Partner Sexual Betrayal

When a partner or spouse in a relationship learns that the person whom they have trusted has been unfaithful to them, the pain of that discovery can be incredibly intense, leaving the person with an overwhelming sense of betrayal. 

Betrayal as an Attachment Trauma

Betrayal in a committed relationship includes the violation of relationship norms.  When a partner violates the standards considered to be the norm in the relationship, relational trauma may be experienced.  Relational traumas are attachment injuries, which occur when “one individual betrays, abandons, or refuses to provide support for another with whom they have developed an attachment bond” (Steffens & Means, 2010).  According to Judith Herman, attachment injuries are a “violation of human connection” and lead to the relationship being perceived as a source of danger rather than a safe haven.

PTSD Symptoms

Many betrayed partners, after learning about the betrayal, exhibit symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD symptoms may include:

  • Increased anxiety, which may include the following:  
  • Hypervigilance (scanning the environment for any signs of potential danger/threat)
  • Paranoia
  • Overwhelming terror
  • Insomnia
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Startling easily
  • Avoiding reminders or conversations of the event or not being able to remember some or all aspects of the event (blocking/denial)
  • Re-experiencing the event through invading thoughts or memories that can’t be held back, be it through flashbacks and/or nightmares

The person’s distress can grow so intense that it impacts them in multiple areas of their lives (e.g., their ability to work, take care of day-to-day responsibilities, or participate in relationships).

Carol Juergensen Sheets has created a powerful short video that explains the “brain science” of partner betrayal and how these acute symptoms can manifest in a partner’s life.  Please be aware that the video depicts a cisgender female in a heterosexual relationship.  It is important to be aware that partner betrayal can occur in any relationship, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identification.  https://youtu.be/Sbfkj-T6g0M (The animated video starts at 5:15 minutes.)

Betrayed Partner Needs

Following Discovery of the infidelity, betrayed partners often need the following:

  • To feel a sense of emotional safety in the relationship
  • To feel that their partner is willing to change and make a serious commitment to do so (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists – CSATs may be found at: IITAP Community )
  • To feel the betraying behavior has stopped
  • To feel that repair of the relationship is the betraying partner’s #1 priority 

How Betrayed Partners Can Begin Their Healing Process

  • Physical Self-Care
    • STI testing
    • Healthy eating
    • Exercise
    • Making sleep/rest a priority
  • Spiritual Self-Care
    • Attending spiritual service
    • Connecting with one’s spiritual community
    • Time for practicing your spirituality (e.g., praying, meditating, walking in nature, etc.)

While healing from betrayal trauma can be a long and arduous process, recovery of the partner’s sense of a “Reintegrated Self” is absolutely possible! The right tools and resources can facilitate that process.

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For additional information related to betrayal trauma and healing, the following resources are recommended:

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., and Marsha Means, MA

Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, edited by Stephanie Carnes, Ph.D.

Courageous Love: A Couples Guide to Conquering Betrayal, by Stephanie Carnes, Ph.D.

Help.Them.Heal: Teaching You Both How to Heal Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal, by Carol Juergensen Sheets, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS-S, CPC-S, PCC

Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal, by Dr. Sheri Keffer

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S

A Man’s Tools for Addressing Betrayal: Keys to Unlocking Freedom & Moving Forward, by Sibylle Georgianna, Ph.D.

No Bad Parts

Internal Family Systems (IFS) reflects our outer world to our inner world. Its takes our relationships in real life and mirrors them to the relationships in our head. IFS examines dynamics in the family setting and relates them to how relationships function within us.

What do I mean by our “inner world”, “in our head”, and “within us?” I mean the parts inside of us. No, not in a split personality way. Yes, in a “we-all-have-parts-inside-of-us” way. No, you’re not crazy. Yes, it’s a little weird. The truth is, contrary to popular belief, we all have a ton of parts within us.

