You may even begin to cancel plans in advance, fearing the onset of the next attack.
Genes, Brain Biology Play a Role

But there’s more to the story than meets the eye. For one thing, doctors suspect the association doesn’t just work in one way. People with depression also appear to be at higher risk of developing migraines.

Scientists continue to unravel the reasons. Migraines and depression may share similar underlying biological mechanisms. For instance, genetics could leave you prone to the effects of both conditions, while shifting levels of hormones or neurotransmitters could spark their onset.

Another possibility: An additional external factor may trigger depression and migraines. One recent study suggests chronic stress could link the two. Constant pressure actually changes the way your brain functions, producing both penetrating pain and persistent sadness.

Smart Strategies Ease Aches and Depression

If you have chronic migraines, work with your doctor on developing a plan for controlling them. Keeping your pain in check may also boost your mood.

Antidepressant medications, including Elavil (amitriptyline) and Effexor (venlafaxine), alter your brain chemicals in a way that both improves your mood and reduces your risk for migraine pain. Your doctor may recommend that you take them before a migraine begins to prevent or lessen its effects.

Exercising and eating a nutritious diet can also ward off both head pain and depression. And relaxation techniques can help you cope with stress before it becomes a bigger burden. You can practice some, like deep breathing and meditation, on your own. Others, like biofeedback, are easier to do with a professional’s help. Biofeedback helps you learn to control such functions as blood pressure and pain response.

PCS utilizes the help of an experienced and knowledgeable psychiatrist on staff, Dr. Sheldon Wagman, DO, FACN, DLFAPA as well as a Medical Director, Dr. Richard Isenberg. If you have any questions or need to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist or medical doctor for an evaluation, give us a call at 480-947-5739.

Sexual Desire Descrepancy

By Brian T. Case Ph.D.
PCS Staff Therapist

Many couples struggle with sexual dissatisfaction that stems in part from one partner desiring sex more or less frequently than the other.  In the past, this problem has primarily been identified as “sexual dysfunction” in one of the two partners.  The most common conclusion, and therefore diagnosis, has been to see the partner desiring sex less often as suffering from “hypoactive sexual desire” or low sex drive.  Within heterosexual couples, this is especially true when the partner desiring sex less often is female, and the one wanting sex more often is male.  On occasion, the partner desiring sex more often will be identified as having “too strong or frequent” a sex drive, clinically referred to as “hyperactive sexual desire” and more commonly referred to as being “oversexed” or in the recent past as “nymphomania”.

Although a number of individual/personal factors can contribute to sexually “shutting-down” or compulsively engaging in sexual behaviors, for many couples it is a relational dynamic that contributes to not “being on the same page” sexually.  For this reason, the concept of a “sexual desire discrepancy” is particularly important, as it allows for the “couple” and the interactions between them to be the focus of treatment versus one individual being the identified patient.

I have found that when a couple comes in for sex therapy dealing with problems of desire, they have often already concluded that one of the two is the problem and want him or her to “be fixed”.  After the bumpy transition to a new way of looking at things, most couples find it very enlightening, refreshing and hopeful to see that they are both contributing to the problem, and more importantly, can both contribute to the healing of the sexual relationship and a return to (or in some cases first experience of) sexual satisfaction and fulfillment.

The most common relational dynamic contributing to sexual desire discrepancy problems is polarization.  Polarization occurs when small differences between two people in an intimate relationship become amplified as each person reacts to the other.  One such polarization is often referred to as the “distancer-pursuer dynamic”.  This dynamic often begins with the differences between the two partners being a source of attraction.  The one takes more initiative and reaches out to the other, finding pleasure in helping to “open the other one up”.  Likewise, the pursued partner loves feeling desired, and being able to respond in kind.

Over time, however, the distancer can feel overwhelmed by the “neediness” of the other person, while the pursuer can feel frustrated and afraid by the lack of openness and reciprocity in the relationship.  While the one withdraws in reactivity, the other increases the intensity of pursuit.  This polarization can continue to the point where ““you always”  and “you never” become common phrases thrown out in arguments.  Within the sexual relationship, that often sounds like “he always wants sex, it drives me crazy” and “she is so sexually repressed, please fix her”.  What appears to be a problem of either raging or dormant hormones is far too often the result of a frustrating yet readily reversible cycle of polarized reactivity within the relationship.