Imagine it like a board meeting around a big…make that very big…table. Around that table sits our loving part, our anxious part, our angry part, our sad part, our funny part, our image-manager part, our partier part, our binge-eater part, our scared part, our confused part, our lonely part, you get the idea. And sitting at the head of the table is our capital S, Self. Our Self can be identified because it embodies the 8 C’s. The 8 C’s are: Confidence, Creativity, Compassion, Curiosity, Connection, Clarity, Courage, and Calmness (Schwartz, 2021). Our Self is not a part, our Self is always there, and our Self is the essence of who we are.

Now our parts operate a little bit like a family might. Some parts are closer than others. Some parts protect other parts. Some parts don’t like other parts. Some parts are loud. Some parts are quiet and meek. Some parts stick together. Some parts don’t want to be seen. But all parts wish to be loved and understood.

And here’s the catch. And this is huge. There are NO BAD PARTS. Nope. None. Not even the one that rages and yells and screams. Not even the one that hit and maybe hurt someone. Not even the one that gets really jealous and envious. Let’s say this again. We have NO BAD PARTS.

Now if you weren’t thinking this approach sounded a little coo-coo before, you may be thinking so now. But bear with me, I bet there is a part inside of you that is resonating with this.

What I mean when I say we have no bad parts is that all our parts have good intentions for us. That doesn’t mean some of our parts can be extremely hurtful to ourselves or those around us. And it certainly doesn’t mean we are absolved of the responsibility of things we have done. It means that the parts we have trouble imagining not being bad, have good intentions behind them.

Let’s take for example, a part that rages. When this part is in the driver’s seat, we are big, loud, aggressive, and scary. On the surface, this certainly seems like a bad part. But if we have the capacity—either within us or with a trained therapist or both—to allow some curiosity, compassion, and understanding for this part, we will find, every time, that there is something deeper this part is trying to protect us from. It is trying its best to keep us safe. Its learned from past events, that when we are in a situation that feels unsafe, which may look like feeling vulnerable, or feeling criticized, or feeling misunderstood, our rage part shows up in order to keep us safe—maybe not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Because somewhere along the line, we’ve learned that being vulnerable or being criticized or being misunderstood was not safe. Those parts are buried beneath the rage. We don’t see them. We see rage. We don’t feel them. We feel rage. We’ve learned it’s safer to feel rage than to feel vulnerable, criticized, or misunderstood.

So what do we do with this information? Well, in a very tangible way, we begin to get to know our parts, our inner world. We check in with them, we conversate with them, we ask them what they need or what they’re trying to protect us from. We build trust with them, the same way we’d build trust in any other relationship. We work with someone skilled who can guide us to free these parts from their burdens, from the extreme roles they’ve been put into. And ultimately, we allow our capital S, Self, to take the lead. We move forward with a greater understanding of our parts and our Selves.

References
Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.

After

I recently purchased a vintage watercolor painting that I found attractive and repelling, simple and complex, familiar yet to be honest a little bit haunting. What more could you ask from a piece of art? It was dated 3-12-1950 and the title of it was written in a beautiful hand-penciled font…After. It was painted in colors like azure, pecan, soot and goldenrod. It was a picture of an undulating, quiet road with a lone figure walking away, their back to the viewer and “moving” I imagined step by deliberate step. The subject was rendered by a few, brief brush stokes, dark and mysterious and genderless. I was drawn to it and because I made the purchase online, I did not have the advantage of seeing the artwork up close. The seller said the signature appeared to be “Conklin” but they could not be sure. The title, the subject matter, the rendering of the mystery figure and the reasonable price made me want it for my office wall. I kept it in my online cart for a couple of weeks, looking at it blown up on my computer with my glasses on then off, studying it for nuance and meaning. Something finally made me push the purchase button.

In hindsight, the title was what did it. After. My brain went to, after what? What was that figure experiencing? There seemed to be more “afters” than befores at this point in my own life. After the death of one child. After the transition of another child. After a 27 year marriage that ended in divorce. After a cancer diagnosis and then a second cancer diagnosis. After the untimely death of a sister and only sibling. After the death of a parent suffering from dementia during Covid. After the coerced adoption of a kitten that I did not want but that sat for hours on my chest purring incessantly and who became a constant companion. Lots of afters that have brought me to this point. Some of the afters I would willingly trade in for befores if given the opportunity but all of the afters I hold dear if not somewhat tentatively because of how they have formed me. I have walked on the road of After like the figure in the painting, sometimes feeling like only a few brief brush strokes, myself.

One of my most recent “afters” was after training in ketamine assisted psychotherapy. Part of my training has been taking my own therapeutically guided journeys with the medicine in order to better understand what non-ordinary states of consciousness can do for my clients. I am a different person after these journeys. This medicine is not a cure all for everything that ails us, as some of the popular press would have us believe, but the literature does show that roughly 2/3 of clients get symptom relief from things like anxiety, depression and other challenging long-term psychological issues. Fostering realistic expectations with clients in a therapeutic setting is important and working with an informed therapist familiar with psychedelics and non-ordinary states of consciousness is key. The literature and anecdotal reports indicate that ketamine can in some instances:

  • Diminish rigid thinking patterns and increase more psychological and cognitive flexibility in the way people respond to things
  • Increase a sense of interconnectedness
  • Increase tolerance of and appreciation for ambiguity – becoming more comfortable with the mystery of things
  • Create spaciousness to reflect on one’s identity and experience without falling into negative beliefs or overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame
  • Increase access to a wider range of feelings that may not have been accessible in the past
  • Decrease reactivity while increasing creativity
  • Develop empathy/compassion for oneself and others

Changes may be experienced quickly or they may be experienced more slowly and methodically, step after deliberate step like the figure in the painting. These slower changes can create more insight as the client works to integrate and take time to reflect on their experience with the medicine. My personal journey involved an increased ability to sit and even befriend the mystery of being human. There was a clarity in the mystery and I was less attached to outcome.

The painting arrived about a week after I bought it. It sat in my car in its meticulous packaging as I drove it to and from work, the grocery, Pilates, Mount Lemmon, an 80 year old’s birthday party, a spring training game. I was afraid to open it. It might not be as interesting as it looked online. The one time I brought the package into the house, the cat began to chew on the adhesive tape and I envisioned the possibility of a feline intestinal blockage that would cost way more than the artwork. I waited a little longer until another “after” – after cataract surgery. Both eyes. The cataract surgery was almost miraculous and allowed me to read street signs from a considerable distance without prescription lenses. The results of the procedure also turned my previously beige cat into a white cat.

I removed the painting from the sheath of brown craft paper and bubble wrap. I wasn’t disappointed. It was very much like it appeared in the online picture. I loved it. Then with my new found ability to read without my glasses, I noticed the title in the beautiful hand-penciled font…AFTEN. AFTEN? Not AFTER?! Seriously? Who or what is AFTEN? I was finally seeing what the artist had written. More clarity did not mean less mystery.

Beginning

I hate writing blogs. Well, hate is a strong word — but still. I stare at the screen, waiting for my muse, type a word, delete a word, have a thought, role my eyes. Sigh. Then, I start typing, sometimes without direction and then it has begun. Before long…well, you see what you are reading in this moment.

Beginning is sometimes the most difficult action. For instance, I know I need to get some exercise as I sit on the couch, but never get to the gym. I imagine the wonderful vegetables I could grow in a garden, but never go buy seeds. I think how much I miss an old friend, not knowing what I would say, instead of dialing their number. I worry about the embarrassment of going to a twelve step meeting, instead of driving to the location.

The big picture, and where it will lead, can be so overwhelming we never start. What keeps you stuck, what are all your reasons for not doing something, – anything? Keep it simple. Walk in the gym doors. Dial the phone number. Buy some seeds. Drive to the meeting. Breathe. Take the first step. Then see what happens.