Indeed, there is hope and healing for couples stuck in this cycle!  Even when only one partner chooses to make a shift, the dynamic can be positively impacted.  When both work to stay in a more balanced place, even better!  As the person withholding or avoiding sexual intimacy steps up to the plate and initiates more, and the pursuer patiently backs off, a couple is often able to find a workable balance.  If the polarization is successfully decreased and yet the differences in sexual desire still exist, each individual may need to look at intrapersonal factors that may be keeping them from more often being on the same page sexually.  Indeed, by working through both the relational dynamic of polarization and one’s own baggage resulting in repressing and/or over-relying on sex, a fulfilling sexual relationship can emerge.

 Brian T. Case, Ph.D.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, PCS Staff Therapist
Psychological Counseling Services, Ltd.
480-947-5739

Arizona Study: Traumatic Brain Injury May Suppress Immune System, Increase Pain Sensitivity

Arizona Study: Traumatic Brain Injury May Suppress Immune System, Increase Pain Sensitivity

By Andrew Bernier. Contributed by Cristine Toel, MA, LAC, Staff Therapist

Those who have had a traumatic brain injury (TBI) often live with pain and sickness in other parts of the body. Now, Arizona research has connected how a single TBI may suppress a person’s whole immune system and give them pain long after their injury.

Following TBI, researchers found more inflammation-promoting molecules, which increase pain sensitivity while the body suppressed the activity of T-cells, which control immune system response. This correlation fits with TBI patients reporting increased neuropathic pain caused by damage or disease to the nervous system.

Primary experiments on mice were done by Rachel Rowe of Phoenix Children’s Hospital, along with University of Arizona College of Medicine – Phoenix and the University of Kentucky.

“With these mice, we’re pricking them in the foot with really fine filament,” said Rowe. “And so, you start off and it doesn’t cause pain and then after the brain injury, the same exact prick causes pain. So it would be, in a human, they have a brain injury and they normally sit at their desk all day and it’s not painful, but now, they have back pain.”

Rowe said the researchers want to learn how long it takes the body to regain T-cells after TBI and if injecting more can help jump-start immune system response.

To see the entire article, click here http://science.kjzz.org/content/307380/arizona-study-traumatic-brain-injury-may-suppress-immune-system-increase-pain

Our diverse and highly trained group of therapists can treat a wide range of conditions. If you have questions concerning this article or would like to speak to Cristine Toel, feel free to call 480-947-5739.

The PCS Philosophy

By Heidi Green, Psy.D, Staff Therapist

At PCS, our philosophy is rooted in helping people develop their healthiest self by healing old wounds, understanding how early life experiences helped shape maladaptive behavior in adulthood and moving forward with hope, integrity and balance. We incorporate the Murry Method, developed by Marilyn Murray, which conceptualizes poor emotional health and difficulty in overall functioning to early life experiences that stunt the healthy growth of an individual and inhibit their ability to show up in the world as their authentic, true self. We work with clients to identify areas of stunted emotional development and then grow themselves up into the genuinely healthy person they are meant to be.

 

Over the years, we have evolved into an increasingly multidisciplinary program, effective with complex client problems such as addiction and trauma.  Our clients often present with multiple symptoms, including unresolved childhood trauma, compulsive behaviors, low self-esteem, lack of emotional intimacy, restricted or dysregulated emotional expression, inability to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries, and narcissistic and/or dependent personality traits.  We have found that incorporating elements from different theoretical approaches to our family systems treatment model results in significant symptom reduction by the end of treatment and improved real-world functioning. Couples report improved communication, emotional intimacy and overall marital satisfaction.

 

PCS provides a safe, caring environment for clients who are in crisis or who need more intensive treatment than traditional outpatient therapy offers.  Although inpatient psychiatric facilities and residential treatment centers are abundant, most are cost-intensive and require a length of stay that may be prohibitive for many individuals. A short-term IOP provides intensive care that does not require extended time away from work and home at a cost that is more accessible than that of residential treatment.  PCS prides itself on offering a unique program that provides transformative care in a condensed format. If you are ready to heal your heart and live the life you are meant to have, we are waiting for you.