What Makes You Hard to Live with?

There is this powerful rut that happens when we plant ourselves in mud thinking if the person across from me would just get a clue, fix their problems, and stop acting the way they act, my life would be so much better. It’s the human response and hard to avoid. We know how this so and so is making us feel! We are really good at observing, analyzing and writing the prescription for all the changes this person needs to make so we can find peace, function unobstructed, and finally be happy.

I remember being an intern at PCS, and sitting in the Tuesday morning Compulsivity Group, listening to a client talk about their spouse. My job was to document the client’s share and the share wasn’t uncommon. It went something like, “When my partner is mad or triggered, they call me this name or that name… loudly, screaming and shaming me.” There was more; “My partner breaks all of the communication rules our therapist has taught us: “You” statements, all or nothing extremes, threatening divorce…”

And then I heard Dr. Ralph Earle gently pause the client and say, “Let me ask you something…

What makes you hard to live with?”

The ask was soft…non-provoking…almost loving…unexpected.

All eyes were on the client.

Initially, I thought this client would fight back with something like, “I wasn’t talking about me, I was talking about my partner.” I did see a glimmer of surprise and a little irritation. But then this exhale happened, and, in the silence, the client turned inward and really thought about it. Then I heard the client say with clarity and sureness, “I’m stubborn, if I don’t get my way, I can be pissed off for a couple days and I might not talk to you. I shut down, I don’t deal with things; I don’t really let anyone in, and I’ve got an addiction, so I hurt people. I hurt my partner.”

Ralph asked, “How does that feel?” The client said, “Good. Freeing.” Everyone in the room believed it; we could see this sense of relief on the client’s face, and I noticed the question was working its way into the minds of other clients… what does make me hard to live with? What if I could just own that, without having to run from it? Ralph’s response was simple, direct, “Thank you for sharing that; I’m glad you’re here.”

In that moment it really clicked for me. We spend so much time being defensive, and we think our rebuttals, our safeguards, and our winning facts are going to make us feel better, but they don’t. If we are “right” or we “win” it’s a Pyrrhic victory; empty, superficial – when there are winners and losers it’s a sum loss.

In my weekly Communication Group, we explore destructive communication patterns, and often someone in the group will ask, “What do I do if my spouse does all of the things on this negative list?” At least one or two additional group members will bolster the question, “Yes, exactly!” It’s the human response. We focus externally and are masterful at identifying what makes the other person hard to live with and calling them out for it. Sometimes I’ll joke and say, “When you go back let them know you worked on communication, and you’ve figured out exactly what they are doing wrong.” They laugh; thankfully they know I’m joking. But the joke makes a point, and from there, with a credit to Ralph, I borrow his words: “When you figure out both what is amazing and great about you AND what makes you hard to live with, you will feel freer and more empowered than you have ever felt.” Just like the client on that Tuesday in Compulsivity Group, they pause and somehow the idea resonates.

Because think about it…think about how much energy it takes to carry and execute daily defensiveness. Defensiveness keeps people in victim, and from there, they are powerless to change anything. Once we can accept that we are all both wonderful and challenging, victims and victimizers, then we achieve adult accuracy and freedom: freedom to forgive oneself and everyone else.

In the same group, I typically add, “Now if you carry a negative belief about yourself such as, “I’m a bad person,” “I’m shameful,” “I’m a failure,” or “I cannot be forgiven,” it’s going to be really difficult to let go of defensiveness. I encourage them to face and heal those debilitating beliefs, in order to walk away with a healthy confidence, and relaxed assuredness that everyone has massive strengths, and at the same time, everyone on a level is hard to live with.

Filth

It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.” – James Baldwin

I have read this quote over and over again. James Baldwin died before I was born. Our lives could seemingly not be more different, and yet this quote articulates my own experience and that of countless others so perfectly.

The “filth” that Baldwin references is an unfortunate reality of the human experience. Every person has some negative belief about themselves that they carry around with them. They may not be aware of it. They may refuse to acknowledge it. They may be able to forget it’s there. But then something happens, and the filth rises to the surface once again.

Addressing these negative beliefs is often a focus for therapy. In CBT, clients are taught to notice their automatic, negative thoughts and challenge them. EMDR also targets negative cognitions. Clients select target memories with their therapists and pair them with a negative belief. When a target memory is completely reprocessed and the client is no longer experiencing a disturbance, then the therapist pairs the memory with a positive belief instead.

Personally, I am comforted by the fact that we all walk around with filth. I notice now when someone is reacting from that place and I can have empathy for them—because I know what it’s like to sit in my own filth.

It can be difficult, at times, to not take on others’ filth as my own. To be in close relationship with another human being is to acknowledge one another’s filth. To be intimate is to expose our filth and hope to be met with understanding and acceptance.

The first step it appears, however, is to expose this filth to ourselves. As Baldwin so perfectly stated, “it took years of vomiting up all of the filth” before he could have a different experience of what it is to be human. Each time we acknowledge the filth that we’re carrying around and examine it with curiosity, we have the opportunity to meet ourselves with compassion rather than shame. This intimacy with the self can be powerful and healing. It’s also incredibly uncomfortable. “Vomiting” is such an excellent word choice.

Human beings are incredibly resilient. On the other side of the intense discomfort of knowing oneself is the profound relief of authenticity. Most clients, I’ve found, find the person buried in filth to be someone worth knowing.

The Platinum Rule of Relationships

“How could she not love that – I put so much thought/time into making her birthday special!”

Many many years ago when I was in the first few years of my 1st marriage I planned what I was sure to be the best birthday party ever for my wife.  It was a surprise party!  I had invited all her friends and family members and arranged for them to, if possible, all be there when we showed up back to our little apartment after a romantic dinner.  I’ll spare you most of the details, but I will say I arranged it for them to decorate the apartment while we were gone and despite this being in the pre-cell phone days, we timed it all perfectly!

After the party was over I was looking forward to hearing how much she loved it, how special the night was, and if I’m honest- also hoped to hear what an amazing, thoughtful husband I was.  She was gracious in how she expressed it, but after thanking me for the gesture and the time I put in to it, she expressed that she was anxious and uncomfortable most of the night.  She clarified that she was uncomfortable with knowing they were all there and she hadn’t had a chance to clean the apartment the way she would if she knew a bunch of people were coming over. Perhaps more importantly, she shared with me that she had told me on more than one occasion that she didn’t like surprises in general and surprise parties specifically- and clarified some of the reasons why. 

Upon hearing all that, I felt both sad and offended in that I had put so much time and effort in to something that was not appreciated.  After all, I would have LOVED IT!  In fact, several of my favorite birthday parties had elements of surprise in them. Most Christmas morning’s were unexpectedly awesome in part because the days leading up to them included at least 1 comment about how this year’s presents were going to be limited because things were a little bit tighter financially…but the family room was as full of treasures as it ever was! 

So what was the problem!?!?  To put it simple, I was acting on what I wanted or liked, not on what my wife wanted or liked.  With the best of intentions, I was operating from what by many is known as the “golden

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU.

Great rule- right!  If you’re not sure how to treat somebody else, ask yourself “how would I want to be treated in this situation?” and then treat the other person that way.  And to give the golden rule the golden respect it deserves…. It really helps in a lot of situations.  However, there is an even better rule/guideline for how to treat others that is not as commonly known nor applied.  And this rule/guide is especially important in our personal relationships, the “platinum rule”:

DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY WOULD HAVE YOU DO UNTO THEM.