What you can expect from a PCS Intensive Program

By Heidi Green, PsyD, Staff Therapist

The Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) at PCS is designed to provide intensive, outpatient treatment for multiple symptoms over the course of one week.  Clients see approximately five to nine different clinicians with varying therapeutic approaches during treatment.  Generally, thirty hours of individual/couple sessions and about twenty-two hours of group sessions occur over the course of the IOP.  This multidisciplinary approach treats individuals experiencing acute interpersonal or psychological distress whose symptoms do not warrant long-term residential treatment.  Techniques include equine therapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), psychodrama, exposure therapy, mindfulness training, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), gestalt therapy, hypnosis, emotionally focused therapy, cognitive therapy, and psychoeducation.  The underlying theoretical framework of the program is based in a family systems model and extensive therapeutic work surrounding early childhood experiences and family of origin dynamics is employed.

The majority of clients who participate in the program choose a one week IOP, although clients may choose to stay in the program for up to three weeks.  Determinations about length of program for each client are initially made at the time of intake.  Revisions can be made after treatment begins if the client, the treatment team, and their referring therapist (when applicable) are in agreement that extended treatment is warranted.

After an individual contacts PCS and is determined to be a good fit for the program, a case manager is assigned and an intake is scheduled.  Clients are asked to complete an intake before they arrive so therapeutic goals and a personalized treatment program can be designed before their week of treatment.  The role of the case manager is to complete the intake, serve as a liaison between the referring therapist and the IOP team throughout treatment, ensure all required documents are completed and write a treatment summary at the end of treatment.

As stated, PCS utilizes a number of therapeutic techniques, some of which are program requirements to be completed by all clients.  These required exercises include the making of a trauma egg, a genogram, and completion of a personality assessment.  Additional tools which are used when appropriate include completion of a wellness contract, a clarification packet, and developing an offense cycle. The trauma egg is a timeline of all traumatic events the individual has experienced in their lifetime which includes emotions they experienced during and after each event, messages they received from others about the event and how they processed or coped with what occurred.  The wellness contract identifies and categorizes a client’s triggers, problem behaviors, and healthy coping skills.  It serves as a guide for avoiding and coping with triggers when they are presented and utilizing healthy alternative behaviors in everyday scenarios.  A genogram is a family map which identifies the roles and personality traits of each family member and includes a brief description of the relationships between family members.  This tool is used to identify unhealthy patterns and themes within the family and can help clients develop an understanding about the etiologies of some of their dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors, especially as they pertain to interpersonal relationships.  Clients complete a clarification packet that helps them gain insight into their maladaptive behaviors by identifying motivations and desired outcomes.  The offense cycle identifies behaviors the client has engaged in that have been offensive to self and/or others.  These may include drug and alcohol use, sexual acting out, self-injurious behaviors, rage or passive-aggressive communication.  Finally, personality test results are used to explore how the client shows up in the world, how they are perceived by others and how their behaviors may be interfering with healthy functioning.

In addition to standard therapeutic sessions, IOP clients also participate in twenty-two hours of group therapy throughout the program.  Group therapy sessions, which range from one to two hours in length, include an introduction and wrap-up group, equine therapy, two sessions of psychodrama, communication group, mindfulness, two sessions of compulsivity group, healthy balanced person group, anger and forgiveness, boundaries group, codependency and a Get Real group, an adult play therapy group which encourages healthy spontaneity as opposed to unhealthy impulsivity.

Clients participate in approximately thirty hours of individual therapy during the course of their week long treatment program.  Clients are assigned to treating therapists for completion of required exercises and additional methods (such as EMDR) are assigned as part of a personalized program designed after the initial intake.  At the midpoint of each week the therapists convene for a staffing in which the client is present as a silent observer.  If there is a referring therapist, they are also invited to participate in the staffing via telephone.  The group of therapists briefly shares their experiences of the client including progress and areas which require continued work.  In the clients’ therapy session immediately following the staffing, the therapist will initiate a debriefing.  The therapist allows the client to share their feelings about and interpretations of the discussion in the staffing and assists the client in addressing any pertinent thoughts or emotions that came up for them as they observed the discussion.

Upon conclusion of the program, clients participate in an outtake session which includes a review of the client’s perceived gains during treatment and areas for continued growth, as well as their perceptions of the program.  In addition, the initial treatment goals are reviewed to identify those that were effectively met and follow-up treatment plans are reviewed and/or developed.  If a client did not have an outpatient therapist at the time of admission to the program, referrals are given for continuation of care.  Case managers conduct a follow-up session with clients approximately one week after program completion to provide support regarding successes and challenges following discharge.