Seems similar, right? But when you really break it down, it’s a little more complex.  To apply the platinum rule of relationships, you have to go beyond knowing yourself and how you would like to be treated in a relationship and actually do the hard, important and often confusing work of learning who the other person is.  It requires being willing to sincerely ask and then truly listen to what they say about their hopes, dreams, wants, needs, etc.  And specifically within a long-term committed relationship like a marriage, it requires learning what “speaks love” to one another.  For example, in his book “The 5 love languages” author Gary Chapman talks about different ways people express or experience love including 1) physical touch/affection, 2) words of affirmations, 3) quality time, 4) Acts of service, and 5) meaningful/thoughtful gifts.  Using these 5 areas as a starting point can help couples get clarity about what helps each one to feel loved and prioritized.  And then with that understanding, each partner can begin  doing and saying those things that help the other person feel that love…even if it feels like speaking a foreign language!

So how can you become an expert at applying the platinum rule of relationships in your own life? There are 4 components to this:

  1. Knowing your own wants, needs and “love languages”
  2. Sharing those in a clear, honest way with partner
  3. Knowing your partner’s wants, needs and “love languages”
  4. Making sincere efforts to meet those wants/needs and to speak his/her “love language”

1. Knowing your own wants, needs and “love languages”: 

In order to let your partner know how you want to be treated in the relationship so they can successfully apply the platinum rule of relationships, you need to know yourself.  Many people go blank when asked “what do you want to do for dinner tonight”, or “what do you want to do for your birthday?”, or “how can I best support you in this difficult thing you’re going through?”.  Self-awareness can be scary because if we truly know what we want and need out of our intimate relationships- we can start to develop hopes of getting those met.  And if we are vulnerable in sharing those things with a partner, we can get let down and hurt when those wants and needs are not met. 

The most fulfilling relationships are those in which each partner is willing to make sincere efforts to meet the wants and needs of the other person, as long as doing so does not go against their own sense of values, health or well-being.  So choosing to be vulnerable by letting the other person know what you want out of the relationship is a key part of living the platinum rule. 

There are different “types” or categories of intimate connection, including emotional, physical (non-sexual), sexual, intellectual, spiritual, recreational and social (relating to others as a couple).  In most relationships, there are gaps between the needs and wants of each partner across these different domains.  One tool you can use to get more clarity about your own wants and needs in these different areas is to simply write down anything that you would like to experience more in your relationship(s). 

The distinction between wants and needs can be difficult at times, but one way you can do so is to ask yourself “is this something that is a preference (and maybe even a REALLY STRONG preference!) but the relationship can still be a really good one without it, OR is it something that is core to my sense of relational well-being?”.  For example, someone might have the awareness that in order to be fulfilled in their marriage they NEED physical affection and closeness, and he/she WANTS (prefers) it to come in the form of holding hands while walking around outside.  If the spouse happens to be uncomfortable with PDA (public displays of affection) he/she may not get that WANT met, but hopefully will get the NEED met later that night as they hold hands or cuddle while watching a movie at home.

2. Sharing those in a clear, honest way with partner:

Using the example above, component number 2 of applying the platinum rule could be where a wife lets her husband know how important physical affection is for her and how much she would love to hold hands when they walked around in the mall.  If her partner consistently fails to do so despite knowing how important it is, she would need to work hard to not take it as a sign that he doesn’t love her, and instead accept that there may need to be a different way of him meeting her need.  She could either suggest something else (e.g. holding hands while they watch a movie at home) or ask him what he would be comfortable with. 

3. Knowing your partner’s wants, needs and “love languages”

Hopefully your partner is doing a good job with component number 2 and you therefore know what your partner wants to be experiencing in the relationship.  If not, however, the work of component number 3 is to be curious, open-minded, and to ask sincere questions about how you could more fully meet needs and even some of their wants if at all possible. 

4. Making sincere efforts to meet those wants/needs and to speak his/her “love language”

When I was in college, I took a course in Chinese with hopes of adding that to the 2 languages I already spoke fluently (English and Spanish being the others).  I soon learned how different and how much more difficult it was learning Chinese compared to learning Spanish.  In Spanish, “radio” was spelled the same way, but was pronounced differently.  There were, in fact, a LOT of words like that.  However, there was no place in my brain where I could connect the dots between what I already knew and what I was learning (or trying to learn) in my Chinese 101 class.  After a few weeks I called it quits.  Learning any new language is hard, with some being particularly challenging. And while the same is often true for learning to speak your partner’s love language, it is important that you don’t “drop the class” and that you continue to make efforts…even if your accent is thick and your grammar is well-butchered.  On the other hand, the ways your partner “feels or hears” love may be similar to your own ways making it a little bit easier to align.  Either way, being honest in expressing what you want or need and being consistent in your efforts to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated will likely add to a much better relationship over time.  And remember that no matter how much you like surprise birthday parties, if your partner tells you he/she doesn’t like them, ask him/her about suggestions for the guest list and then plan a great party together!

AI and Mental Health Therapy: A Look Into the Future

The following is, ironically, adapted from a dialogue with Open AI Chat GPT, an AI-powered Chatbot. 

The integration of Artificial Intelligence (AI) in therapy services has the potential to improve the way mental health services are delivered and received. Here, we will explore the ways AI could impact mental health therapy services.

  1. Improved Accessibility: Similar to Telehealth counseling, AI-powered virtual therapy services have the potential to make mental health care more accessible to individuals who live in remote or underserved areas, have mobility issues, or face other barriers to accessing in-person therapy. 
  2. Increased Efficiency: AI-powered tools can streamline various aspects of therapy, such as intake assessments and data analysis, allowing therapists to spend more time providing personalized treatment and support to clients.
  3. Personalized Treatment: AI algorithms can analyze a client’s data, such as their medical history and symptoms, to develop a personalized treatment plan. This can help therapists tailor their approach to better meet the unique needs of each individual.
  4. More Consistent Care: AI-powered virtual therapists can provide 24/7 support and ensure that clients receive consistent care even when their regular therapist is unavailable.
  5. Cost-Effective: AI-powered therapy services can be more cost-effective compared to traditional in-person therapy, as virtual therapy eliminates the need for physical office space and reduces overhead costs. 

While AI has the potential to greatly improve mental health therapy services, it is important to note that a machine cannot replace the rapport and empathy that human therapists provide. Certainly, the appropriateness of AI-virtual therapy would need to be based on proper ethics and specific population needs, risks, and responsivity. 

In conclusion, the integration of AI in mental health therapy services has the potential to greatly improve accessibility, efficiency, and personalized treatment. However, it is crucial that AI be used as a tool to support and enhance human-led therapy, rather than replace it. As AI continues to evolve, hopefully, we can look forward to mental health services being even more effective and accessible to people in need.

Colors, Music, and the Importance of Emotions

  • Blue, yellow, and red. 3 colors, the primary ones that, when mixed, give birth to all other colors.
  • Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, si. 7 musical notes that, when combined, give birth to all the sounds and music that bring beauty and meaning to our existence.
  • Fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust, and surprise. The 6 basic emotions that give birth to the countless of feelings experienced by all human beings.

Simply put, from just 3 colors we get all colors; from just 7 notes, we get all the music; from just 6 emotions, we get all the different feelings. Isn’t interesting how a vast variety of things can result from the combinations of just a few elements? And how can this point us to the importance of working on our emotions?

As a therapist, sometimes with skepticism, I often get asked: “Why do you, or therapists in general, focus so much on emotions?” And I understand the question because, at first glance, it would seem like we all operate from reasonable and logical places. But do we really? How many times have you heard or thought to yourself things like: “it does not make sense, but…” or “in my head I know that, yet I feel…” I have come to think of emotions as the base, the foundations of our essence, that when paired with reason, give birth to the endless possibilities of human behavior. Allow me to use an illustration that explains better what I mean.