 

Sex Addiction Expert Explains Why Good Kids Get Pulled Into Porn

by Mark Bell, LMFT, CSAT, PCS Staff Therapist and Claudine Gallacher, MA

Most parents understand that pornography is prevalent and easily accessible, but they convince themselves that their own good children would never be ensnared by it. Sadly, this is an all too common mistake. Many good, healthy, and normal children get pulled into porn. Here are three reasons why this is a natural result of biological programming, followed by three powerful strategies to porn-proof your own good kids.

Why Good Kids Are Pulled Into Porn

#1. Children are naturally curious.

Curiosity has an especially powerful role in childhood. Curiosity drives learning. Parents discover that curious children want to see, smell, touch, taste, and listen to new things. Humans crave and are hard-wired for novelty of all kinds, but most especially physical novelty (including sexual) experiences. It’s normal for kids to be curious about looking at both male and female naked bodies.

#2. All people, including children, are biologically designed to be drawn to sexualized images.

When children are exposed to sexual images or media they are naturally intrigued and can become excited, even aroused. This does not mean there is something wrong with them. In fact, it indicates that their bodies and brains are responding in a manner consistent with their human design. Pornography elicits within children a premature stimulation of sexual feelings. In other words, though sexual feelings typically awaken during puberty, pornography exposure often causes this aspect of human development to activate too early. Young kids, lacking sufficient life experience and brain maturity, don’t understand these newly awakened and intense sexual feelings and have difficulty coping with them. The end result is that a child will feel drawn to pornography and not know why. The child may or may not like seeing porn initially; nevertheless, the child will often feel an inner pull towards it. It’s important to understand that this pull is as biologically driven as the human preference for sweet foods. Virtually all of us like something sweet. Similarly, there is an aspect in all of us (yes, even children!) that innately responds to sexual images of some kind.

#3. Pornography produces powerful chemicals that reinforce a child’s innate attraction to it.

Besides activating the sexual template too early, porn can activate it too much. This is because pornography is a supernormal stimulus. What does that mean? Humans are hard-wired to be interested in male and female bodies, but under normal circumstances we aren’t exposed to endless numbers of people willing to undress and perform sex acts in front of us the moment we first meet! This “unnatural” sexual stimulus causes the brain to release an “unnatural” (unusually high) dose of a chemical called dopamine, often called the molecule of motivation. Author and behavioral scientist, Dr. Susan Weinschenk explains:

“The latest research shows that dopamine causes seeking behavior. Dopamine causes us to want, desire, seek out, and search. It increases our general level of arousal and our goal-directed behavior.”

When a child sees porn, that child’s brain will begin to release large amounts of dopamine, creating a drive for more, even in a child who did not like seeing pornography in the first place. Unfortunately, with repeated exposure, porn can become strongly woven into the tapestry of a young person’s developing sexual template. Eventually, porn might convince the brain that masturbation in front of a screen is more rewarding and even more normal than sexual experiences within a real, committed relationship.

It’s Normal to Be Enticed by Porn

Hopefully, you can see why good, healthy, and normal children are vulnerable to porn. When children become victims of pornography, they are merely responding naturally to an unnatural or supernormal stimulus. In fact, asking children to reject porn is asking them to have a biologically unnatural response to this supernormal stimulus. Falling prey to porn’s lure is our human default setting. Studies showing that 90% of college age males (and 30% of college age females) view porn regularly bear that out.

What’s a parent to do? 3 Strategies to Empower Your Good Kids

  1. Recognize porn’s power. Don’t assume that your child can withstand it alone. To stay free from porn, your child is going to need the power of your mature brain and your willingness to teach the skills necessary to reject porn. Telling your child that porn is bad and should be avoided is usually not enough.
  2. Teach children about their two brains (the feeling brain and the thinking brain) and that they must use the thinking part of their brain, their still-developing pre-frontal cortex, to override the pull of pornography.
  3. Give them a concrete plan that moves the pornography they will see out of the part of the brain that solely reacts (the feeling brain) into the part of the brain that can choose to say no (the thinking brain). For example, the CAN DO Plan™ found in Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids does just that. We suggest you read this book with your children and then follow up with repeated conversations and mentoring.

With your help and training, your child CAN DO what it takes to reject pornography.