Where do builders begin the construction of a building? The foundations or the 20th floor? I think (and hope!) that any building gets built from the bottom up. There are similarities between the construction of a building and the development of our nervous systems. The earliest human beings did not think about complex philosophical questions or technological advancements, yet they already felt basic emotions such as fear, anger, or joy. This means that, evolutionarily speaking, it was the emotions that largely gave way to our ability to think and progressively get to where we are today. Thus, the evolution of brain structures and the construction of a building are similar. The most elementary and basic functions, our emotions, appeared in our species like the ground floor of a building. Only later we developed new brain structures that added more complex functions, or floors to the building.

Continuing with this metaphor, just like destroying the ground floor can demolish an entire building, emotional disturbances and inability to identify, connect, and respond well to our emotions can (and in my opinion will) destroy all rational efforts to achieve well-being.

So, bringing back the original question, namely why do I focus so much on emotions as a therapist? My answer is simply because it is not possible to be a healthy balanced adult without knowing how to interact healthily with our emotions. Does that mean that reason is unimportant? Absolutely not! If anything, I hope for growth, for taller buildings (using the illustration above), but without solid emotional foundations, it can all fall apart quickly, regardless of how intellectual and rational we strive to be.

How do you feel today? Do you feel calm, connected, curious, compassionate, clear, creative, confident, and courageous? How comfortable do you feel with sharing, sitting with, and talking about your emotions, such as your fears or joys? Do you know what angers you and what to do with it? How do you do intimacy? Do you act from a healthy balanced adult place or from a wounded part of yourself?

In a world where reason and logic can be the center of attention for many of us, let us remember that, as important as these are, they alone do not seem to put us in the path to well-being. Let’s continue to grow, to build ourselves up, not merely focusing on the intellectual intelligence (IQ), but the other intelligence that is at the base of how we function: our emotional intelligence (EQ). After all, look at how far we have come and how diverse we can be from just 6 basic emotions!

It’s OK to be Hurting

A few months back, I experienced one of my prouder moments as a therapist/mom when sitting in our living room, my then 6-month-old began to cry. My then 2 ½ year old immediately dropped what she was doing and went over to console him, or so I thought. As if the simple act of rushing to her brother’s aid wasn’t already sweet enough, she put her arms around him and said “it’s okay buddy…you can cry if you want.” My heart swelled.

As I thought about this experience later, what came up for me was a reminder as to what messages are truly important for us to be conveying to our children. As a parents, and people, most would attest to the idea that seeing your child or any child for that matter, cry is a difficult thing to witness. We feel helpless and responsible, sad and anxious, guilty and fearful all at once. Add in my therapist mindset, and I also often find myself wondering whether these moments are traumatic, harmful, helpful, or something entirely different that I have yet to identify. Given the answer may even be all of the above, the overwhelm we feel around supporting our children’s emotional health and safety can be weighty.

In these moments, I find myself stepping back and trying to remember the very thing I often share with those I work with. Hurt and pain is a natural part of life. Our job as a parent is not always to prevent these feelings, but to support our children through them in ways where they know they are loved, safe, cared for, and validated. After all, trauma is not necessarily the event itself, it’s what happens when a “bad thing” happens, and needs are not met. Knowing that, as the song goes, we “can cry if we want to” is a need; therefore, it is our responsibility as parents to make sure this message gets reinforced. Next time your child or someone close to you begins to cry, attempt to keep this in mind before jumping in to make their tears go away. Make clear to them that if they need, they can cry as long as they need, and you will be there with them through their process. Let them know their tears make sense and if the feeling comes up, don’t be afraid to cry with them, too. Ultimately, while we can and should take steps towards preventing the unnecessary shedding of tears, the overall goal is not to keep our children from crying all together, but to make sure they know that the choice to cry is theirs if they need it.

© Psychological Counseling Services