*Originally published on Protect Young Minds on Sept. 10, 2015

http://protectyoungminds.org/2015/09/10/why-even-good-kids-get-pulled-into-porn-and-what-every-parent-can-do-about-it/

How Does a Sex Addiction Expert Teach HIS Kids to Avoid Porn?

by Mark Bell LMFT, CSAT, PCS Staff Therapist

I’m a father of 5 young boys, ages 2-10 years old, and work as a sex addiction therapist. In this post, I’d like to share three strategies for addressing sexual matters, including pornography.

Maybe because of my profession, I find myself more and more aware of what my kids are confronted with regarding modern sexuality and pornography. Over the course of my career, I have worked with a diverse clientele possessing an assortment of sexual and emotional issues. This has made me even more mindful of my stewardship as a father to protect my sons’ potential by teaching them the important lessons of personal purity, integrity, healthy sexual awareness, and respect for womanhood.

My wife and I have implemented three strategies for addressing sexual matters, including pornography.

  1. Planned Interviews

One strategy is folded into a monthly father and son interview with me and each of my boys to discuss their spiritual, relational, physical, and intellectual well-being. We pray, we talk, I ask questions, I advise, I listen, I inquire some more, and above all I try to stay curious and inquisitive about each of these domains in their lives. And of course I ask them why it is important to be aware of inappropriate pictures, images, media, peer interactions, and conversations. I affirm what they say and try to add a little something extra that they may have missed or didn’t think to say. One cannot reiterate it too much.

  1. Spontaneous Conversations

The other strategy we use is to take advantage moments that arise at any given time and place (regardless of what else is going on) to ask and inform them about what they just saw, heard, or were exposed to. For example, my wife and I were watching a news show about a week ago while the boys were running around the house playing basketball on a number of our door-mounted indoor hoops (better than video games and the microwave timer is a great game clock!). During this news show our oldest son took a break to sit down with us and overheard the reporter describe how children can be easily kidnapped. He seemed intrigued and confused. My wife quite naturally proceeded to inquire of him if he knew why some adults would steal children. “No”, he said. She then proceeded to explain that many kids are stolen for sexual purposes and even used in child pornography, which she explained was forcing sexual activity on children that is filmed, put online, and watched by other adults who want to see it. My wife was quite direct and clear, and he was, of course, disturbed by this concept (as we all should be!). Naturally this was not our first sexual conversation with him. If it had been I imagine he would have been even more distressed and confused. However, he was able to hear and comprehend this because he has heard us talk about the harmful impact of pornography a number of times as well as our view of healthy sexuality. Our desire is to take advantage of the moments that naturally present themselves, to make them into empowering conversations instead of solely relying on structured, formal teaching opportunities.

  1. Resources for Parents

I would like to add that another part of parenting our boys around healthy sexuality is reading books that address these issues directly. One of those books we are using this summer is Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids. My wife and I have looked forward to reading and using this book due to the positive word of mouth by friends, social media connections, and my professional colleagues. In fact, a number of peers in my professional community of IITAP (International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals) have referenced and recommended this book on our professional listserve. The buzz and endorsement from professionals and friends was a good sign of its broad appeal and benefit to families.

The Results

As we have utilized these three strategies, we have seen our sons’ emotional and sexual intelligence grow appropriately and confidently. The message we want them to hear (and we believe they are already understanding this more and more) is that using pornography is a form of unhealthy sexuality that most often results in making a person more selfish, dishonest, isolated, unhappy, less empathetic and more disrespectful towards others, particularly females. We strive for our sons to understand that respect for others begins with respect for themselves. What they watch, what they say, what they listen to, what they do, and who they associate with largely influences who they become, how they feel, and what they desire. This is what my fatherly role and professional experience has inspired me to instill in my boys.

*Originally published on Protect Young Minds on June 25, 2015

http://protectyoungminds.org/2015/06/25/how-does-a-sex-addiction-expert-teach-his-kids-to-avoid-porn/

Weaving Together a Solid Recovery Foundation (3 of 3)

VELVET STEELE

Weaving Together a Solid Recovery Foundation (3 of 3)

By KEN WELLS, LPC

Step 3-“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God”

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James

“I am an addict!” No harder words are ever spoken than those uttered by one who attends h/her first 12 step meeting. Accepting the limitation of addiction and identifying secretive destructive behavior is agonizingly painful and full of discomfort in the beginning stage of recovery. It demands the rigorous honesty cultivated in Step 1. It calls for the humility of Step 2 to ask for help from a higher power.

Step 3 is a Catch 22 dilemma. Figuring it out can be like trying to nail jelly to a tree. This step in the recovery foundation bids for irony and metaphor. It leans into the concept of to win you must lose. Winning sobriety means to surrender all forms of dishonesty, minimization and displacement of responsibility. It means to be in control you must let go. Let go of control of what people think, secrets kept and serial addictive behaviors repeated. It means to totally surrender to a Higher Power in the midst of fear, uncertainty and ambiguity.

It reminds of the story of the tourist visiting the Grand Canyon while leaning over the railing to see the bottom of the canyon, lost his balance and fell-grabbing a lone branch sticking out of the side of the canyon, holding on for dear life. He looks down to a 300 foot drop and cries out “God help me!” to which he hears a deep voice that says “Ok, let go!” He waits a few seconds and then calls out “Is there anyone else up there!” Step 3 challenges the addict to release h/her grip and let go to the promise of program and Higher Power. It is not a one-time surrender but a daily release moment by moment. The requirement is to do what seems innately against addict nature-give up control in order gain peace and to resurrect control again.

In order to know God, Step 3 proposes that you embrace what you don’t know. Through Step 3 we work with and accept the uncertainties of life. We surrender to the reality that there are no absolute certainties, assurances in life and we abandon all demands for perfection. We embrace the spiritual paradox that “when I am weak then am I strong.”

We are challenged to detach from things and possessions. Attachment to positions, power and places has become a problem that stunts spirituality because at some point they own us. Adding to your collection and hoard of things crowds out the spiritual.

Rather, we embrace our failures and our success, our dark side as well as our light and we gain autonomy by not insisting on our own rights. We learn to pay attention to what we hold on to and soberly accept what has happened. Somehow we allow our Higher Power to transform the Catch 22 of addiction from lose-lose to win-win profoundly letting go and accepting what we cannot control.

Ken Wells is a PCS staff therapist, lecturer, and author of The Clarification Packet.  He facilitates Men’s Leadership Weekends held throughout the year. He can be reached at pcs@pcsintensive.com for additional information.

Weaving Together a Recovery Foundation (2 of 3)

VELVET STEELE

Weaving Together a Recovery Foundation (2 of 3)

By KEN WELLS, LPC

Step 2- “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

“There is a crack in everything that is made-and not the least of all- in each of us”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

In truth, when it comes to recovery, spirituality is never quite what you expect. At the end of the day, spirituality influences the way we open up to life’s experiences. It helps to work through the dishonesty and denial of unmanagability in step 1 by leading to accept imperfection as imperfection. It transforms the ordinary and yet in a strange way is found in the common place of life. The least likely spaces and faces are utilized to reveal truth that comes from the spiritual in life.

When we deny our individual imperfection with defensiveness and minimization, we disown our spiritual nature which is rooted in common shared brokenness. Minus embracing humanity’s broken condition, we become stuck in destructive behavior without compassion.

Yet, when I embrace my own weakness, I am invited to cultivate compassion toward myself and others. This is the essential root of healing in relationships. Pema Chodron stated “compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.  Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

In developing compassion for my own weakness, I develop compassion for the weakness of others. Spirituality is a journey of becoming one with every sinner. So the victim of destructive addictive behavior is one with the perpetrator because we are all one in common shared weakness. Essentially we all offend and that common thread creates spirituality.

In this sense, spirituality becomes a necessary ingredient for accountability. If we all offend, not just the addict, then it stands to reason that holding each other accountable is necessary to create safety in community. It becomes the glue that holds the parts of recovery together.

Spirituality is found in the wound of human failure. Entangled in the powerful shackle of shame that wraps itself around the spirit like an infectious worm. Defeat and desolation from addictive act become compost for cultivating humility, a cardinal component of spirituality. It is by fertilizing Step 2 and nourishing spirit that later in Step 9, we make amends from the compassion for others spawned from Step 2. Spirituality is the ingredient that forms an antibiotic to conceit and arrogance. It combats self-sufficiency, self-centeredness and the pride that denies need which is the root of all our struggles. In a strange turn of events, the Step 2 process takes the broken condition of addiction and connects it to every other human tribulation. We are all one. Through this epiphany, we look to a Power greater to address the limiting crack common to us all.

Ken Wells is a PCS staff therapist, lecturer, and author of The Clarification Packet. He facilitates Men’s Leadership Weekends held throughout the year.  He can be reached at pcs@pcsintensive.com for additional information.

 

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